My ROCD Story

Hi everyone, I’ve been meaning to write this for some time now, but kept looking for the “right time”. I suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD). I met my current partner about 3 years ago. We immediately had a connection and there was something different about him compared to my prior relationships. However, I didn’t feel the butterflies. I didn’t feel like I was on top of the world. And that’s when it started: ROCD. From as early as our second date, I remember thinking “am I attracted to him?” “Am I just with him cuz he meets all the criteria?” “Do I even like him”. A few intrusive thoughts turned into constant rumination, crippling anxiety and most importantly, fear. I constantly obsessed about whether he was the one, whether I really liked him, etc. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I started going to talk therapy where I would feel some relief after my session which was followed by an even stronger wave of anxiety. I would seek reassurance from friend after friend, my mom, my brother. In fact, I even had a hierarchy in my head of which person I went to for reassurance based on the level of anxiety I was feeling. I contemplated breaking up numerous times. My therapist once told me “why don’t you just take a break from the relationship?” And I nearly passed out from the panic and anxiety (this therapist was evidently not OCD trained and never thought it was odd that for 6 months straight the only thing I ever talked about was my relationship and the “rightness” of it). I compulsively googled things like “how to know if someone is the one”. I even started taking medication. I truly had no idea what was going on. Mind you, I am a doctor, board certified in internal medicine. And I did everything I could to diagnose myself, but I was clearly unsuccessful. My MD was of no help. Then, I opened up to a friend of mine who suffers from OCD (a different theme) herself, and she put it together. She told me to stop compulsively googling all the things I already had been, but to google ROCD. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was not crazy and most impotently, I wasn’t alone. I signed up for a therapist with NOCD. I started therapy with an OCD trained therapist (Taylor Newendorp, he’s amazing btw). I practiced ERP diligently. Did I have days when I fell back in the traps of ROCD? Heck yeah. At first I did ERP via intentional exercises I was given by my therapist. However, the most effective and HARDEST ERP is doing it with real life situations. You can write out scenarios and sit with the anxiety it causes all you want, but the true moments of ERP are when you are faced with a real life scenario and you feel that jolt of anxiety. For example, I had been doing intentional ERP exercises for several weeks and making progress. One day, when my partner and I were just watching TV, a character on the show we were watching said “true love just clicks. It doesn’t feel complicated or scary”. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I felt 10/10 anxiety and that I had to break up right then. I remember thinking that I had been working so hard then why do I still feel this anxiety? But in that moment, I took a step back and said to myself “yup. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. Maybe I’m in not in love. Maybe I am” and then I continued watching the show. The anxiety stayed for a long, long time. But I did everything in my power to not give in and talk about it as I always did with my partner. Or start ruminating. I let it sit there and I let myself feel the anxiety. It sucked, ALOT. But over time as I did that over and over and over again with every real life situation, I got better at it. I got better at leaving the thought alone. I got better at not seeking reassurance, ruminating, googling, confessing, checking, comparing. Fast forward three years, I just got married 2 weeks ago to the same guy! The guy who I was convinced wasn’t the one. Did I ever “figure out” the answer to whether he WAS the one? Nope. And I’ll probably never know because there is literally no way to know that for sure. Did I get my answers to all the other million intrusive thoughts? Nope. Do I still have days with those thoughts? Yep, but they don’t bother me as much. Learning to manage my ROCD has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life and this is coming from someone who went to medical school and pronounces people dead very frequently. But I’m here to tell you that you can get through it. It is hard as hell, but it’s doable. I promise you that I felt every emotion, physical sensation and had every thought you may have had. But you can do it. I really didn’t think I would ever get out of it, but I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it. I will never know if my husband is “the one” based on some unknown number of factors, but he is the one that I choose for me. Today, our relationship is much stronger and deeper than it would have been had we not dealt with ROCD together. This experience has been so difficult, but ultimately I’m grateful for it as it has opened me up to a love I didn’t know could exist. To anyone who may need help/support, feel free to message me. I am in no way a therapist and cannot provide what those employed by NOCD do, but can definitely provide support and compassion. You are not alone. Please get help from a trained OCD specialist. OCD does not have to be a life sentence.

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (sorry)! Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and are managing their OCD symptoms well. I have a question concerning SO-OCD and ROCD. A little background first: I developed SO-OCD (have been to therapy here at NOCD and therapist says I meet criteria for OCD and SAD so far) I can't really pinpoint when exactly this developed, but it seemed to have happened when I got depressed, lost interest in sex, then convinced myself that I lost interest in sex because I must be gay despite the rational part of my brain knowing that I haven't desired to be with the same-sex before. It spiraled into heavy rumination, obsessive thoughts and then avoidance. My long-term relationship ended (got cheated on) and that sent me down even further. I've always had low self-esteem, but this killed any semblance I had left. I couldn't sleep, had persistent anxiety, and just felt like my brain exploded from the shock of it all. It's been around 2 years since this ramped up, and it has felt like absolute hell on earth. Lately, my SO-OCD seems to not be triggered so heavily (not getting as highly anxious of the thoughts, and have noticed the thoughts slowing down in overall frequency and have been able to dismiss them easier than before), but I think I have started taking a liking to a gal the past few months, but don't trust my sense of feelings anymore. Some examples: 1) I think I have felt butterflies? But not sure if it is or just anxiety. 2) I am terrified of getting intimate or sexual (fear of embarrassment, or perhaps my "member" not working when the time comes) despite thinking about getting intimate with this lady. 3) Doubting that I actually have feelings toward her (thinking that maybe I'm just trying to force the relationship because I don't want the OCD to be true). Has anyone dealt with this with similar themes? It feels like my SO-OCD has kind of merged with ROCD or transitioning from one to the other. I have a tendency now to expect arousal from every close interaction with a potential partner and if it doesn't happen (like if we give each other a hug after work) then I doubt my attraction despite having been aroused simply by touch previously. I know it sounds goofy, but I think about it every-single-time ("welp, i wasnt aroused that time. I must not be attracted to her!"). It's all a lot to handle when trying to navigate a potential relationship and fear I'll never overcome this intense anxiety to sex/intimacy. So I avoid getting too close or putting myself in situations where these things could occur. Thank you if you've made it this far. This was tough to put out there, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. Again, I hope all is well for everyone and stay strong out there.

First time posting! My therapist recommended that I give this app a look. Hopefully this isn’t too much to read and a another trigger warning for anyone sensitive to SA and sexual themes (straight and gay). Anyways I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he is my first. During the first year we were together, I actually got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. Was on meds for both but stopped because I didn’t want to be reliant on meds and wanted to overcome them without it. The OCD started off with ROCD. I constantly had thoughts about cheating on him and leaving him because “I’m not his type” or he only got with me because he’s desperate. I freak out sometimes when he looks at my phone because I think that I downloaded a dating app and a notification will pop up. I would constantly ask for reassurance from him and make sure he loved me for who I am. I constantly felt guilty and had anxiety attacks whenever the thoughts came in. The thoughts deceive me into thinking that I’m unhappy with the relationship and that it’s doomed to end. Then it evolved into SO-OCD. A quick backstory was that I always and only had crushes on boys up until college. I went to an art school where most of not all of the girls were part of the LGBT+. I think that influenced me to be more “open” with my sexuality. I had a friend who was a girl who I “developed” a crush on. I’m pretty sure it was because I liked the attention and being influenced by a lot of my friends. What makes me think it was just because of attention was that I never thought about the sexual part. I was very lonely and craved any amount of attention and I was desperately wanting to be loved. I never dated anyone in my life and it showed. I even confessed but she rejected me. Later I was constantly sexualized by who I thought were my friends. I was even molested and groped by a girl while I was drunk and high and was about to pass out. Ever since then I’ve been very cautious around female friends especially if I’ve been drinking. When I was confident enough to go on dating apps I only put interested in men since I was sure I am straight. My SO-OCD makes me not trust the women in my life and not to get close to any female. I have thoughts that I am a lesbian in denial and that I am lying to everyone around me. That I’m leading my boyfriend on and that I should be with a women. Looking at myself in the mirror and imagining a lesbian lifestyle. When I try on certain clothes or get my hair done I think “I look so gay” or “I should get a pixie cut or shave my head so I look more gay”. (I’m sorry if that part offends anyone i’m just repeating my thoughts). I have detailed visions in my head of my having sex with women even though the thought repulses me. I get triggered from looking at a gay couple or even having conversations with a woman in the store. I constantly think that I should ask them out even though I have a boyfriend and I’m not really interested. I even have thoughts of messaging my family and coming out. I feel so guilty looking at my boyfriend and having those thoughts cloud my mind. Recently it’s been getting so bad that I’m convinced im completely gay and that im not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t go to that college and maybe none of these thoughts would happen. I also feel that my OCD is invalidated because of my past. Like the OCD uses it as leverage to validate the intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m never going to get over this sometimes. I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing and understand boyfriend. Even though it is hard to tell him my thoughts he doesn’t judge me at all or take it personally. I feel super guilty whenever I get these thoughts because I love him to death. He means a the world to me and it kills me that I have these thoughts. Couldn’t ask for someone better to fight the OCD battle with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot and hopefully it wasn’t too much at a time. ❤️