- Date posted
- 45w ago
i really just dont know who i am anymore
POCD has made me lose all my self identity, i dont know who i am anymore. Im really tired, when will this horror end.
POCD has made me lose all my self identity, i dont know who i am anymore. Im really tired, when will this horror end.
pocd is truly hell. ocd can make you go crazy. can mess with your thoughts and can fully make you believe you are an abuser or a monster. it is debilitating and it is nothing but horror. i am not scared of the so called place "hell", because i have been through it with pocd. identity crisis. gradual loss of sanity. i just want you to know, you are not the person who your brain tells you are. you are a human being. i know it feels surreal to imagine a reality where you actually realize that your mind actually lies to you and the truth has nothing to do with what it tells/dictates you, you actually feel a bit relieved. my dear friend, your brain and your thoughts do not define who you are and have never defined. you deserve respect and love just because you are here, a human, child of god, carrying a spark of divine in you. you are so very worthy. i recommend following @obsessively_anxious on instagram, her posts make me feel so seen and validated! i see you and i love you my dear friend, and i know the pain, the horror and the terror that your thoughts create in your mind, but i just want you to know that it lies to you and it does not align with the truth.
@queend This genuinely brought tears to my eyes, i needed this. Thank you so much, you are a kind soul. 🥹❤️
I’m going through the same thing. I’m exhausted. But it really has helped me to realise that we need to accept the feelings and float on through. I may have already mentioned but if you’re really struggling try ALI GREYMOND on YouTube. She’s phenomenal and made such a MASSIVE difference in my life. I still struggle a lot with POCD, but I can now leave the house and have a better understanding of myself ☺️ we are all here for you. You can do this xx
im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.
I keep waking up, overwhelmed with anxiety and I feel like an awful person and I don’t know why…? But I feel like it’s because of POCD, I genuinely feel like a bad person because of all of my false attraction experiences, I feel like it’s my fault, I feel like an awful person and I’m spiraling, it’s so hard to look at myself in the mirror, i can’t bare it, I just feel so awful about myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I genuinely can’t do this anymore.
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
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