Username: Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

POCD,FICTION OR REALITY..?

Hi everyone,this is my first time here(Female),I was kind of skeptical at the beginning,this post will probably be long and I apologize for it,I’ll try to cut the chase as much as I can, So since I was 9 I had OCD,my first intrusive thought was about harming my self and it was extremely traumatizing for a child of that age,not to mention I went trough some other kind of traumas like the fact that I was sexually molested as a kid various times by the same person and really never talked about until i became an adult I kinda got a bit over it,of course with out realizing that it would become one of triggers with ocd and one of my biggest fears of becoming one (Pedo) along with Harm OCD,I started struggling with POCD 6 years ago,it has been a struggle like no other,I have a niece who I would avoid left and right,I also have nephew and I would also avoid him but for some reason it was mainly my niece for some reason,my toughts would get the best of me for days that turn into months and months into years that I would eventually do something totally inappropriate to harm her,at some point that toughts went away and I would feel great being around her and my other nephews,last year I started going trough some other kind of stuff in my life which made fall into deep drinking and smoking weed,this year i unfortunately had a very bad episode as an a couple of months now,where I was in a very dark place with my self and I was totally intoxicated from both substances,that night my niece spend the night at my house,I was super scared because my toughts triggered at 100 + times! It was the craziest trip ever in my life! I didn’t even wanted to enter my room knowing she was there and that I could totally do something inappropriate to her or that could harm her and more because my toughts wouldn’t stop triggering me telling me”do it! You know you want to do a compulsion on her,eventually your gonna do it one day” All kind of nasty scary intrusive thoughts crossed my mind,at one point I could tell the difference of an event that I would consider a hallucination,and I got into bed totally freaked out about it because at that point my mind cannot tell the difference of if I did or not acted on the thought,I can’t really recall much of that night I only somewhat remember getting up from bed(if it was even real) and getting close to her,that’s where my mind turn blank,I don’t know if it was because I went to shock,either my memory suppressed or in reality nothing happened,I totally blacked out and only remember bit to pieces and one of those was when she worked up totally freaked out! Asking for my sister and I told her she wasent here and she just went back to bed,that made me freaked out even more thinking “did I do something to her and can’t recall that moment cause I’m blacking out ?!” And then my next thought was”omg I did do something to her!” All that night I remember going to bed with an extreme anxiety,Hangxiety and extreme paranoia,I was in sweat and all night just thinking “she’s gonna say I did something to her,if I did something to her she’s totally going to say it!” Next morning she woke up just fine like nothing when I’m the one suffering in guilt and disgusted of my self and extreme fear to the point I been wanting to harm my own self because I can’t bare with the idea that I did something to her! I had to vent to a couple of family member and a few of my friends,everyone keeps telling me that out of logic if I “would’ve acted on the tought” she would’ve felt something or woke up but I’m not convinced at all by that,what if she was deep asleep and didn’t feel anything,what if I did do something and I just don’t want to accept it!? My worst fear has become my nightmare alive! Please help ! Has anyone experience this of any kind,I don’t judge I just want to be helped

Username: Xyz_2Xyz_2

Date posted: 37w ago

You must be responsable for your actions against yourself. Stop weed, stop drinking, and you’ll start healing.

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

@Xyz_2 Yes I definitely stopped all that specially since that’s what I did 3 years ago,I was absolutely clean from weed and the drinking and I was in a very good place,I notice that substances trigger my OCD and anxiety way much more than usual,is that normal?

Username: ToshiToshi

Date posted: 37w ago

I experience this a lot too, and also with thoughts of violence / domestic violence and can’t always recall if I did it or not. A big thing for me that’s been helpful is truly being curious and thinking to myself if that is who I am to my core, which I know it’s not and a big reason for my ocd around that is because of the harm people would do to me and then say that I did it to them, when I always knew I didn’t do it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds terrifying but I empathize so much, as having experienced something similar

Username: PanikinSkywalkerPanikinSkywa...

Date posted: 37w ago

Sounds like textbook POCD and false memory OCD is a thing too. Seems like that may have been what happened but the fact that you could never be certain is what seems to be eating at you. You have to learn to get comfortable with uncertainty. That’s the first step

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

@PanikinSkywalker Yes, and I am not good at all with uncertainty, that’s been another one of my other triggers, i’ve always been the kind of person that I actually have to get reassurance or certainty about situations in my life, in this case, I obviously have to let go because theirs no way of actually knowing for sure but just the toughts of the “What if..” kinda thing it’s what’s driving me insane and that’s what brought me here and also to look for help

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 37w ago

I had this at one point with my niece, I'd had POCD for a while and then my sister visited, they stayed with us. My niece was around 3 at the time and I remember my sister asked if I would take her to the toilet. I was 18 at the time and nervous as I'd never taken a 3 year old to the toilet before. She started crying because the seat was too big and for ages after I kept thinking maybe she wasn't comfortable with me because of my POCD. Then at a different time my symptoms had subsided and I felt more comfortable and I hugged her but she pulled away from me wide eyed. I obsessed over that because again I thought I'd done something wrong. It's really hard and I feel for you.

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

@Anonymous Yeah,the thing here is that my niece is super attached to me,she loves me very much as I love her,but the fact of me thinking that I could’ve done something to her or probably did makes me feel so guilty and not being able to be in peace with my self,everyone keeps feeling that out of logic if I would’ve done something it would’ve been known already but I don’t know my mind keeps telling me one thing and the only part I remember is actually being in my bed on phone when she woke up scared but I’m not able to 100% remember what actually happened before that,I just remember having this big time feeling of guilt and fear,it must’ve been cause I did something right? And that has been torment for me cause I never wanted to harm any of the kids around my family,I always been the lovable and playful auntie but that night my thoughts were extremely loud I can actually hear them if you know what I mean

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 37w ago

@Lunah30 I genuinely don't think you did anything. I'm giving reassurance here which is not advised but that's what I think. I think your niece could've woken up scared for any reason. A nightmare?

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

@Anonymous She usually wakes up all night, moving around tossing and turning, and she always talks in her sleep, and that’s regardless of But what has me more tormented here? Is that like I said, I can’t exactly remember the moment I went up to her but then I remember just being in my bed on my phone. I guess watching some videos or listening to music and I couldn’t stop having this feeling of shame and guilt and all I could think about in my head was she’s gonna say I did something to her, or if I did something to her, she’s probably gonna say it, and it was this immense guilt of discussed and the fear as in if I would’ve done something to her, and I hate more the fact that I can’t exactly remember what, maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t but that’s something that day. I can’t figure it out or I just want to accept it., I appreciate the support and the reassurance, trust me a lot of my friends, including some of my family members tell me that out of logic if something would’ve happened, she would’ve felt dead and woken up in that very moment, but who knows and that’s what’s tormenting me to the point that it was pushing me to do compulsions on her and I don’t wanna do that, because now it’s making me feel sick and I don’t wanna do anything that could possibly harm her or traumatize her the way I am already

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 37w ago

@Lunah30 I understand. This is cold comfort but if, and it's a very big if, you did anything at all then you will know eventually. I honestly don't think you did. My POCD has moved on to now being worried people around me are pedophiles. I still get some intrusive thought about myself but I've been completely consumed by the fact my partner might be. It's truly awful. Sending you healing.

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

@Anonymous Exactly, the big if it’s what’s consuming me from two months now, I just can’t bear with the idea that if I did something like that is totally unforgivable, trust me I don’t have the idea or even feel attractive to any children at all if anything that’s been my fear of my whole life because of what was done to me,now, I will tell you this about myself. I’m a very curious person and the meaning that it intrigued me and torment me to find out what these kind of people think or feel by doing something like that so that was my tournament that night my head kept on spinning telling me to do a compulsion that way I might be able to find out what goes through their mind, I pray to God every day to help me heal, and accept what happened or maybe what it didn’t. I’m trying to practice uncertainty at this point, but it hasn’t been very easy, still I thank you for the support and I sent you healing as well. I’m glad I was able to find a community that understands me.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 37w ago

@Lunah30 I understand 100%. It's no coincidence how we've both had experiences of it and now we both fear it. I'm sure there's a direct link.

Username: Lunah30Lunah30

Date posted: 37w ago

Yes,it is absolutely scary to even think about it,worst part of it that false memories absolutely do not help! Because I have tought about every scenario possible and it drives me crazy to think”I probably did this,or that!” And then is…ALL OF THE ABOVE! As I said,I was intoxicated and I can’t really recall the memory 100%, The only thing that somewhat makes me feel a bit better is to think”well if it happens it happens and im sure if I acted on it it’s out of trauma and self doubt and compulsion(which it’s my main thing,to reassure my self I’m not a pedo)but then I feel totally guilty and disgusted to even be alive,I’m trying to seek help as much possible for this situation.

Username: Hollow99

Date posted: 4y ago

Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.

Username: riiii

Date posted: 3y ago

Hello everyone this is my first time writing on here and I’m really scared to even say something because I have never had proper help with ocd or been diagnosed but I’ve been dealing with severe ocd since 2017 now. I just want to get better but it feels like there is no way out at times. My most common are sexual thoughts or pocd or ocd related to my family, sexual or harm. Yesterday my niece was at my house and I adore her to bits but over the past year I’ve become very distant with her and I don’t like hugging her or touching her or just being close to her. It makes my heart break because she is everything to me and I have to push her away when she comes to hug me. Yesterday I tried to get over it and play with her again so I hugged her and sat by her side with my head on her shoulder but a sudden urge came into my mind and it was so disgusting. I kept thinking I would touch her inappropriately or without her consent and that thoughts just took over my mind. This will sound so stupid but my thumb or fist was on her back and I had a thought that it was wrong to touch her so I pulled away but the thoughts came rushing back and I let my fist be placed in that same position again. I feel so disgusted I know it’s nothing and this sounds completely insane but I feel like I’ve done something disgusting and touched her in a inappropriate way and I havent been able to get over it because it feels like I let the thoughts win and they made me do it? What if it isn’t ocd? I’m feeling like I just can’t get through the night please tell me if real event ocd happens to you guys and how to deal with it? Is this ocd or am I just this disgusting person who did something to her? I keep replaying the moment in my head but all of it is fuzzy and I can rationalize it. I just feel disgusting.

Username: Eraseandrewind1

Date posted: 26w ago

Don't know what to believe

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

POCD,FICTION OR REALITY..?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community