- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Uhh me too! I don’t even want to accept uncertainty because I feel like I’d just be lesbian after I do. But I really don’t think I am. Yet my thoughts keep saying other wise.
I’m on the same boat really
It’s okay, of course you know you aren’t alone. We’re all here and you’ll get through this.
I sometimes feel like i wanna be with a woman and I accept the thought just because I dont wanna fight it anymore but if it stays too long i start panicking cause it seems real and i dont want it to be real oof
When I think that I may be lesbian I just think that it's practically impossible, as for my entire life I've liked men and wanted to be with them. Unless I have become a lesbian, but that's not how this works. But even with the thought of being bi, hocd makes me think that I will only want to be with women, that I'm sexually attracted to them. It's honestly very tiring. And yeah, @pgam14, the same thing happens to me. Accepting it is the most hurtful thing ever, I freak out and get really, really anxious.
@reptile are you back on hocd? Or still tocd?
Both now unfortunately
I have three obsessions, HOCD, TOCD, and being a bad person
Wow, that really really sucks. Why hocd again?? Now it’s being bi instead of gay?
Honestly being bi would be a relief than being gay. I can live with being bi because I could just ignore one side of the attraction and be with women. If you think of it that way, it’s more of a relief than a terrifying obsession.
Same here
I also think it’s impossible, but I get terrified at the fact that I’m only 15 and maybe I’m maturing and becoming lesbian. But even in elementary and middle school and high school I caught feelings for certain boys. It was rare but it was only with boys.
@Lavander actually with that I have to agree even the though of being bi my HOCD says “but you’ll prefer men more though”. So I get what you mean. It’s honestly so annoying.
Exactly! The same thing with me. I've always been an overthinker, so I was pretty scared of getting in a relationship, but my crushes were only towards boys (and celebrity crushes lol). But as I've watched same sex porn, it's the most powerful weapon hocd uses against me. I watch it mostly when I'm in my pms, it's as if I can't fight the urge, and it's always accompanied by so much anxiety and dread. I'm so afraid that I've only not accepted it, but one day I'll snap and act on it. It's terrifying.
*thought
If I look at pornography, I feel the urge to stare at the same sex. As a form of checking, do you do this too?
@TheReptileCyka yes it is! Hocd simply isn't satisfied with anything. There isnt a final answer, unfortunately. It's just hurtful and an endless cycle. And the weirdest thing is that it's our own brains doing this, like a glitch, a fog that twists everything.
@TheReptileCyka yep, I do. Not only with porn, but sometimes in real life too. Sometimes I look at some girl and imagery come to my mind, and I ask myself if I want to kiss her, if I think she's attractive, etc.
It's honestly ridiculous, I just wish this could go away. I don't want to be with a woman, oof.
Yeah I just get this giant urge to stare, then it calls me gay for having the urge to stare in the first place
One thing that gets me to me a lot is I find girls pretty. I can’t let go of that, and it terrifies me to think ”maybe you keep finding them pretty because you’re lesbian” and it really sucks. Also I used to watch the same sex porn as well until this whole thing started. I was so afraid and triggered. Still kind of am but man this sexual orientation stuff can be complicated.
I'm a woman and have been with another woman before. Before the HOCD. I thought maybe I would enjoy it and didn't. I've kissed women as a teenager to impress boys. I've dated 1 girl for like 3 weeks as a teenager and I think it was just experimental. I'm now married to a man who I love. But this HOCD thing started and now it takes all those memories as "Evidence" that I am lying to myself. That I am actually gay. It really sucks. I have alot of straight friends that watch lesbian porn and don't have a problem with it. But I can't because I would panic. I completely avoid porn now because of OCD. I always feel ashamed after any kind of porn watching
What would change if you were bi ? Why would you let something you couldn’t control either way to have such a major effect on you and the quality of your life ? You could still enjoy your life even if you were bi , nothing would hold you back from it except your perception. You have the power to reverse your opinion on being bi and I believe in you and support you all the way. ❤️
I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
**If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer.** It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.
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