- Username
- jenna22
- Date posted
- 35w ago
My ROCD Story
Hey everyone! This is my first time posting on this app and I’ve been wanting to write my story for a while, but was always so scared to. Now, i feel comfortable enough after reading so many relatable posts and stories when it comes to suffering with ROCD. Every relationship I’ve been in, ROCD has always popped up in different ways. The same questions will always pop up, “Am I with the right person? Am I attracted to him? Can I see a future with him?” And then the BIG and SCARY one, “Do I love him??” Eeeeek!!! Currently, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with my marine boyfriend for more than a year now. The first couple of months of dating him, there was no doubt in my mind that I didn’t love him or find him attractive. I was head over heels for this man and always had a hard time saying goodbye whenever he had to go home, which was two hours away (ik not too far, but never knew when the next time I was going to see him since his work schedule was always up in the air). ANYWAYS, my ROCD started flaring up in this relationship around month 9 when we started talking about our future together since he will be moving to another state in few months (life of a marine moving bases every couple years). The feeling of the ROCD symptoms wasn’t like WHAM here’s ROCD! It started popping up slowly. First, I started getting anxious with the idea of moving, which is completely normal, but then, questions like “Am I ready to move and leave my family in a few months? Can I see myself getting married to him? Is he the one?” It was like a domino effect and more dominos kept adding on and getting scarier. Lately, it’s been thoughts like “Do I find him attractive? Do I like his side profile when he drives? Is he annoying when I hear his voice on the phone?” I always feel like a horrible person thinking these thoughts and I desperately want to go back to how to my normal self in this relationship. It feels like im always self sabotaging every situation like celebrating holidays together and hanging out with our families. I never feel present during the fun times with him and I’ve been feeling this way for five months now. Every time I see him now, I feel this heaviness anxiety ball in my chest and my heart beating fast like I should run away from him. DEEP DOWN, I know that’s not what I want but these scary thoughts have been going on for so long now, it’s getting unbearable to the point I just want to give up and break up with him even though DEEP DOWN that’s not what I want. I feel like even that deep down feeling is disappearing and I don’t feel like my happy self anymore. It’s physically and mentally exhausting to the point I don’t want get out of bed. The only time I feel some sort of relief/peace is when im home alone or at work (preschool) to keep my mind busy. ROCD IS NO JOKE and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I sometimes feel like maybe it’s not ROCD. My mind is so mean to me and back and forth. It’s horrible to suffer with this pain and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Just know that if you are dealing with something similar, you are not alone.