Struggling with associations (POCD+REOCD - 21+)

If someone could please read and respond to this, it would mean the world to me. I’m struggling a lot with a POCD obsession related to one of my favorite hobbies. Around 4 years ago, I sent someone I shouldn’t have a picture of me doing the splits (in a pair of short shorts). I was 20 years old when I sent this, and my intention with it was for them to think I was hot and to tell me so. I also sent them a video of me dancing (pretty suggestively, also in shorts). I was in a relationship at the time and this behavior was incredibly unfaithful (and not the only unfaithful behavior I displayed at the time). I know the infidelity is the largest issue (and trust me, I’ve been struggling with it for 4 years), but my current obsession is that I was 20 in the video I sent, but only 16 (maybe 17, but I think 16) in the splits photo I sent. And I sent it so someone in their late twenties. I’m not sure if I realized how wrong it was at the time, but I feel like a monster for sending an underage photo of myself to someone for attention (on top of being unfaithful). I was 20, I should have known and done better. I am still with the same person I betrayed, and I am so incredibly lucky to have been forgiven. I’ve confessed every part of these (and other related) events, and she insists that it’s my OCD making these connections. She has moved on long ago, and she wants me to move on as well. The POCD part of this has been haunting me for a few weeks. I know the infidelity part is what I should be most worried about, but I just recently picked up dance again and it has triggered this association. I just got done with my first class after a nearly 7 year hiatus, and I had the absolute time of my life. But now all I can think of is that association of me sending these (dance related) things to someone I shouldn’t have. And one of these things was an underage photo of me. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to continue to dance. I know that my main focus should be the infidelity part of this. And trust me, this aspect of it is an ever present part of my conscious mind that I will never forgive myself for. But I can’t even take a break from my mind with my favorite hobby, because I’ve ruined it with associations of infidelity and POCD. I’m so tired of ruining everything I love.

Pronged_ping

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with the POCD thoughts. I understand the struggle with battling constant rumination of an event that happened in your past. Which is something OCD doesn’t want you to move on from. OCD is trying to strip you of your joys from being in a relationship and starting to dance again. Really lean in to the thoughts and tell OCD *maybe it did happen maybe it didn’t, I don’t know. But I’m going to carry on with my day and my joy* And some days it super hard to say that to OCD and other days it won’t it’s just the nature of the disorder. Know you aren’t alone in this and you have a full community behind you ❤️‍🩹 if you are in therapy I would suggest reaching out to your therapist with what you are addressing on the message board. We believe in you ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Lulu~

Date posted: 23w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

danielllll

Date posted: 22w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9w

my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

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Struggling with associations (POCD+REOCD - 21+)

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