hand washing

i made a similar post, but I didn’t really get helpful responses. also I’m not diagnosed and can’t get diagnosed , but the past two days I’ve been spiraling and I have constant anxiety. I feel contaminated and like I keep having actions replay in my head and I see images of terrible things and I just feel gross. also like I can’t do anything alone or else I’m afraid that I might end up doing something wrong. so then every action I do has to be in from of other people so I can make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. any time I’m alone and I go about my day later on I always get these thoughts and what I’m pretty sure is false event ocd and I’m stressing so much.

I have this same problem repeatedly where I see things online about faking OCD and people talking about how OCD isn’t just cleaning and it makes me feel like I’m faking it and it’s pretty much its own theme now. I have a handwashing problem and since it’s so heavily stigmatized as faking I never do it when others are watching because then I feel like I’m seeking attention. Pretty much all of my visible compulsions I do are behind closed doors or on my own and I can’t do anything about it because if I try to show somebody then I’m attention seeking and faking. If I try to talk about the fear then I’m also attention seeking because now I’m guilt tripping and seeking sympathy and therefore I shouldn’t tell anyone and I shouldn’t show anyone. I’m essentially hiding an entire mental illness because of this, the only person I’ve ever really told about my issues is my therapist, nobody else feels safe.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.