- Date posted
- 1y
vent
im very. tired. just drained. the past four or so weeks have taken everything out of me. the energy, drive, hope, etc. i would love to believe it's tied to school (im in my 4th week) but honestly its been the only thing keeping me from js throwing in the towel on everything (not saying in a self harm way, i mean as in js completely giving into the depressive episode). cant trust my dad. cant trust my mom. was already the case before, but gets worse and worse every single day. as in remembering or finding out abt things that fundamentally change the way i see them as people, let alone as parents. nobody in my family is aware of the actual details of my mental health/illnesses. not to say i want everyone to know everything, obviously NOT, but i don't have anyone to go to as my symptoms worsen, knowing i will either be called a liar or they'll tell everyone else. same with friends. not that i don't trust them, but im scared it'll either scare them away or they won't know what to say and ill be left feeling more alone than i already feel. im ashamed and im terrified of myself, of all the years ahead of me people keep talking about, unaware that everytime i think of the future, i think of the fact that some of my more severe symptoms/illnesses will never truly be gone. in fact, inversely, much is expected to worsen. im trying to act proud. they ask so many questions, and i give answers to appease. but i feel myself spiraling out again and i am so, so, so exhausted. my rituals... the handwashing, the magic number, the taboo intrustive thoughts, the skin picking and now the hair pulling (these two are now taking up most of my days home), etc. and the bpd, this empty pit i feel, these huge jumps between being so angry with someone and a moment later crying myself sick because i feel bad about the anger and interpret everything as rejection or conspiracy. then there's the visual and auditory hallucinations, the constant nagging in the back of my head telling me im being watched, im only acting human, everything i am saying is untrue and someone else is acting through me, unaided by the dizzying jumps from dissociating, depersonalizing, and hyperawareness... even writing this, i keep thinking i am lying. i am lying, everything i do is false, orchestrated, action taken through me from someone or something external, it's taking everything out of me. i can't sleep, then i sleep too much. the addiction, too. im not going to, nor do i feel necessarily the urge to, harm myself. im just tired. very tired. thinking of harming myself, actually, feels like such a waste of time and energy. i just want to let the world pass me by, drag me along with it, let it take over. ugh.