Jealousy and Melancholy

Hi, I need some help and insightful words if you aren’t too busy and it’s convenient for you. I’m very melancholic, borderline, and irrationally jealous. Here’s the story: My grandmother is letting my female cousin move in her house, despite the fact that she most likely does drugs — she talks extremely fast, always has beer in her hand, is very thin, and has abnormally constricted pupils. Her father used to be on meth. That really bothers me, and it’s not fair because all her money will go to them and she’ll be rent-free. It’s also not fair because, humbly speaking, I make good decisions, used to take care of the family the best I could, and got kicked out when I turned on the water for the roommate’s RV out of kindness (you remember what happened). I understand that she broke up with her ex-con criminal boyfriend, but this is no excuse. It sounds horrible, but I don’t care, as she got herself into her own mess and she’s the company that she keeps, and she needs to find her own way, yet I at least tried to be compassionate and prayed that she stay safe. I got to admit, I also did a banishing ritual for her not to move in or not stay there forever so no one gets in trouble for her plausible using. Anyways, I am unable to control my depression and jealousy. I was told that I was the favorite granddaughter, however, now with her moving in, I am afraid that that won’t last forever. I can’t cook and my grandmother loves her meals — she always brags about them. That makes me angry, which is one of the “poisons” in Buddhism. I’m melancholic since I know that she’ll warm up to her again, despite me warning her of her past (or current) criminal history when I did a background check. How can I control the unnecessary crying spells and jealously? I keep on reminding myself that according to Buddhist philosophy, jealousy is one of the three “poisons.” Yet, I’m unable to control these imprisoning feelings that are associated with the mortal brain that God gave me that just so happens to have a major chemical imbalance. I know I chose to live this way before I was born as a test of resilience, but everyday it is so difficult to live with OCD, Bipolar depression, ASD, etc. Also, I’m trying to finish an exercise in my jealousy workbook, but it isn’t quite helping. Do you have any helpful tips? Thank you for your time! I apologize if this sounds too lengthy… I’m also going to send this to my therapist.

Earth Angel

Date posted: 1y

I forgot to add to the story since this is also going to my therapist, as I need all the help I can get. It’s a long story — I used to be the family caregiver for my uncle with bipolar and schizophrenia and grandmother with dementia. She got paranoid and falsely accused our roommate of stealing her keys, so she told me to not turn on the water to her RV whenever she needs to shower for work. My mother said that this is illegal, so I turned on the water anyways out of compassion and human decency. She found out and called me on the phone. She told me how ashamed and disappointed she was. She also told me that I was a disloyalty. :( So, I became suicidal and told her that I needed to go to the hospital since I cut my wrists. She told me that this wasn’t the right place for me :( She fired me for needing to go to the hospital, yet still apologized since her dementia and plausible mood disorder got in the way of her kindness. So, I left.

Joe87

Date posted: 1y

I think this is a real tough one to navigate and can relate to how you feel in a lot of ways. Can I first ask do you feel ambivalent to some of your family?

Earth Angel

Date posted: 1y

@Joe87 I do not.

Joe87

Date posted: 1y

@Earth Angel Oh right well firstly from what you've described here I wouldn't say that your jealousy is irrational because it sounds although you were kicked out of your grandmothers for doing a good deed and now your cousin is about to be housed by her. If there isn't much more to it than just that then I have to say that I think I would also feel a bit peed off by it as would a lot of people. I wish I could tell you an instant way to not feel the way that you do about this but unfortunately I dont think there is one and i think the onky way is to try and distract yourself as much as you can by doing things that are positive for you and make you feel good about you so that doesnt mean avoidance of what youre feeling i think its more a case of acceptance of what you're feeling, acceptance that it's okay to feel this way but then deciding that you are going to do positive things for yourself in light of it

mental Warrior

Date posted: 24w

I just need to talk about intense jealousy

Okay so, this is gonna be very detailed because it's a lot. I have a friend that going to be in China for an exchange program and that's obviously amazing! But...I got super jealous because my biggest dream is to live in an Asian country but as I always do when I feel jealousy instead of letting it consume me I tell the person I'm jealous of so that I can ensure it doesn't feel odd carrying around jealousy that they know nothing about if that makes sense. And so I tell him and he brushes it off, but the jealousy stays with me. I've also been having some harm OCD thoughts beforehand so the two thoughts merged and I thought of horrendous thoughts it's so scary cause these thoughts are not just intrusive, they have a meaning attached to them😭. Back in the day I'd get jealous and it would be just that...no harmful thoughts towards the other person but just because I've been in an OCD rut I have actually been unable to feel negative emotions anymore without them having to be tainted with harmful thoughts towards others or myself honestly like wth😭! I hate this! What do y'all do with intense jealousy??

shirleyCstar

Date posted: 22w

Advice and Unbiased Opinions Please!!!

This isn’t OCD related so I’m sorry, but I don’t know another platform like this where I can talk to other people and actually get responses. OCD has been a huge fucking setback for me in life. I had to drop classes, wasn’t able to do things, and just felt so shitty all the time because of it. I feel like I blame OCD for everything I’m not. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Just today I saw someone I once knew and felt all of those feelings I used to have that made me miserable. Anyways, I tried taking my driver’s test a couple days ago but I wasn’t able to. The DMV only accepted cash. I felt upset but it was whatever. I’m almost 19, and I don’t have a driver’s license. So passing it would mean a lot to me. I compare myself to others my age; they have cars, hobbies, friends, go to college, etc… I don’t have any of that. Maybe comparing myself and all of that is my fault. My family says it’s my fault I’m sad because I just wallow in it. Hearing them say that makes me frustrated and hurt, but maybe they’re right. My mom texted a couple of my siblings in a group chat I wasn’t a part of, “He wants to wallow and be depressed. And woe is me, wah wah wah.” That made me really angry because my siblings were agreeing with her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am selfish and think the world revolves around me. My sister tells me I need to advocate for myself more, I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve only been a burden my whole life. My OCD created this whole issue in my family and I hate that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want an answer. Am I really a loser? Do I really wallow in it? Am I not trying like my family says? I just want to talk to someone.

Gmoki

Date posted: 17w

I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

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Jealousy and Melancholy

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