New Here and unsure

Hello guys I just got recently diagnosed with OCD last year along with anxiety I've had since the day I can remember. And with MDD which I've figured for awhile I had but never got diagnosed for it till last year in November. Just to summarize with what I have I guess. Anyways I've struggled with Harm Ocd mainly, it's only really been that along with contamination and just little other themes but never been main ones. More so the first one I said. But recently I've had a new main theme I guess I could say and it's POCD I think, if that's what I have or if I'm potentially am one, I'm just not sure. So about a month ish ago I started just thinking about ages and stuff and like idk I guess I was just thinking, and then I remember thinking about how I thought my younger brothers friend was cute but not in a sexual way just like a oh he's cute. And I have a boyfriend and I told him all of this already just a fyi. But it's because I noticed he had really nice eyes and the first thing I notice in people are eyes. So one day I did ask him if they were contacts because it did seem a bit like sus haha, but anyways my brother said they were and I was like I knew it. But now been thinking like I can't be finding someone younger than me cute or attractive. I'm 22 and he's 4 years younger than me. But I guess to get straight to the point I've just been overthinking a lot and now when I see people underage or teens and so on I did get nervous looking at them especially at work or just in public places. Or if I saw a younger person than me, for example had nice hair I would think oh wow he has nice hair but then I'll start like looking at them more and I guess almost testing myself to see if I'm attracted and so on. And I'd covience myself I am. At least that's what I think. But I did tell my boyfriend all of this and he told me he thinks it's me just noticing attractive features but not in a sexual way. Like if someone underage had really nice eyes or like cute freckles or something that's a "normal" thing but he thinks I'm taking it to the extreme. I can't really quite explain it well by what he means but hopefully it makes sense. And I've always been attracted to people my age or older like celebs and stuff. I remember a few years ago when I was 18 there was a new movie that came out and I thought the guy was cute, and I watched it over and over cause I did like the movie too. But I remember I was looking up the cast after watching it like 5 times that week, and I saw he was 17 or 16 turned 17, and I was like nope he's too young for me. And it sounds stupid but I was never really into people 1 year younger than me before. And ironically my bf is like 10 months younger than me but he looks older and people always think he's 26. So I guess I'm just kinda confused, like now there's a family friend we have, not that close but fb friends type of thing with my mom. And her kid has cancer now, and he's like maybe 8 or 9, but I looked at the pic and was like that sucks you know. Just found out last night too. And then I went to see if she posted any updates about him, but it was the same pic and I was like looking at him and I was like oh he's cute, like a cute kid and then I was like dang, he looks like his dad A LOT. Because he grew a bit compare to the last time I saw him. Ugh even typing this is making me sound like a creep. But like I was saying I was just like dang he looks like his dad a lot and I use to think my family friends dad was cute haha but like I said not in a desire way, like even my mom thought he was cute and my best friend too haha. But I did went through her fb to look at her pics and I would see him in every pic and I just would keep checking if I'm attracted to him or not and so on and it just confuses me because I'm like I use to think his dad was a handsome looking dude and now his kid really looks like him. So now I'm thinking like maybe I am, and like idk just disturbing thoughts pop up. And I will say before those thoughts came up, I was telling my mom we should make a superhero basket for him with toys and fun stuff to cheer up the family and him. And all those thoughts came after that. So honestly I'm just at a lost. I just can't tell if I am or not or if I'm a danger to underage teens and kids. I just feel very disentitize to all of this now too, like I said a month ago I was pretty like stressed out and worried and just overthink and cry here and there because I was like nope it can't be. But now I just feel numb and like I just feel like I don't care anymore, sometimes it'll come up and I'm like I just don't care about this anymore and move on. Or if I'm like oh he was cute or attractive or had a nice smile it just doesn't give me anxiety anymore it just like oh well. Like I don't know and my Depression comes in episodes every other few weeks so I do get emotionally numb sometimes. I guess what I wanna say is sometimes I think I'll be a predator or a groomer and I just get worried it will happen but right now I don't feel much. But like before I'd worry about it and stuff. And I just don't know what to do, and if I am, like I don't know I just feel lost and confused. And I'm asexual too, so that probably explains why I never see anyone and think sexual things with them, even with Adults. And here's the main thing too. I've been through SA trauma when I was younger for a bit. And growing up I always hated those types of people and stuff, like I always told myself I'd protect kids etc. And even considered being a CPS too throughout my life. Like I don't know I've always wanted to help out those in need. But I remember reading something about how a "P" people were victims of that so that's why they are the way they are. And I know a lot of them don't do that. But it just makes me think since I went though it maybe I'll be one too. And be a hypocrite to everything I've told myself growing up. So sometimes I think I'm just messed up in the head now, I really think having the Harm ocd type was so much easier because I'd just avoid certain objects and stuff. But this is just different and I will say about a week ago I did feel digusted because I was like if this is what I am, like why? Like sometimes I just think maybe I want to and so on etc. The Harm ocd theme I had was completely different than this, like I was afraid to do anything or even use scissors to cut a tag off my shirt and intrusive thoughts would kick in. I even stopped seeing my Bf for awhile because i thought I was gonna hurt him and so on .So this one has been tricky and such. I'm just confused. And I know you're not supposed to reassure on here because of OCD, I just needed to vent. And I wanted to ask for suggestions on where to get help or how to go about this? I've been wanting to talk to my mom about this because she has been there for me when all this ocd stuff happened last year but I'm just afraid to. It's been a Rollercoaster for the past 2 Years since I've been dealing with medical issues that causes me to use mobility aids and stuff. So I've just been in a deep tunnel and I'd just like to talk to someone or get advice on where to get help for this. Or who to talk to. I've been afraid to post on here because this subject is tricky. But I just needed to express what's been going on in my mind. Obviously there's a lot more to it but this is what's been on my mind today. I'm sorry it's a long message, but thank you to anyone who responds.

Jman02

Date posted: 1y

These are intrusive thoughts. In order to combat these thoughts you have to expose yourself to the intrusive thoughts and live with the uncertainty of those thoughts, no matter how gross and vile they might be. Eventually you'll brain will stop caring and you will move on with your life.

Jman02

Date posted: 1y

Since you are new here, I'll also post a link to my take on exposure response therapy https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/1876009

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

My Story TW: grooming, pedohilia

Hello, I've struggled with possible OCD but it didn't involved POCD at first, at first it was basically me denying that I was ever a victim of grooming/pedophilia and how I was the real abuser towards my abusers despite the fact that I was the child, they were the adult, how is that possible??. Then eventually in 2023, I saw a video based on a FNF modder exposing him as a groomer/pedophile, and it was because when he was 17 he allegedly had an interaction with someone who was 15 that was nsfw. Now keep in mind, I was a victim of grooming/pedophilia especially since age 11 and even at 17, however I was also a bit of a promiscuous teen due to years of being groomed and I was having nsfw discussions/heavily sex positive convos with people who were 15/16/17 at 17 and I never considered how that could be inappropriate and my intent wasn't to be predatory but the fact that I was just simply exploring my sexuality, also a lot of the people I was doing this with, we were apart of a discord server that heavily encouraged NSFW convos between Teens and adults and it was made by an adult so bad environment overall made by an actual predator. However it didn't stop me in 2023 thinking that I was a pedophile as a teenager and I was genuinely worried and thought that I was a terrible person and I still do. I only did what I did because I was being hurt and thought it was okay, I never meant to hurt anyone and I at 19 literally convinced myself that I was a pedo in my under 18 teen years because of the age gap between me and my friends {1/2 years} and we had conversations that were sexual based even though I at 19 was dating my BF who was 22/23 at the time, I was 19 having sexual convos with adults, I at 19 had friends that were minors and our conversations were always appropriate and never nsfw or those same friends that I had previous convos with that were nsfw, {they were all either 17/18/19 and I was 19} our conversation topics have switched to more SFW ones unlike the ones we had when we were all minors so how could I be a pedo? and I freaked out about it, I couldn't concentrate in classes at all, it was a genuine nightmare. Eventually I did get better and realized that my behaviors were under duress and how I'm not actually a bad person and how I've changed as an adult and do not wish to harm anyone however I'm back on my cycle of worrying again and I've communicated to the people who I thought I affected and they all express no ill will or any anger and were never uncomfortable, do not think about it or just don't care/simply forgot. But Guilt eats me up like a stray dog. I also sometimes see people on twitter calling 17 year olds dating 15 or 16 year olds pedophiles or calling them "P diddy"

Ocd is horri...

Date posted: 13w

Help I’m loosing hope

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

Shaodidi

Date posted: 12w

Pocd??

So I was never diagnosed with pocd but many ppl said that I have it and my therapist also said that I have ocd, I’ve recently been getting these thoughts and feelings of attraction towards kids, idk if it’s real attraction or not, but I worry that it’s true attraction because I don’t feel panic and anxiety towards those thoughts and feelings anymore, I used to feel that, but I also never felt shame or guilt for those thoughts and feelings. I also can’t tell if I want those thoughts and feelings or not. When I get those thoughts and feelings, I tell myself “I can’t be attracted to kids” and “being attracted to kids is bad” and “I wouldn’t like kids”. The main thing is I can tell if I am attracted to the kids or not, I feel like I want to know, but I also don’t know if I want to be attracted to kids or not, yet the attraction feeling feels so genuine, I can’t tell if it’s false or not, I try to compare my attraction towards a girl my age to the feelings I get when I see the kids. I’m also under the age of 16, and I’ve heard that people under the age of 16 are at risk of developing p#dophilia, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become a pedo. But I can’t tell what I want anymore, I can’t tell if my feelings intrusive or not. Even though some people said that I have “textbook ocd” I still don’t believe it. These feelings and thoughts, I just don’t understand if I want and like them or not, idk if I WANT to like or want them. I also lied on 2 questions for the ocd diagnosis about liking the thoughts which I don’t know if I do or not, I said that I think I don’t when in reality I don’t know if I do or not. And the second question where I said I don’t feel aroused even though sometimes I do, idk why I get aroused for that stuff, idk if I want to be aroused or if I don’t want to be aroused. Can someone give me advice pls? ANT to like or want them. I also lied on 2 questions for the ocd diagnosis about liking the thoughts which I don’t know if I do or not, I said that I think I don’t when in reality I don’t know if I do or not. And the second question where I said I don’t feel aroused even though sometimes I do, idk why I get aroused for that stuff, idk if I want to be aroused or if I don’t want to be aroused. I also used to watch p#rn a lot, I was exposed to it at a young age cause I was a stupid ass kid once, I got addicted to it and watched it every day, when all of these feelings and thoughts started, I completely stopped watching p#rn which fixed that, but now I’m worried it was a sign of something bad because I heard that early porn exposure creates mental issues and stuff, so I don’t know if I have pocd or actual pedophilia anymore. I’m also currently tryin to get a relationship with a girl my age. Can someone give me advice on all of this pls? Idk what all of this means anymore :( (edited) I also keep getting thoughts of kids and I’m worried I’m attracted to a specific part of them, because most of the thoughts include that specific part of the kid. Im also attracted to that specific part on adults, but I’m worried that it’s a sign I’m a pedo because it manifests on the thoughts of kids

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