- Date posted
- 1y
Struggling with associations (POCD+REOCD - 21+)
If someone could please read and respond to this, it would mean the world to me. I’m struggling a lot with a POCD obsession related to one of my favorite hobbies. Around 4 years ago, I sent someone I shouldn’t have a picture of me doing the splits (in a pair of short shorts). I was 20 years old when I sent this, and my intention with it was for them to think I was hot and to tell me so. I also sent them a video of me dancing (pretty suggestively, also in shorts). I was in a relationship at the time and this behavior was incredibly unfaithful (and not the only unfaithful behavior I displayed at the time). I know the infidelity is the largest issue (and trust me, I’ve been struggling with it for 4 years), but my current obsession is that I was 20 in the video I sent, but only 16 (maybe 17, but I think 16) in the splits photo I sent. And I sent it so someone in their late twenties. I’m not sure if I realized how wrong it was at the time, but I feel like a monster for sending an underage photo of myself to someone for attention (on top of being unfaithful). I was 20, I should have known and done better. I am still with the same person I betrayed, and I am so incredibly lucky to have been forgiven. I’ve confessed every part of these (and other related) events, and she insists that it’s my OCD making these connections. She has moved on long ago, and she wants me to move on as well. The POCD part of this has been haunting me for a few weeks. I know the infidelity part is what I should be most worried about, but I just recently picked up dance again and it has triggered this association. I just got done with my first class after a nearly 7 year hiatus, and I had the absolute time of my life. But now all I can think of is that association of me sending these (dance related) things to someone I shouldn’t have. And one of these things was an underage photo of me. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to continue to dance. I know that my main focus should be the infidelity part of this. And trust me, this aspect of it is an ever present part of my conscious mind that I will never forgive myself for. But I can’t even take a break from my mind with my favorite hobby, because I’ve ruined it with associations of infidelity and POCD. I’m so tired of ruining everything I love.