Deleted post.

@BigGyro09 Thank you so much for commenting. It makes me feel better to know I’m not alone, and thank you for sharing. I’m the same, I have really bad mistakes from when I was younger, and I put an end to that. But then I remembered things from when I was 18/19 and it just makes me feel really defeated cause it’s like…how did I not know better by then? I think I thought I was a better person by then but I wasn’t. I feel like I “woke up” at 20 and just started slowly realizing all of these mistakes were so bad. It feels so unfair because I can’t fathom doing these things now, and I can tell myself oh yeah I’ve grown and learned and I’ve changed. My past just really holds me back. I don’t know. I’m trying to have hope that it will get better one day. I hope that things get better for you too.

@bloominglotus Something that I try to remember is that our minds don't stop growing until we reach 25 years old. We're around the same age pretty much, so we still have a couple of years until it's done for us. When it comes to the younger versions of ourselves, I really just want to try and accept that and be kind. We were kids just trying to understand everything. I want to believe that for when we were 18/19 as well. That's still fairly young and all. For me, when I was around 18, I remember something that had happened that was centered around POCD and it made me feel so awful and full of anxiety, to the point where I think it kept me up at night. It happened at another time and sometimes it makes me feel really disgusted because I believe what OCD tells me rather than what really happened. It's such a blur that's being blended in between two things when it comes to remembering these things. At the end of the day, they're all things that give me great shame and it's just hard to not be so hard on myself for it. I totally get the whole thing that's like "why did I do this?" Or "why did I do this in this way?" Sometimes I'm able to see why and other times I'm just not.. Do you have a therapist by any chance? It's getting better little by little for me and it's making me learn a lot about myself that I didn't think I'd see. Right now, things aren't too great because much like you I'm just remembering all of the bad things I feel like I put myself through. Hopefully it'll get better.

@BigGyro09 That’s a good point, that makes me feel a little better actually. I relate to that as well. It’s really hard when it’s related to POCD. It’s so difficult not to ruminate and feel ashamed. I don’t have a therapist yet. I’m hoping to as soon as possible. I’m glad to hear that it’s gotten a little better. That’s what I’m hoping for with therapy, to try to understand myself better and try my best to make any changes. I’m sorry it’s not too great right now. Some days are ok, but others you just get hit by something you did in the past, and it’s just stuck there. I try my best to believe it will get better eventually. I’m glad to hear you’ve seen some improvement though, that always gives me more hope when I hear that from other people. Thank you so much for talking with me.

@bloominglotus I'm really glad I could help. When you get a therapist, things will be a lot easier than without. It helps so much to get another perspective with a therapist that's trained to really help you. It's like magic. Right now I'm just stuck on the past because of all the things I've done, but I'm also trying to look at what I can do now. I'm trying to refrain from engaging into the bad habit and focus on the good. My main goal is just changing the way I think, you know? Again, I'm glad that I was able to help.