OCD spiral

TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

First my credit card fell on the floor at the coffee shop. I managed to pick it up with gloves, clean it with wet wipes and put it back in my wallet (usually I would try to wash it, but managed to just wipe and put away). Then as ai was throwing away the wipes and gloves, my glasses fell out of my bag, onto the floor. They were in the case so I ended up dumping the glasses on the table and discarding the case (but later found my good case that I've been looking for in my car since last year 😁). I later decided to get rid of the 3 bags of garbage sitting on my counter, went outside, and of course it was raining. I continued to the dumpster, and tried to throw it from a distance. One bag hit the dumpster, while the other 2 went in. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I picked up the bag and threw it in (despite that it felt extra contaminated), and removed the gloves I had on. I continued to enter my apartment and touch stuff (even though it was raining and water that was on my contaminated gloves could have gotten on me). I continued then to go clean my bathtub/shower/shower curtain. Right now I'm trying very hard not to start avoiding touching things and still working a bit about contamination in my apartment (I have chain type contamination OCD that is disgust based, not getting sick based). I hate this😭

lately i’ve been having pretty bad ocd days but today was definitely one of my worst days. i just feel like such an awful person and the ocd is really eating at me. i try really hard, or i feel like i do sometimes. i try to talk to my mom and she says she understands but she doesn’t- and i hate it. i can’t even get dressed in certain clothing or watch a show i like anymore without ocd interfering. my mind is all over the place and i feel so helpless. i just wish it’d stop.