Does anyone else struggled with retroactive jealousy ocd? Constantly feeling horrible physical anxiety unless I ask my partner about their sexual past? Does anyone have any sort of advice to help me not give into these compulsions to ask about her past sex life? I’m currently in therapy but anything helps.
Hey there!! Me too! I’ve gotten nausea and even dizziness from this retroactive jealousy, it takes over me and I can barely speak. So believe me, you’re not alone and it does get better! At one point I saw photos of him with another girl kissing (from a year ago) and it was so so tough, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for months, but it caused such a strong physical response I couldn’t talk about it. Then I found out she had reached out to him asking him to visit her!!! It was very painful. It was a mix of reotracitve OCD jealousy that created all these images in my head, led to constant rumination (i estimate I thought about it at least 3 hours a day) and real jealousy. Eventually I told him I’d seen the pictures and he shared the story and for some reason just hearing it all made me calmer and the thoughts were released( as painful as it was, I cried). I no longer had space to imagine/ruminate or tell myself stories about what happened or that he still loved those girls. It was something that happened. An event. Something that stayed in the past. I let my partner know I had OCD and how it manifested with jealousy, since at first I would get jealous and he’d provide reassurance but that would just send me in a deeper spiral. Now I can talk about his past without it making me nauseous or provoking inescapable rumination. It gets better with time, sit in the uncertainty and don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re brave!!!! Ocd is tough, it’s confusing, but it’s also something you can overcome!
@Anonymous Thank you so much for sharing!
Comment deleted by user
@jjjjj227649 this means a ton. thank you. do you have any advice on what to do when that feeling in your stomach is so bad you just have to ask about their past? How did you learn to get over some things you found out about their past that you didn’t love? Your response means more to me than you can imagine, thank you for relating.
I’m gonna try to make this make sense, and any support or advice would be great. I have a beautiful girlfriend, who I’ve been dating off and on for a year. We were really rocky but got our shit figured out 4 months ago and have been strong since. I truly love this girl more than I’ve loved anyone. And I know based off the sheer amount of ocd that has come up on our relationship, that she means a lot to me. Me and her were in a friend group in 2022 and we never liked each other. However she had a sexual relationship with one of my old friends. Fast forward to now I haven’t talked to him in a long time and I don’t see it as an issue. However… I keep having this vivid flashback to him touching her some kinda way in 2022. I can’t remember exactly what happened or the details but it’s running through my head. I guess this is retroactive jealousy but it’s really almost hurting my feelings. I wish it would stop but I know ocd doesn’t work that way. I just wanna be happy with my girl and not upset at her past experiences
New member here. I realize this Retroactive Jealousy OCD topic is not thoroughly discussed and most therapists are unfamiliar with this OCD. This is perhaps the most painful form of OCD, and most people have no idea how or why people have these irrational obsessive thoughts. Here is my story in detail. Many of you might be able to relate. 12 years ago I was a 38 years old divorced man with 2 small children. I had been divorced for 4 years, during which time a had a few relationships and had sex regularly with the women I dated. One day I met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her. She was same age as me, and similar divorce and dating experiences. Everything was perfect in the beginning just like any new relationships. 2 months into the relationship I decided that we should disclose our body count and experiences (for transparency). I was only interested in the period after our divorce because we had both been with our ex spouse for over 15 years and stuff before that was borderline pre-adult stuff. Coincidentally 6-8 for both of us. Only difference is I had 2 serious relationships and she had none. She had 1 one-nighter with a friend and a “friends with benefits” situation with 1 other guy. The rest were short 1x and 2x experiences, just like me. Granted we were both in our mid 30s so this stuff shouldn’t shock anyone. For some reason I began fixating on that 1 nighter and friend with benefits. That 1-nighter happened a few months after her divorce and was with an old guy (54) from another country. I felt sickened and kept imagining their sex act. I asked her how it was and she said she was lonely and it was a bad choice. I kept obsessing over it. Maybe she liked older men? Next I started ruminating over her Friend with Benefits which went on for 2 years. They dated briefly but she said she was never in love. Neither wanted a relationship but happens to meet up a few times a year and ended up having sex. This friend was extremely threatened once he found out about me. I felt maybe her connection with him was stronger or maybe sex was so good she couldn’t avoid him. She said no. In fact she decided to end all contact with him and he freaked out. But I felt insecure and I felt extreme pain when I thought about her having sex with these people. I thought it was very unlike her to do that. She felt I was judging her. We had our first fight. I broke up with her. Same day I regretted my actions and clearly it was my issue. I begged her for her forgiveness. I started therapy to figure out what was wrong. Clearly Retroactive Jealousy OCD was relatively unknown 12 years ago. The psychiatrist considered it a form of OCD and treated it accordingly. With the combination medication and therapy I was able to conquer it in 8 months. We got married and next month we will celebrate our 11th year wedding anniversary. But the story is not over. In March of this year I suffered a nervous breakdown, mainly due to severe. personal and professional stress. All my OCDs came back literally overnight. So now I’m being treated again and it has been very difficult. This is work in progress. I’m not out of the woods yet. I am on serotonin and therapy 3x a week. Hopefully in due time, I’ll get better…again.
My therapy has really helped. But… I am still finding new ways to make myself feel horrible. It’s like there is a little part of my mind that is afraid to let go. I ask myself why this is and I am still looking for the answer. I fear that this is just my burden in life. I wish my wife had saved herself for me. Now I just worry and compare myself to ghosts. It’s pathetic and frustrating. It is soul crushing because I let it be. I wish I could crush it instead. I’m sorry if this is discouraging, I just needed to vent.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
