I’M SORRY FOR BEING ALIVE

Does anyone else constantly question whether or not the people in their lives genuinely like them? Like worrying that when you ask if you've bothered them it only annoys them more? Like either they're lying to you and really do hate you or talk behind your back? Or are just too nice to point out your flaws becayse they don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you what they really think about you? Like even when you're invited to things you just feel unwanted and that you may have been a pity invite? Like I always feel like I've done something to bother or upset everyone I interact with and these things add up and they slowly start to resent me as time goes on. Does anyone else feel this way? Like to the point where you just avoid interacting with people as much as possible so you're not reminded of the possibility that they may not even like you or are just simply tolerating you because they don't want to be mean? Any advice on how to stop feeling this way?

Truthfully i am just so exhausted from being obsessed with how I affect others in my life. I am constantly questioning if I make their lives better or worse and why. I'm an extrovert and if it seems like I'm positively affecting people when I socialize, I feel on top of the world. But when I can't improve someone's mood when I talk to them I feel depressed and drained. I have this belief that I am intrinsically awful and harmful to be around and I have to be extra helpful and cheerful to make up for it. I think about the problems that everyone in my life struggles with and convince myself that I am the cause of it or making them worse. I isolate, believing I am harmful to others and I am sparing them. When they feel neglected, I panic because I caused them harm when I was trying to save them. I don't want to live like this anymore. In some ways it was easier when I was alone. I just can't stop obsessing about my loved ones in this way. I almost begin to crave abandonment because at least the thoughts would stop coming. Does that make me a bad person? I don't really actually want to be abandoned by my loved ones, but at least I know how to handle abandonment. I don't know how to handle normal loving relationships.

Growing up i never felt forgiven for anything. No one ever said “it’s okay I’m not mad at you”. As an adult I don’t know how to forgive myself for anything. I feel like a bad person for absolutely everything even my own thoughts. I don’t know how to stop telling myself that I’m the only person like this and that everyone around me is normal.