BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

POCD bothering me more than usual 18+ only

I've struggled with watching pornography for several years. It's been going on since I was a young teenager and I've exposed myself to a lot of things that I look back on with regret and shame. There have been instance where I looked at pornographic content featuring fictional characters that were around my age at the time and I didn't see a problem with that when I was younger. Now I feel really horrible about it. Absolutely disgusted. Nowadays when I relapse and look for porn, I only want to find pornography featuring fictional women that look like adults or whoever my go to characters are. Even then, sometimes I see disturbing things as I scroll through playlists or search results that have nothing to do with what I'm looking for. I hate it. I absolutely hate when I see a character being put in a scenario like that when I don't want to see it by any means but it shows up anyway. I feel like I'm a true p sometimes because of this. There's always been several occasions where I've doubted the person's age in a video whether real or fake. That drives me crazy. Especially when there's character's whose age aren't officially stated but can be hinted to be a young adult. I know I'm not attracted to children nor would I ever want to be but the thoughts about it don't go away. I also don't like how I've escalated to different videos when I was badly addicted. It always felt like I needed to go the extra mile to get the same dopamine as I did before. I don't feel like I need to escalate now but I do a lot of surfing with content to find the best one that truly fits. It was so much worse when I was a teenager. It was like I didn't seem to have limits when it came to what I watched at times. I'm glad I don't do that anymore but I'm still really upset that I've fallen this far into my addiction and to this day it's still hard not to watch pornography. I don't know what to think of myself. I just feel bad about myself because of this along with a lot of things in the past.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

Hey, if it makes you feel any better I did the same thing. To be fair, they were around your age – and our brains aren't fully developed at that point. You don't really understand what you're consuming or why it's bad especially in a fictional context. And porn has a hell of a effect on a young mind. But I relate so hard. My OCD has given me a thing for older fictional men because I'm so afraid of being a p*do somehow. Lmfao.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I just wish I didn't remember all of the horrible things that I've shown myself at the time. I just wish I could forget about it but since I can't I just try to accept that I did the best with what 8 had I guess. And I can understand that whole thing with older people. I would have to absolutely fully know how old they are to have the fullest of attraction. But I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore either. I just feel a lot of shame and guilt. I'm sorry you also saw pornography at a young age

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Yeah, I feel that. Unfortunately it's one of those things where you gotta realize you were a victim of the industry being so accessible to kids and the normalization of that stuff in fictional spaces. It's hard but you'll be okay. I promise.

omfgggmileena

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour THIS 😭😭

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I hope so. It's a lot to take in and it's really bothersome. I guess the only reason I blame myself for it is because no one else showed it to me and what I already think of myself. It's really difficult. What do you do to try and ease all of this? I also just remembered that you were starting therapy today. I'm very happy that this is happening and you'll get the help you need with it!! Just go at your own pace with everything and things will be okay.

omfgggmileena

Date posted: 1y

same 😭

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I'm very sorry you also go through this

omfgggmileena

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 dont be sorryy, its such a horrible feeling. we have almost the same experience so its pretty validating, thank you for that :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@omfgggmileena You're welcome. It does help that other people understand it through and through.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hi. I'm sorry that you go through this too. What I've just been trying to do is be kind to myself more than anything. I'm having difficulty with several things in my life, but I think a good start would be trying to get a better opinion of myself while trying to get through everything. I'd prefer to not privately chat, sorry.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I hope you're doing better as well. Whatever happens, you should try being kind to yourself and your past self.

Canofbeans

Date posted: 23w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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POCD bothering me more than usual 18+ only

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