I'm feeling awful. This simply can't be true. If I was in fact bi I'd feel good because of it, but I don't. I actually feel dread by this thought. I don't have any will in being with a woman. Today my childhood friend that I lost contact with told me she's bi. This triggered me so much, got all these images on my mind. I just want to be free from these thoughts, I don't want to keep wondering if I want to be with women, this messes me up so much. I don't want to keep asking myself if this is really hocd or denial or internalized homophobia. I can't deal with this anymore.

Uhh me too! I don’t even want to accept uncertainty because I feel like I’d just be lesbian after I do. But I really don’t think I am. Yet my thoughts keep saying other wise.

I’m on the same boat really

It’s okay, of course you know you aren’t alone. We’re all here and you’ll get through this.

I sometimes feel like i wanna be with a woman and I accept the thought just because I dont wanna fight it anymore but if it stays too long i start panicking cause it seems real and i dont want it to be real oof

When I think that I may be lesbian I just think that it's practically impossible, as for my entire life I've liked men and wanted to be with them. Unless I have become a lesbian, but that's not how this works. But even with the thought of being bi, hocd makes me think that I will only want to be with women, that I'm sexually attracted to them. It's honestly very tiring. And yeah, @pgam14, the same thing happens to me. Accepting it is the most hurtful thing ever, I freak out and get really, really anxious.

@reptile are you back on hocd? Or still tocd?

Both now unfortunately

I have three obsessions, HOCD, TOCD, and being a bad person

Wow, that really really sucks. Why hocd again?? Now it’s being bi instead of gay?

Honestly being bi would be a relief than being gay. I can live with being bi because I could just ignore one side of the attraction and be with women. If you think of it that way, it’s more of a relief than a terrifying obsession.

Same here

I also think it’s impossible, but I get terrified at the fact that I’m only 15 and maybe I’m maturing and becoming lesbian. But even in elementary and middle school and high school I caught feelings for certain boys. It was rare but it was only with boys.

@Lavander actually with that I have to agree even the though of being bi my HOCD says “but you’ll prefer men more though”. So I get what you mean. It’s honestly so annoying.

Exactly! The same thing with me. I've always been an overthinker, so I was pretty scared of getting in a relationship, but my crushes were only towards boys (and celebrity crushes lol). But as I've watched same sex porn, it's the most powerful weapon hocd uses against me. I watch it mostly when I'm in my pms, it's as if I can't fight the urge, and it's always accompanied by so much anxiety and dread. I'm so afraid that I've only not accepted it, but one day I'll snap and act on it. It's terrifying.

*thought

If I look at pornography, I feel the urge to stare at the same sex. As a form of checking, do you do this too?

@TheReptileCyka yes it is! Hocd simply isn't satisfied with anything. There isnt a final answer, unfortunately. It's just hurtful and an endless cycle. And the weirdest thing is that it's our own brains doing this, like a glitch, a fog that twists everything.

@TheReptileCyka yep, I do. Not only with porn, but sometimes in real life too. Sometimes I look at some girl and imagery come to my mind, and I ask myself if I want to kiss her, if I think she's attractive, etc.

It's honestly ridiculous, I just wish this could go away. I don't want to be with a woman, oof.

Yeah I just get this giant urge to stare, then it calls me gay for having the urge to stare in the first place

One thing that gets me to me a lot is I find girls pretty. I can’t let go of that, and it terrifies me to think ”maybe you keep finding them pretty because you’re lesbian” and it really sucks. Also I used to watch the same sex porn as well until this whole thing started. I was so afraid and triggered. Still kind of am but man this sexual orientation stuff can be complicated.

I'm a woman and have been with another woman before. Before the HOCD. I thought maybe I would enjoy it and didn't. I've kissed women as a teenager to impress boys. I've dated 1 girl for like 3 weeks as a teenager and I think it was just experimental. I'm now married to a man who I love. But this HOCD thing started and now it takes all those memories as "Evidence" that I am lying to myself. That I am actually gay. It really sucks. I have alot of straight friends that watch lesbian porn and don't have a problem with it. But I can't because I would panic. I completely avoid porn now because of OCD. I always feel ashamed after any kind of porn watching

What would change if you were bi ? Why would you let something you couldn’t control either way to have such a major effect on you and the quality of your life ? You could still enjoy your life even if you were bi , nothing would hold you back from it except your perception. You have the power to reverse your opinion on being bi and I believe in you and support you all the way. ❤️