Hello all,
I donāt have insurance at the moment (lost eligibility due to me making more money, but not enough to afford medication and visits) and have been struggling a LOT. When I was going to therapy, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. I never got to expand on other mental health concerns I had and it bothers me that I canāt receive the proper advice that I need. If this is not allowed, I completely understand (and you may delete) but I figured Iād give this app a shot to get some clarification and knowledge on the topic.
I experience MANY intrusive thoughts that destabilize my relationships and daily mood. I always pitched it to be my B2D symptoms, but the more I read into OCD or rather, Relationship OCD, I feel connected to othersā experiences. My boyfriend has been cheated on in the pastāto such a bad degree, that it can be hard for him to trust me. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever thought cheating was okay, but I experience nearly daily intrusive thoughts that I am a horrible partner. Even worse yet, the intrusive thoughts often include overanalyzing my body language and making myself believe that I am somehow presenting myself in a way that would make men ālikeā me and therefore convincing my boyfriend that I am or will cheat on him if given the chance.
It gets so bad that when my boyfriend questions an interaction I have with a dude, I freeze and become so panicked that I feel as though I am āgiving awayā that I did something wrongāeven though I didnāt do anything at all. I am fiercely loyal to people in my life and could never imagine hurting anyone, so the very thought that I could āpotentiallyā do this gnaws away at my social comfortability and self-confidence. I always feel as though Iām a horrible person and I am constantly trying to āmake upā for something I didnāt even do. Iāll cry myself to sleep ruminating on every detail of the moment I had these thoughts or when I spoke to my boyfriend about it. It just haunts my thoughts honestly and makes socializing impossible nearly all the time. Eye contact has been a huge problem for me lately evenāas if eye contact seals the deal on me being an āunfaithfulā partner. Or laughing! Because if I show any sort of interest in the conversationāno matter how respectful and short it isāI believe itāll spiral into my boyfriend leaving me (which is completely ridiculous and not true!)
Itās almost like imposter syndrome in a wayābecause I feel as though no amount of reassurance or truth that I am a kind, loyal girlfriend, I will eventually ruin it anyway so I donāt deserve respect or affirmations. And itās not even just with my boyfriend. Friends I have lost in the past clutter my mind as well. I have constant guilt and regret over potentially being a horrible friend despite how hard I fought/fight to keep that person in my life. Honestly, it gets to a point now where Iām convinced I will mess up any form of relationship I have eventually so I suppress my feelings or thoughts that could potentially upset people or make them question if I am really valuable in their life (often I can feel detached from people while being physically present with them because I get so lost in my head about what-ifs or where to look or if Iām causing someone to feel uncomfortable or that what they are or Iām saying isnāt satisfying the āidealā friendship) . I let people walk all over me, deal with uncomfortable settings to avoid conflict and struggle to assert myself or have any sense of who I truly am with other people. It has put such a strain on me and my relationships, especially my best friend and my boyfriend and Iās relationshipsāwhich hold highest priority in my life at the moment. It can be hard to ālet goā of people because itās just another person who I have failedāincluding my own family members whom have definitely given reason for me to be not close with them.
I also struggle with perfectionism and order during āstressfulā situations, to the point where I will put myself into an anxiety episode over the simplest changes, unexpected accidents or things not going to plan. Again, this could very well be a symptom of Bipolar, but it truly causes me to blow situations WAY out of proportion and convince myself that I will never resolve it or make things better unless I can set it exactly how it was supposed to be in my head. The executive dysfunction is real on that oneā¦To some, it could be procrastination. Or even just my cycles rapidly changing. But it affects my outlook on most thingsāfinancial matters, relationships, responsibilities, hygiene, cleaning. I can go from having complete confidence in doing something, to being doubtful that I could even get myself to get out of bed because I know I wonāt do what I need/want to do. Sometimes Iāll even elaborately plan a course of action the day before and then when the time comes to do it, I lose control of my will to do it due to my intrusive thoughts.
I do NOT expect anyone to ādiagnoseā me and Iām not sway the audience into agreeing with me in any way. I truly only want to hear your experiences, and if you also struggle to differentiate if youāve been properly diagnosed or have overlapping symptoms that you can relate in some way. I want to better understand OCD and possibly connect with people who have had the same experiences. I appreciate any feedbackāas long as itās beneficial to this discussion and helping anyone else who struggle with the same thoughtsāor even struggling to identify yourself or afford treatment! I just am curious, and honestly needed to have a platform to express some deep stuff I havenāt really discussed with anyone else besides my boyfriend.
Thank yall for reading/listening regardless!