- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Uhh me too! I don’t even want to accept uncertainty because I feel like I’d just be lesbian after I do. But I really don’t think I am. Yet my thoughts keep saying other wise.
I’m on the same boat really
It’s okay, of course you know you aren’t alone. We’re all here and you’ll get through this.
I sometimes feel like i wanna be with a woman and I accept the thought just because I dont wanna fight it anymore but if it stays too long i start panicking cause it seems real and i dont want it to be real oof
When I think that I may be lesbian I just think that it's practically impossible, as for my entire life I've liked men and wanted to be with them. Unless I have become a lesbian, but that's not how this works. But even with the thought of being bi, hocd makes me think that I will only want to be with women, that I'm sexually attracted to them. It's honestly very tiring. And yeah, @pgam14, the same thing happens to me. Accepting it is the most hurtful thing ever, I freak out and get really, really anxious.
@reptile are you back on hocd? Or still tocd?
Both now unfortunately
I have three obsessions, HOCD, TOCD, and being a bad person
Wow, that really really sucks. Why hocd again?? Now it’s being bi instead of gay?
Honestly being bi would be a relief than being gay. I can live with being bi because I could just ignore one side of the attraction and be with women. If you think of it that way, it’s more of a relief than a terrifying obsession.
Same here
I also think it’s impossible, but I get terrified at the fact that I’m only 15 and maybe I’m maturing and becoming lesbian. But even in elementary and middle school and high school I caught feelings for certain boys. It was rare but it was only with boys.
@Lavander actually with that I have to agree even the though of being bi my HOCD says “but you’ll prefer men more though”. So I get what you mean. It’s honestly so annoying.
Exactly! The same thing with me. I've always been an overthinker, so I was pretty scared of getting in a relationship, but my crushes were only towards boys (and celebrity crushes lol). But as I've watched same sex porn, it's the most powerful weapon hocd uses against me. I watch it mostly when I'm in my pms, it's as if I can't fight the urge, and it's always accompanied by so much anxiety and dread. I'm so afraid that I've only not accepted it, but one day I'll snap and act on it. It's terrifying.
*thought
If I look at pornography, I feel the urge to stare at the same sex. As a form of checking, do you do this too?
@TheReptileCyka yes it is! Hocd simply isn't satisfied with anything. There isnt a final answer, unfortunately. It's just hurtful and an endless cycle. And the weirdest thing is that it's our own brains doing this, like a glitch, a fog that twists everything.
@TheReptileCyka yep, I do. Not only with porn, but sometimes in real life too. Sometimes I look at some girl and imagery come to my mind, and I ask myself if I want to kiss her, if I think she's attractive, etc.
It's honestly ridiculous, I just wish this could go away. I don't want to be with a woman, oof.
Yeah I just get this giant urge to stare, then it calls me gay for having the urge to stare in the first place
One thing that gets me to me a lot is I find girls pretty. I can’t let go of that, and it terrifies me to think ”maybe you keep finding them pretty because you’re lesbian” and it really sucks. Also I used to watch the same sex porn as well until this whole thing started. I was so afraid and triggered. Still kind of am but man this sexual orientation stuff can be complicated.
I'm a woman and have been with another woman before. Before the HOCD. I thought maybe I would enjoy it and didn't. I've kissed women as a teenager to impress boys. I've dated 1 girl for like 3 weeks as a teenager and I think it was just experimental. I'm now married to a man who I love. But this HOCD thing started and now it takes all those memories as "Evidence" that I am lying to myself. That I am actually gay. It really sucks. I have alot of straight friends that watch lesbian porn and don't have a problem with it. But I can't because I would panic. I completely avoid porn now because of OCD. I always feel ashamed after any kind of porn watching
What would change if you were bi ? Why would you let something you couldn’t control either way to have such a major effect on you and the quality of your life ? You could still enjoy your life even if you were bi , nothing would hold you back from it except your perception. You have the power to reverse your opinion on being bi and I believe in you and support you all the way. ❤️
I want to cry. I want to die so bad, this isn't worth it at all. I have hocd, but I don't even know at this point. Maybe I am bi or lesbian. Maybe that's what my mind has been trying to make me accept for the past 8 months. Maybe I'll simply never be happy, because that's not who I want to be. It never was. Maybe this is just denial, and internalized homophobia. I'm just so, so tired of this.
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
This can't be true. I simply cannot be a lesbian. I don't feel like one, I can't simply accept I'm one. I can't picture myself with a woman, this isn't internalized homophobia, this has nothing to do with whatever sort of prejudice my ocd has previously lead me to believe I had. I do not. And prejudice wouldn't have this effect on me, denial wouldn't. It's just impossible to feel this bad towards such thing for what? Ten months? It isn't possible that this would torture me continuously every day for ten months. It wouldn't make me cry, make me want to die, it wouldn't make me doubt everything that made me who I am. This is a pathology, hocd is an illness. I'm certain that I'm addicted to porn, and this simply wrecked my life. My body responds to lesbian porn, and then my mind goes crazy from doubt. "What if it means something?" I start shaking, thinking about how this life is sh*t and how ruined I am. Porn makes me feel gross, like I'm being touched without my permission. Thinking about a relationship with a woman makes me feel uneasy. I feel so so lonely, so isolated, so unlovable.
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