I wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow

I'll be 31 this year and I'm such a complete failure as a human being. I just had a breakdown over doing dishes. I have four specific cups that I use and normally I try to wash all of them at once, it really reassures me knowing I have three backup cups in case the one I'm using gets "dirty". Lately, though, I've only been able to wash one at a time and that causes a lot of stress only having one usable cup because if it gets dirty I have to spend the next half hour washing it, my hands, etc. Well tonight my cup got "dirty" and I thought everyone was asleep so I thought I'd try to wash them all. I don't like doing it when people are awake because it takes so long, I have to do it in a specific way and I'm embarrassed by it all. So I started and I was really struggling. I kept having to rewash and rewash because the bubbles just wouldn't go away and then my mom came into the kitchen and we were talking. My anxiety spiked because I was afraid she'd mention how long I'm taking or try to rearrange my cups or touch my arm and I just felt like a horrible person thinking these tboughts when all she's doing is talking to me but it just makes an already really stressful situation even more so. Then she left. I got two done, so I was half way through and then I thought the next cup was clean and I put it into the stack of clean ones but then I noticed it still had bubbles and now I had to start all the way over again. I wanted to cry and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just wanted to be done and get something to drink and lay down. I tried starting over but my mom came back and I just couldn't deal with it so I quit and she smiled at me and said "finally done?" She knows and tries to understand how much I struggle and tries her best to help me and I love her so much for that and I'm so awful for feeling more anxious around her and having thoughts of just wanting to be left alone. She looked so proud of me, thinking I finally got done with my stupid little task and I just couldn't handle knowing how much of a disappointment I am and I started crying. She hugged me and offered to clean my cups for me and I wish I could let her but I can't. My OCD won't let me. Only I can clean my cups. My OCD isolates me and makes me feel so alone. I need help but I can't have any. And just facing the realization that I'm having a breakdown at 1am in the kitchen over not being able to clean cups properly just made me want to die so bad. Every little victory I have doesn't mean anything because I'll never get better. I lost so much time, I'm old and I don't know how to be an adult or take care of myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself.

Username: OCDFamilyOCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 34w ago

There is hope for you to beat ocd. What have you tried so far?

Username: SadstressedgirlSadstressedgirl

Date posted: 34w ago

Everything short of therapy and medication because I can't afford either. I've tried basically everything else though, like exposure and breathing techniques and meditation sort of, just a lot

Username: JediMJJediMJ

Date posted: 34w ago

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Thanks for sharing your struggle. You express yourself really well—I feel the depth of your suffering. I know I struggle more in the darkness. When the sun comes up, I often feel better. I hope you wake up feeling a little better. What can you do today to help yourself? I had to learn to be my own best friend, to be kind and gentle with myself. You’re a good writer. Maybe write a kind letter to yourself. Also, I’m not a therapist or anything. I’m just another human who is imperfect and has their own suffering. And I truly want you to feel better, to not hate yourself. I spent many years hating myself. It’s terrible. People have gotten significantly better. ERP works…so I’m told. Still early in my journey. Find a way forward. You’re worth it.

Username: SadstressedgirlSadstressedgirl

Date posted: 34w ago

That's all really sweet, thank you ❤️ writing a letter to myself sounds interesting, I'll try that, I've made a lot of progress in not hating myself but somethings still linger

Username: AnonymousPotatoAnonymousPotato

Date posted: 34w ago

I know it seems hopeless. I’ve been exactly in that spot. Thinking I’ll never escape. It’ll never get better. I was as hopeless as one can be, and I wish no human ever experienced such a feeling. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t obvious it was even happening at first. But somehow I escaped the hopelessness. And all the time I spent to get to that point, of feeling hope again, was worth it and I believe it has made me an overall more grateful and positive human being. I love these things people who haven’t been through this take for granted and I am honored to have this lens of “after hopelessness”. You can too. I know you can. I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself. There is always hope. You are taking as long as you need for this battle, do not self criticize for the length of time, this is an insanely tough battle! Please try to see if therapy or medication can help you, give it a chance for me? My heart aches to know another human being is suffering this pain I know all too intimately. Your mom wants you here. Please wake up for her if not yourself. Please wake up for the countless others I know must also care for you and love you. You should love your self, this war is not an easy thing. It’s painful and will take time, but there is hope that the war will end, here, in this life. I know it seems impossible, but somehow it’s not. I’ve seen it happen. Please have patience and kindness for yourself. Please stay here with us, my friend, your light in the world is of immeasurable value. I am just another stranger on the internet that knows this pain, but goodness, please stay here. I beg you, I know you can do this. You can beat this. And it’s okay to take as much time as you need to do it. And as many tries as you need to overcome this. Stay, my friend. It gets better in ways you don’t expect or see coming.

Username: SadstressedgirlSadstressedgirl

Date posted: 34w ago

Thank you for this reply 🥺 this is so incredibly sweet and sincere, I'm speechless

Username: AnonymousPotatoAnonymousPotato

Date posted: 34w ago

@Sadstressedgirl I hope my words were able to give you some hope and peace during this time, you got this my friend!

Username: SadstressedgirlSadstressedgirl

Date posted: 34w ago

@AnonymousPotato They definitely did, thank you ❤️

Username: OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y ago

This post is just serving as a journal entry for me, so don’t feel the need to respond, but if you do, thank you! Today was an incredibly difficult day, I have into compulsions again, I hate when I do, my brain convinces me that it’ll help me but it leaves me feeling like absolute garbage. Today was a bad day, even though my mom didn’t go to work today, which usually makes me happy because them I’m not home alone all day. She was taking care of my step dad, he had really bad heart burn last night and apparently couldn’t breathe, I think it’s called GERD, but he seems better today, but most of her attention was focused on making sure he was okay. I hate how selfish I feel, even though he actually needed help and watched today, I was still wanting to talk with my mom and have her attention. I hate OCD, I used to be able to just hangout in my room all day and not have to constantly be around my mom. But my anxiety has been flaring so much. POCD, Real Event, and False Memory are a horrible combination. I’m still terrified of what I saw weeks ago earlier in November. It’s left me mortified and scarred. No amount of reassurance has been able to help me, not from the suicide hotline, not from my mom, and not from my friends. I feel horrible and don’t know how I’m going to make until the end of the month. I just need to wait until January 1st before my insurance can cover any therapy sessions, so I have to wait. I’m looking into making a session with a general therapist just so I have someone to talk to this month. My past decisions, from when I was younger are haunting me, and again, reassurance has stopped working. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m ready to give up. But I could never put more pain into my moms heart. I wish I had someone in real life to talk to about OCD, someone who actually has it themselves and understands the pain that comes with it. I feel so alone, but I also really feel as if I don’t deserve help. I still want to isolate from the world, or banish myself from society as a whole. And as much as I know how cheesy or ridiculous that sounds, it’s the only thing that seems to make sense to me. I’m tired of compulsions, they don’t reduce my anxiety at all, maybe they did before, but now it just seems like these compulsions are self destructive and it’s my brain wanting to punish or destroy me. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, I can’t even do chores without feeling incredibly torn down and defeated, I just sit around all day ruminating, or scrolling mindlessly through social media to just distract myself, I do nothing productive. This semester is almost over, so at least that weight will be lifted a little bit. I’m just done. Hopefully tomorrow’s journal entry is a little bit more brighter or hopeful, but I doubt it. I suppose these journal entries mainly serve just to let my thoughts out, and maybe read back on them someday to remember or for whatever reason I’ll need them. I’m gonna go take out my trash bins and then get into bed, everyone is asleep right now and it’s barely about to be 10 here. I feel like such scum and waste of time.

Username: JamesMY

Date posted: 1y ago

Something has to give

Harm OCD for 30 years, Borderline Personality Disorder my entire life , major depression and caregiver burnout with harm intrusive thoughts. And an existential crisis. No way out. Feeling trapped. I have never had a goal in life. Never had any direction. At age 19 when harm OCD hit I was merely trying to keep my head above water. I didn't have the luxury of pursuing my dreams. In 2015 I broke my back. I haven't worked since 2013, despite applying for 700 jobs since then. My OCD and BPD won't let me have a gf as i don't trust women and I'm afraid to be vulnerable. My 24 year old cousin called me fat and lazy, and I know she got it from her parents who are my age. I have no money, I live at home, no car, no girl, no children, no career, no legacy. I am a ghost to most people. And on top of that I have to take care of the person I'm having harm OCD about. This is not fair. Before harm OCD I never thought of hurting anyone. Before my moms death in 2008 I could control my anger. Before the last couple of years despite it all I always had some sort of hope, but now I have nothing but a feeling that everything is meaningless. Looking back I feel that my worrying all the time about things like my parents fighting or dad drinking or mom staying out late at work with her new male friend....or worrying about world events...it was all selfish. I didn't care about others I just worried about myself. So I am evil, selfish, a failure. I'm 48 and I feel 80. I'm tired of this shit.

Username: emilytravels...

Date posted: 49w ago

Not doing great this morning

I see people living their lives and just enjoying themselves. Not taking things too seriously and not overly stressing. And then there’s me. Who stresses at the slightest thing. Whose OCD has taken massive chunks of my life that I’ll never get back. It feels like I’m going through life just terrified of my own f*cking shadow… Any small thing I have to deal with that to anyone else might just cause slight inconvenience or nervousness, causes me to have an almost complete and utter breakdown. WHY CANT I HANDLE LIFE. I am so ashamed of who I am. I want to be someone who is brave and courageous and who does things and lives life anyway, regardless of fear. But no. I avoid living because of it. Why am I even here if this is how my life is? What is the point? I’m going through it today, friends 😭

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I wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow

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