Do I have the wedding or not?

Guys, I have ROCD. Back in 2019, I had been in a six-year relationship with my fiancé and father of my daughter. I was happy in my relationship, until we decided to take the next step and get married. He proposed to me on December 25, 2018. And I remember not feeling much at all. Anyway, we began the wedding planning process shortly after which I was insanely excited about. We went to wedding expos, worked through all the fun details and even planned to get married at the four seasons. It was bound to be an amazing wedding. We eagerly made the deposit on the venue and shortly after that, the OCD came in hard and fast. It was as if it hit me that this wedding was really going to happen. Several months later, because I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD yet, and I had no idea what was going on and was absolutely terrified and overwhelmed by the constant panic attacks and doubts, we, sadly, cancelled the wedding. And we were out thousands of dollars because the venue and vendors we paid wouldn't let us off the hook for cancelling. (Which I understand.) Over the next three years or so, I assumed what I was afraid of was marriage. I'd try on my wedding dress that I had bought, and would cry in front of the mirror, wondering what I missed out on, and hating that I had to give up the wedding experience because my OCD won. But, guess what! In October of 2023, exactly four years later, I held a small ceremony in my backyard and my fiancé and I got married! I did it, y'all. I married the love of my life. I was nervous and too scared to really feel any type of verklempt but I did it! And I'm happy I did. I'm happily married, love calling him my husband and only regret not marrying him sooner. Well, now that we've bene married for a few months, I thought I was finally in the clear to have the wedding of my dreams. So we are in the planning stages of the wedding and everything is going so well! Our venue is bending over backwards to give us exactly what we want. We are financially in a place where we can afford a lavish wedding. And the planning is coming along really well. I have been absolutely over the moon about it, and how awesome I think it will be. And have even begun letting a few people on our guest list know so they can start planning accordingly because I don't want them to miss it. Well, just yesterday it was time to make a payment to a vendor and I had a panic attack. Boom. Back at square one. Just like that. I felt agitated, anhedonic, and a loop of doubts about whether or not I loved my husband or my children played in my mind. The sheer terror of the severity of what I knew my OCD can be, has led to suicidal ideations. The pain and fear of it all has made me think that if I lose this battle again, and have to cancel my wedding and live through that humiliation all over again, I don't want to live through it. I honestly don't know if I can. But I'm hopeful I don't have to cancel because, clearly this is an irrational fear; I'm already married. And, when I'm not being attacked by my OCD, I can honestly tell you my family is the greatest joy and blessing in my life. So at this point all I'm doing is planning a huge, expensive party to celebrate with the people I love the most. So by deductive logic, it would seem what I'm afraid of is weddings. Or, a wedding. Can you believe that? My OCD is still attacking marriage even though I'm married. OK, so, here's the question. Do I push forward with the planning and the wedding and fight this OCD or do I step back and stop now before I'm in too deep and out a ton of money if I decide to cancel later in the planning process and decide I can't go through with it? Please help. And don't worry, I don't have any plans or intentions to unalive myself. It's simply ideational.

Anonymous<3

Date posted: 1y

Hi there! Thank you for sharing! Im on the same boat as you, I’m not married or even engaged yet but me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years and it’s been tough. I am terrified of getting married but I told myself no matter what I will do it. I will regret it if I don’t and it will be so freaking hard ,but I have to do it. I have thought about a small wedding so that I’m not so overwhelmed by all the details and the thoughts that all the people around that could “see” that I’m an “imposter”. My mind is constantly telling me that I’m gonna ruin it because I won’t seem “happy”. I think the best thing to do is really sit down with yourself and pick and choose what you want and who you want at your wedding. The hard part definitely is the days leading to it and day of the wedding after that you can breathe. These are only my thoughts because believe me I’m horrified but your married already you got through that! You should be very proud of yourself for all your accomplishments so far. Best of luck to you! I’d love to hear how it goes with whatever you decide to do:)

Emermemer

Date posted: 1y

@Yali<3 Yali, you’re so right about feeling like you’re going to ruin it because you won’t be happy. I feel that exact same way. I’m like, are we really spending tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding that I’m going to be freaking out all the way through? But when I’m not ruminating or panicking, I’m genuinely super excited! And super gung-ho about the planning of it. So I know I want the wedding. And I’m not going to let my OCD steal the day from me.

Emermemer

Date posted: 1y

@Yali<3 I wish you all the best, too! And I’ll certainly update you in about six months.

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

Hi girl, thank you for posting this. I completely understand this feeling, as I’m also engaged and ALSO having random anxiety flare ups that make me question getting married at all. It sounds to me like you’re having anxiety about the wedding itself like you said, you’re already married, and felt fine about that, so the wedding seems to be the trigger. The comment above this one talks about “being an imposter” or feeling “like you’re gonna get found out” and I think that’s such a smart analysis because IM always feeling like I’m gonna get found out too 😭 Does your husband know about your ROCD? If so, would he be open to having a small “we tied the knot!” celebration instead of the “wedding” in front of everyone? That might take some of the pressure off of you and make you feel more at ease. However, are you going to look back someday when you’re all ROCD-free and healed and feel regret that you didn’t have the wedding? That’s where I would think about it. Because you might feel anxious day of, but maybe you’d look back and be glad you toughed it out and did it. I understand the unaliving ideational thinking though. I’ve never seen anyone admit that on here, so thank you for sharing. I’ve felt that as well, like “I’d rather be d*ad then leave him.” Which is a newer thing I haven’t experienced yet. I had this SUPER INSANE intrusive thought about it a few weeks ago and it really scared me. I feel the worst guilt and shame when I think about it. ROCD is such a hard thing to deal with. But I’m with you and sending you love, we WILL get through. Don’t let it win.

vvuong

Date posted: 25w

ROCD or my values to break up?

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

I’m so lost. Help me

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 13w

Let's Chat?!

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Do I have the wedding or not?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community