I know I shouldn't, but someone please tell me I'm not a monster bc of an image. It's making me cry. I can't believe this. I feel like I've lost my whole person. Can anyone relate? I'm not me anymore.... and I want it back so bad!!
Things will get better. I'm not sure where you've been. I do know where I've been. And not too long ago I was in a deep dark, place. I started Meditating. anddoing breathing exercises. Looking up podcast on depression and O.C.D Things will get better. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Thank you.... I'm in a very dark place right now and I've lost 30lbs bc of it. It's affected my eating. I will look some of the meditating up and try the breathing exercises. I appreciate you responding. I can use all the advice I can get right now. ♥
@Speckles Honestly, trying to gravitate to the fact that you knowing you have OCD should make you realize that everything you're thinking about and going through pretty much doesn't exist. Although you are struggling physically and mentally and OCD has an actual tangible effect on you, you need to realize that all of it is completely fake and has 0 truth. There is comfort in that fact.
@partynextdoor Thank you so much. I needed that. It's been really hard thinking you are a terrible person, but knowing you can't even kill a bug! You are right it's All fake!! I'm trying to fight this, but it's exhausting
I’m struggling at the moment. It feels like I want to or have to do the harm thoughts and it’s terrifying.
I'm here for you!! I think you said you had 5 cats. One harm thought went to my cat that I loved so much. It was terrible. He passed in Nov. I was devastated. You don't want to do those things. Can you try to do something that will busy you... anything?? It took all effort for me to take a shower today, but did it and it's been days. I feel clean finally. Scribble on paper, rip it up shreds. Something to move you. I know easier said than done. Let me know if you did one of those. Get back to me and we can help each other. I also have other disgusting images besides harm and they are very disturbing. I did 2 things today and that's all I could do
@Speckles I completely get it 😔. It’s so horrible. I was able to go volunteer at the cat shelter today, so that helped. But now I feel back at square one.
@Catlove9 That's great you did that!! That's an accomplishment!! Can you snuggle with one of your cats for comfort now??
@Speckles I could. Sometimes the harm thoughts just turn on them 😔
@Catlove9 I know.... it's awful. I'm so sorry, but that's not you... it's the OCD. I feel like I have no emotions or I can't love anymore. Not sure if you feel this way. It's scary feeling. I'm just existing
@Speckles I feel that way as well. It also feels if I have a moment of happiness, the OCD comes in and says “yah but you’re really a monster who will hurt people.”
@Catlove9 Hold onto that moment of happiness. I know easier said than done, but that's a good sign that you are actually getting a moment of happiness. We have to fight back at it somehow. Did you say you were on any meds?
@Speckles I tried them before but am not on them now. They didn’t really make a difference for me.
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Thank you. I'm in a really bad way. I've been hospitalized a few times and afraid of it happening again. I'm working with NOCD. Had a psychologist too, but don't think he gets it. How are you doing now? The weird thing I was doing fine a few months ago. Not sure why now this is happening now when I felt good.
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?
I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I've spent the morning crying, and I feel like I don't deserve to. I feel like I'm a horrible person or a... you know. I'm so sick of this. I'm just so tired of everything. I don't see my psychiatrist until two weeks from now. How am I going to make it till then? :( Even writing this post, I feel like I'm deceiving everyone and that I'm actually a monster. I'm so convinced of this right now. I don't know what to do. I was literally okay a few days ago. I don't even know what's real and what's not, like... I think I do? But everything is so distorted. I can't stop replaying memories trying to figure things out. I really need my psychiatrist right now. I feel like I need to confess, like I've been trying so hard not to, but every person I see, I just keep thinking about how badly I want to ask them if I'm a bad person or not, and that makes me feel worse. A good person wouldn't feel the need to ask that over and over again, would they? What if I'm just seeking validation because I can't accept that?
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