complicated feelings

i had a good day today with compulsions and not giving into mental compulsions. it’s been so so hard to not do compulsions because my existential ocd latches on to everything and anything. but i did good today! i gave in at times, but i was strong enough to resist the thoughts a lot of the time. and thats better than ruminating all day right? i’m gonna keep on going. however, im having complex feelings. i feel less strong in my beliefs and positions. my values aren’t as clear (because my ocd revolves around what is real, so it tells me my values are a made up thing and not really valid) and i almost feel like when i get out on the other side of ocd i will be someone else. idk, maybe a colder person, someone with less values or a sense of right and wrong. thing is, i have this weird feeling because of existential ocd, that i “broke out of the matrix” and am the only person with the view of the real reality and everyone else is simply brainwashed and hasn’t realized it yet. that feeling scares me so much, and i can reason that it’s not true and doesn’t make any sense, no way almost everyone on the planet is brainwashed.. but its how my ocd operates. snatches the things that are important to me (my values, morals, overall beliefs) and turns it into something else. any sliver of uncertainty makes me freak. i feel like i will never be the same. dude i just don’t know, but im gonna hold on to that hope that i’ll be a better me.

Syd!

Date posted: 1y

Everything you said I experience / relate to. I’m in a depression currently because I am completely detached from my beliefs and opinions and feelings. I don’t know who I am and nothing matters. It’s terrible.

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 1y

@Syd! i’m so sorry your dealing with this. i’m feeling the same. i don’t even know who i am anymore but i hope to find it. i’m always here if you need any support 💖

Syd!

Date posted: 1y

@ocdhope💞 I really appreciate the kindness! I am here as well. This is such a dark time but I know we’ll both be happy and whole again.

Everythingzen

Date posted: 1y

@Syd! I deal with this too. Existential dread constantly. I hate that feeling of nothing matters. Apathy is a terrible feeling.

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 1y

@Zoegirl85 me too, it also feels like everything is fake and made up, which makes everything a lot worse. it sucks a lot because everything that was so important me was suddenly taken after one intrusive thought. but we can do it :) 💖

Syd!

Date posted: 1y

@cyndi💖 Yes totally!!! That’s what I’m dealing with this last week. Like literally who am I because I can’t for the life of me connect with anything that makes me feel like me. I’m a shell. Everything’s a trigger to then reflect on my nothingness and obsessively compare to others because I see them having passions and opinions.

curtkobain :>

Date posted: 1y

@Syd! same! it’s frustrating, something important to me was always my empathy and sensitivity, and i even began to doubt that to the point where it’s become a compulsion! ocd really sucks but i know i have to maintain hope because without that i don’t know where i would be right now. i’m wishing you the best in this ocd journey 😊

Syd!

Date posted: 1y

@cyndi💖 Oh my gosh SAME!! I was disassociated for years when I was in my late teens (I’m 28 now) so when I got better at one point and got those feelings and empathy back I was over the move but then I fell back into ocd and those precious things became my obsessions and compulsively checking and doubting. It’s nice to know we’re not alone. Hope is all we have for the time being, but not forever.

Syd!

Date posted: 1y

Over the moon*

jro_04

Date posted: 23w

Scary existential thoughts

So today I’ve been crying all day. My existential OCD has flared up in the past week and it may or may not have been because of me trying to quit nicotine. Don’t get me wrong I had been having thoughts before that but it seemed to be at a calm for a few months. I also have been alone for the past week due to my mom going away on vacation. That may or may not have been a factor as well. But I’ve been feeling really depressed and scared. So much has been on my mind that it would be paragraphs and paragraphs so I’ll just leave it up to the people who have experienced existential OCD. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been giving much attention to my other subtypes in the sense of challenging them. I guess I felt that since I had the scary existential thoughts on hold that I didn’t have to work on the other stuff because I felt like those things were worth worrying about instead of worrying about my purpose or why am I me type of thoughts. I just write this to share and maybe get advice from anyone experiencing what I’ve been experiencing. I’m going to keep going though and keep trying to kick OCD’s ass. Because what’s the alternative? Lol. Hope whoever is reading this is enjoying the little things and giving themselves grace and having a good day. 😊🙏

Existential OCD

nae nae

Date posted: 14w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

samlovesjesus

Date posted: 12w

kind of a rough day

i’m trying to not let the thoughts bother me but it’s just so stressful. even me typing that feels like i’m lying when i know i’m not. i’m scared because even my therapist tells me that it’s just ocd, but in the back of my mind i slightly don’t believe her, and its making me scared that i AM like those people and im gonna act on something. sometimes in social moments i get a quick thought of me being an outcast because im like those people who are sick in the head and act on that stuff, and it just makes me feel like i truly am gonna eventually act on something. another thing that bothered me is earlier my mom yelled at me for not doing school work (it was well deserved im really slacking on it) and i had like no reaction to her screaming. it had me thinking what if i have no empathy etc etc, and what if i get mad that she yelled at me and i do something involving those thoughts. how do i TRULY know it’s ocd? like i try to remind myself and be like “dude, your therapist said it’s ocd, she isn’t wrong” but the back of my mind is like “she is wrong, it’s not ocd and she just happened to misdiagnose you. you are gonna act on those thoughts and it’s your fate”. please someone respond if you read all of this, im really struggling

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