- Username
- Zoroarcanine
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 28w ago
My Fears
Big trigger warning in advance, I’m using this as a moment to just write my fears and hopefully help others find something they can relate. Please no reassurance. If you feel up to it, please feel free to write your fears. I’m not really sure how to start this So I’ll just dive into it. I don’t really have OCD I’m using SO OCD as an excuse to not accept my newly discovered sexuality I’m a late bloomer I have internalized homophobia I don’t love my wife as much as I used to (this one is getting me the most so far) The homosexual urges and thoughts I feel are real and wanted I get anxious seeing dudes out in public because I’m attracted to them If I just shout that I’m gay right now it’s because it’s true I’ve been in denial these past 7 years and really discovered my true sexuality back when I was 24 I’m not anxious and engaging in compulsions as much now because I actually am gay and am starting to accept it I can’t stop looking at dudes out in public because I like it The sadness I feel writing this isn’t because I don’t like these thoughts, it’s just me having to accept that I’m someone new now and have to leave my life as I know it Me rejecting my homosexual thoughts is me rejecting who I truly am and that is wrong I’m going to have to resist my homosexual thoughts, everyday, for the rest of my life, and that I just need to accept I’m gay I’ve always been attracted to dudes and have just repressed it All the times I look back at seeing that it was OCD is just me altering the memory to fit my new coping mechanism I’m just afraid to accept I’m gay and I’m the only one holding me back Everyone else who says they have SO OCD is also in denial But the biggest one for me: I have been a puppet for my OCD for so long and I will still be his puppet going forward There’s more too, but as I was doing this and my distress starting going down, my OCD likes to forget my fears because he does not like me acknowledging them. These past few days have been hard, especially with the lack of compulsions and anxiety but the thoughts still there, especially so seeing dudes out in public. But I have gotten through this before, as much as he wants me thinking I hadn’t and have been in denial, and I will again and truly feel like I almost am. It’s scary right now accepting these thoughts that cause me distress, and being confused whether I like them or not, whether I’m still attracted to my wife, etc. but I can remember a time when these thoughts didn’t plague me as much, and know the thoughts that I’ve had pop up during the years wasn’t me but him. This will always be a battle but he can only win if I let him.