Is it worth it even if you’re event or false memory and what if thoughts are truly horrible? I’m scared to go through recovery and then later be faced with the truth and that truth is the worst possible outcome that I had been fearing. I can’t imagine feeling “recovered” and then sometime in the future turns out I AM a monster.
Nah you good just start recovery
It's absolutely worth it. Whatever MIGHT have happened, whatever thing you MIGHT have done, or whatever thing you MIGHT do some day...those are only parts of a whole. Even if it's something terrible, think of it like, "I might have done a terrible thing," rather than, "I might BE a terrible person." We humans are complex, ever-changing creatures. We do good things, we do bad things. Some people do really good things, some people do really bad things. Even those that do the worst things are capable of changing their ways under the right conditions, in the same way that people who do the best things can end up doing something terrible under the wrong conditions. Those of us with OCD gravitate towards black-and-white thinking, but that's just not an accurate model of the world. Focus on who you are in this present moment. Not who you might have been, not who you might end up being. Just be right here. If one day, something comes to light that definitively proves you've done something against your moral code, then you can deal with it. Until then, the ONLY thing you can do is continue to lead a life that aligns with your values, full of integrity, compassion, and good intentions. You deserve recovery.
@djflorio Thank you so much for this it was really insightful and encouraging. Thinking about the future is terrifying especially when there are so many possible outcomes but hopefully I can get to a place where what matters is the present. Right now it feels like I’m lying to everyone…really hard to accept uncertainty about both the past and future. However I do think I’ll go through with recovery even if just for a sense of clarity.
@mon12 - Glad I could help :) Yes it's a very hard thing to do. We humans are always living in the past and worrying about the future. Staying in the present is hard, because that's where all the icky feelings are. But the more you practice it, the easier it becomes, and the clearer things will be. I understand that feeling, the one where you feel like people wouldn't accept you if they knew the "real" you (whatever that is !). But again, just focus on your present actions. Regardless of what might have happened, if you help an old lady cross the street, you aren't lying about helping her. If you support a friend in distress, you aren't lying about supporting them. If you are kind to someone, you aren't lying about being kind to them. You ARE being kind to them, full stop.
@djflorio I’ll be bookmarking your responses thank you so much! I also see your a coder so it’s nice to relate to another fellow coder in some way. Although I haven’t coded in so long due to this.. I really appreciate your help and will keep everything you said in mind. I’m gonna try to internalize that I’ll never be able to 100% recall the past and that my thoughts don’t predict the future either. Only thing that can be done is to be in the moment.
Does anyone else experience a moment of clarity where you feel strong relief that the intrusive thought isn’t true, only to then immediately start questioning if you’ve only convinced yourself that because you don’t want the thought to be true? I’m pretty confident it would take some crazy mental gymnastics to actually successfully convince myself I didn’t do something that I deep down knew I did, but every time I resist the compulsions and try to sit with the uncertainty or tell myself to think about what is logical, I usually briefly know that this probably didn’t happen but am unable to move on out of fear I’m just in denial and have convinced myself of that.
Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️
How do you know the difference :( I genuinely cannot keep living in this torment. it all started with an ‘intrusive thought’ where I had like a hazy flash of something reading an article. and I remember thinking ‘what if’ and ‘what is this’ and then that intrusive thought turned into me ‘remembering’ something else. which caused me panic. then I started trying to find evidence because it contradicted what I remembered this entire time. this was last year in like september. fast forward to march this year, it came back up- but this time stronger and with more ‘details’ and what nots. and I’ve been ruminating on it since then trying to remember and connect and It’s like I’ve added all of these details. but are they real? or is this just my OCD? I just feel like if it were real I would have never been able to keep it to myself. but also what if it was so traumatic that I blocked it out? because it all makes NO sense for me to do something like that. but it also fits what I was thinking at the time. idk
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