I have vague memories ive been through this before

I found out i was gay after being groomed at 14, and thats haunted me forever. As if my sexuality is illegitimate. I have memories that after all of that happened and i distanced myself from it, i remember i was in a depressive stupor, and I had to figure out for certain if i was really gay or if it was the grooming. I remember being constantly tested every day for months, feeling like theres this voice in my head tearing away at me. The memories were repressed, but slowly discovering them again, i cant help but wonder if that was also OCD. Ive come to understand this is something ive struggled with for a very long time, but I didnt re-experience until my 20s.

Zoroarcanine

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

When my SO OCD initially flared up, I remember the moment of it leeching onto an unanswered fear that I may have been SA’d as a kid (the details are hazy from the time when I stopped going over to my friends house but I found out years later that her dad was convicted for being a predator) My brain combined that possibility, that I don’t even know happened or not, with the story of someone else I read who blamed being SA’d as a kid for him, as he said, “becoming gay”, to lead me down a rabbit hole that I’m still climbing out of. The truth for both of us is that we have this gremlin in our heads that just want to make our lives unhappy. It doesn’t care about the truth, it only cares about the possibility and if it’s possible, that means it’s true which means our fears are a reality. Since that time, that initial fear has faded away and OCD has grasped onto different things to keep me stuck, and I bet it would do the same to you with this fear or has even just switched to this one from a different one. It’s incredibly tough, but trust that you know who you are, and this goes for myself too. There’s a reason you think this is SO OCD, and that’s because it is, but this a-hole in our heads wants to do everything to make us question every little aspect about ourselves that we know are true. Stay strong, and don’t let the monster in your head stop you from being you

Logan_B

Date posted: 1y

"It doesnt care about the truth, it cares about the possibility and if its possible that means its true". Sums it up to a tee. Keeps running me in circles about if i have the *possibility* to find women attractive that means its true. Ive always likened ocd to making you feel like "this is it" "its finally happening" all the time, just for nothing to happen.

anonymous2580

Date posted: 25w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 19w

How did your so-ocd feel when it started?

For me it was a weird intrusive thought and after that I slowly started developing anxiety and I felt a weird thing like I was losing my attraction to girls. Then I woke up one day in complete panic cuz it felt like I had lost feelings for girls suddenly and I started searching online how to know if you’re gay if sexuality changes suddenly and I took some gay tests or sexuality tests online. Chat gpt was a big thing back then too. That was before therapy and before I knew what ocd is.Can anyone relate?

niu

Date posted: 12w

SOCD, Real Event, porn

I never read someone talk about this so I wanted to know if it applies to anyone as well. For context: I deal with ROCD and SOCD but I do identify as straight and am in a (happy) relationship with a man. What often triggers me is memories about childhood and adolescences about having the groinal toward nudity in porn or music videos. Because I can’t deny having watched other things than straight porn and experimenting with porn I simply can’t stop trying to figure out what that might have meant and if i deep down have actually a other sexual orientation than the one that I feel comfortable identifying with. I only hear people talking about random triggers but never the REAL memory of arousal to pornography and so on.

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I have vague memories ive been through this before

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