I donāt have much of a support system outside of my bf, so I find myself here a lot. I think I just need to vent, so forgive me if I do this too often. It helps to have a community of people who truly understand.
I havenāt felt this debilitated by mental illness in months. There has to be some explanation, maybe itās hormonal, because I feel like Iāve completely lost myself. The panic hits in waves, sudden and overwhelming, like my head is submerged in lava, burning and suffocating. Then, for a brief moment, I feel almost normal and wonder what all the fear was about. But it never lasts. The chaos always comes back. I even considered going to the ER because Iām not sure I can trust myself anymore.
Something has to be wrong, because this isnāt me. My life isnāt perfect, but itās not unbearable either. Since I withdrew from school, Iāve been so much less stressed that even my cycle, which has been irregular for years, has somehow regulated itself. But even with that, I feel like a failure. I was one semester away from finishing, so close, but OCD hit me harder than it ever has. It felt like drowning, gasping for air, reaching for something solid, only to be dragged under again and again.
Now, I feel like that again, but worse. I feel hollow, like something is wrong with me at my core. I donāt just feel sad; I feel broken. I break down into uncontrollable sobs every few hours, and I donāt even know why. I just know that whatever is happening, OCD is taking full advantage of how vulnerable I feel.
Is this what MDD feels like? Everyone tells me I have it, and itās been confirmed by my psych, my pcp, and my therapist, but I still canāt seem to fully see it. I donāt know how to separate whatās OCD from what might be another disorder.
Iām sorry to anyone also going through such a hard time, my heart goes out to you š¤