The past two days, i dont know what it is, but none of my techniques have worked. Thought diffusion, understanding how ocd works, its like it doesnt register, like im not listening. I just feel really despaired, I keep automatically buying into my thoughts, and I feel like im in an inevitable path of doom.
I’m in the same spot. It’s almost like my brain is trying to force me to like the thoughts in some way to decrease the anxiety. The dreams are the worst part. And for me I am gay but my brain is trying to tell me I am straight it’s awful. I feel like another person is trying to take over my body and mind and I’m just locked out :(
Im the same, gay being compelled to be straight. I had a really great day 2 days ago, where i could finally appreciate something from a woman platonically without thoughts, but its like that somehow just absolutely triggered my ocd, and since then ive just been too exhausted and demotivated to keep letting go and moving on. Just really frustrated
I guess we just have to hang in there. Do you get this like automatic dread everytime you see a woman that kinda feels like false attraction? That’s the part that’s killing me a little inside lol. I have always been able to say when women are pretty but I have never been into them like that. And now all the thoughts and sexually intrusive images are causing me a lot of stress. It’s hard to enjoy moments with my BF because of it all.
Just about, but its really inconsistent. Im usually able to filter it out when its something really out there like a grandma or something, but when its someone conventionally attractive i get stuck in rumination, like "what could this mean???". Ive had many long term relationships with dudes, but i had my first irl one in october. I liked it, but i had an intense amount of ROCD, even though i didnt know it at the time, and I ended up ending the relationship. I developed SOOCD slowly since then and its an absolute pain. It changes its story everyday, one day it finds everything negative in the world to say about men i see at once, the next its like "yeah we love men but maybe we love girls too". When im too exhausted or in the morning its easy to buy into them from the guilt of having these intrusive thoughts. But then i panic, it isnt what i want, and it feels like someone else is making the decisions.
Welllllll you’re not alone bud. I am in the exact same boat so find some solace in that fact alone. These thoughts can be sooooooo convincing and makes everything you used to love seem distant. I’m always here if you ever need to talk or vent too. Mornings and nights are definitely the worst. I have had a lot of bad issues with ROCD too and it’s affected many of my relationships. But eventually when you find the one they will hold on to you through all the pain and strife going on in your mind.
I appreciate it. Its nice to have someone to relate to
So how long have you been dealing with SOOCD? Have you gone through medication or therapy?
Yeah it’s pretty rough I am sorry you’re going through it. It’s scary how real the thoughts feel I have been waking up from nightmares every night from it which really sucks. I’m a little scared of ERP cuz I really don’t want to turn straight
Ive had the same problem. ACT has worked better for me than ERP, mostly because I cant really distress myself on purpose, if i premeditate it, i dont feel anything. It basically felt like one big compulsion. ACT was more about thought diffusion and letting the intrusive thoughts flow through me without dwelling on them. Based on my other ocd themes, sometimes i felt like giving up, or compromising, and sometimes i would, and itd provide temporary relief, but then itd always feel wrong and id be at square 1 again. Thats why confession is a compulsion. It doesnt solve the problem like your brain thinks it will. Even if i feel like im bi or straight, i know the feelings will fade and ill be okay, I just do my best not to do compulsions or act on it, because i know it wont make me happy. Not that it makes the thoughts any less scary though.
Yeah I completely understand where you’re coming from. I have always been able to handle my OCD on my own but this one has thrown me for a real loop it’s sucked. I honestly think the ease of p*rn access for the general population is contributing to the rise of this kinda ocd. The intrusive thoughts and anxiety when seeing women is the hardest part for me :/
I always feel really guilty over my thoughts. Theyre so inconsistent they always throw me for a loop. Since ive been medicated sometimes theres anxiety and sometimes there isnt. If they go too far i have a panic attack. Im worried one day ill start enjoying it, but im sure everyone has that fear. I have good days and i have bad days, i just do my best.
Idk about you bud some days feel way worse than others. I don’t have a lot of anxiety from my thoughts now so it’s starting to feel natural which I know is just OCD causing more issues but I cannot get the thoughts to stop bombarding me. I saw someone wrote that treating the thoughts like that boggart thing in Harry potter where you have to treat your fears ridiculously and walk towards them not away from them but that’s just causing me to think about them more.
I dont think you have to embrace the thoughts perse, you just have to not act reactively to try and prove them wrong. I went through a similar thing, where once the thoughts stopped causing me anxiety, they felt more real, which caused a slump for a few days until i adapted. Some days you only have thoughts when triggered, other times they feel like the only thing you can think about. My ocd has finally given me a break after a really hard time this week, the same will happen for you too buddy, just hang in there.
I really hope so I miss the me a month ago :( I hope to get to that point again soon. I am ready for the thoughts and images to not rule my day anymore.
Yeah i feel that a lot.
My attraction to men was really in full swing yesterday and the 1st half of today. But im bein triggered pretty hard doing my exposures today.
@Logan_B Yeah that was me yesterday. It’s almost like a light switch flips in your brain sometimes it’s hard. My biggest problem is the mental images that pops up when I’m looking at men. It sucks it’s almost automatic at this point :(
@Gearjoker A lightswitch is a good analogy. Its like the ocd's story changes in an instant once youre triggered. Its not like i have any sexual interest or urges for girls. But when i look at men, im scared i wont feel attraction, and when i look at women im afraid i will. And ocd just really turns that fear into reality.
@Logan_B You are so 100% accurate. I think the habit of the thoughts and checking is causing the problems it’s really really annoying :( I’m ready for it to be over
@Gearjoker I just hate how inconsistent it is. I was doing well this morning, but now im really in the thick of it, doubting myself, buying my thoughts. Backdoor spike is my biggest weakness. Even though i know itll come back, having a break from the thoughts makes me pretty boastful.
@Logan_B I was in the same spot yesterday then crashed hard last night and today. I am trying hard not to give in to the compulsions. But it’s so hard to tell when I am doing one.
@Gearjoker Do you ever have the problem where any time you can actually manage attraction for your preferred sex, your ocd swoops in and hijacks the thoughts to try to point them towards women?
Yes it’s awful like it legit is trying everything to make me feel straight.
Im not sure how long ive had SOOCD, its just that its gotten worse. Its like ive had this deep seated feeling of inadequacy for being gay, like i was an imposter. "Its just porn addiction, you cant handle it irl". And sure it has its challenges i wasnt expecting, but i dated a boy irl and I felt at peace with it. But OCD is never satisfied, it doesnt matter how many times you prove it wrong, it will move the goalpost, and it will make you desperately search for solutions for a danger that doesnt exist.
@Logan_B I can tell you I have felt the exact same way. I know this won’t help in the long run because it does always move the goal post and always makes reassurance useless. But I have had the exact same thoughts I have known I was gay since a super young age. I always had crushes on boys in the playground and not girls never had an actual crush on a girl till this very day I have never had a real crush on a girl. But even though I know that the false feelings the images and false attraction make it so much harder to know what’s real or not. So much so that some days I want to come out straight just to make it go away but I know none of this will ever work to help me.
@Gearjoker Thats about where im at. Part of my imposter syndrome is that i never really had any early life story like that. I figured out i was gay at 14 and it wasnt through any irl event, it was through exposure to people i met online. I didnt end up having a crush on a boy until i was in late high school, and he turned me down. Its a pretty rare event for me, even more nowdays out of school when i hardly meet anyone new. Part of me wishes i did have that experience, and I pushed myself to be more comfortable with irl stuff, but i think that only contributed to my ocd. I notice when i doubt myself, and im like "shit, maybe i do like women", it isnt from a legitimate form of attraction. Its like my brain is assualting me with these thoughts, and then trying to rationalize their reason for being there, and my exhausted, defeated brain just buys into it for some semblance of security. Part of the reason why ive had such bad ocd spikes is because i do well, and im able to actually appreciate women platonically for once. Like, yeah she looks nice, but I dont want to date her, but being her friend would be cool. Then not long after ocd stirs up. Thats what happened today.
One of my extreme fears is that there is no such thing as gay men and that we all will just end up with women in the long run it’s so terrifying to me because it’s so crazy and irrational but it doesn’t make it less scary
Ive thought like that before too. Its like i harbor this shame for being gay, especially when it comes to expectations from my family. I always tried to improve myself and be a better person, and i was always terrified that would somehow turn me straight. Never finding anyone serious about dating and settling down also put that fear in me.
Ill admit im really glad i got to meet you. Ive felt like theres a bit of degree of separation between me and other people suffering with HOCD. I dont mean to be rude or undermine their suffering, but society aligns a lot more with being straight, I dont think they really have to deal with that pressure. Its just nice to have something more personal to confide in.
I’m 1000% thankful to have found you on here too. Everything is always from the lenses of straight or Bi I feel like now and days there isn’t really representation of gay anything. So it’s really hard to find someone that understands the deep rooted fears that have come on since childhood. It’s always felt like I know who myself is, however the pressure of society and even to some degree the LGBT community it’s like no cares how we feel or what we are experiencing. I will say I think that’s why this ocd has hit me so hard it’s almost like it’s taken my confidence, happiness and security in myself.
I think a big reason why i developed ocd over this, is that ive felt like ive had to validate my sexuality to others. My family doesnt take it seriously, when i explain why I find more peace and happiness in men, the response is always "well why dont you find a girl like that". I didnt realize it but ive kind of internalized those fears of proving them right.
@Logan_B I have dealt with the same thing. The other issue I have dealt with is most of the men I have dated end up being Bi and breaking up with me to be with girls so that’s always been hard for me to handle and internalize :( my family never really accepted the gay thing either they just kind of deal with it.
@Gearjoker Kind of the same with me. Ive only ever dated bi dudes, and everytime i try to further the relationship and take it more seriously they shirk away. Its like they only wanted to date to have fun, very manchild-ish. It gave me this intense fear that itll always be like this, that a gay man whose gentle and mature doesnt exist. But i do know people like that, its just scary to think about. I came out to my dad and he was honest that he supports me, but he wishes id change my mind. They both still act like im expected to marry a woman someday.
@Logan_B Yeah my parents are the same all we can do is to try and love ourselves and be comfortable in our own skin. How old are you?
@Gearjoker Turning 22 this year, still in college.
This would be about a month now. And I just started going to therapy last week through nocd. This is by far the most stressful sub type of ocd I have had. And I have been experiencing OCD since I was about 6 or so.
About the same here, middle of february. Not in therapy but im on medication. I didnt know what i had was ocd, but ive been dealing with themes like pocd and other sexual ocds since i was probably 14. Theyve always latched onto things ive cared about
Yeah I think you’re right about that it’s a pretty common fear
Its really tough but i think we'll both figure it out. It can just be really hard at times.
Yeah I’m trying to face it directly and not run from it but the thoughts are terrifying some days it’s almost like I’m loosing myself sometimes
Dissasociation and depersonalization is a really big thing with ocd i dont think gets talked about enough. I very rarely feel like myself unless im having a streak of good days. Chrissie Hodges and Therapy in a Nutshell videos have helped me learned a lot about the cycles of ocd and what people typically experience.
I freaking love her videos she’s been so helpful to me!!!! I also like Ali greymond
Gotcha I’m 26 so I can totally understand where you’re at in life.
Yeah it sucks :(
Also if you have Instagram feel free to send your username if you ever want to talk on there :)
Only thing ive got is a discord im afraid :(
No worries I have discord too what’s your username?
deerby
It won’t let me add you by that
Does Deerby#7643 work?
Srry i had it set to where you had to be a server mutual to add
I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
Im struggling with false memory pocd sexual what if thoughts. I discussed it with three therapists. Did CBT and ERP. Ive been free of this intrusive thoughts for 11 months and now its back and i feel like at square onewith doubt. Redoubting things ive already did therapy on and disproved. I felt inner peace and fine for almost a year and now back to feeling stuck ruminating questioning whats real memory and whats false memory even though deep down i kmkw its false memory i have evidence against the thoughts and its so ego dystonic theres no proof as my therapist said.
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