HOCD Vs. actually being gay ?

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

I’m in a really bad panic at the moment re my ocd. I’m trying so hard to accept the thoughts/feelings and accept how real and true it all feels, despite the panic and anxiety. I read somewhere that you can clearly tell the difference between a thought about your sexuality being true vs an ocd thought. It said if the thoughts/feelings/narrative makes you feel panic, anxiety and dread, like you don’t want the thoughts, then it’s ocd. If they make you feel warm, content and normal, then they’re likely not ocd. Is that how people and psychologists differentiate? My situation is that I’m a 36 year old male that never questioned or had to question my sexuality until one day at 26, I had the question pop up “are you gay”. Since then, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Questioning, checking, anxious 24/7, wanting to escape myself. Help :(

I’ve been struggling with what I hope to be HOCD for over 6 months now and I’m starting to loose hope…I had always been attracted to women, had plenty of crushes on women growing up, fantasies included, enjoyed spending time with the one I had a crush on, would avoid the usual things seen as “gay” or “feminine,” you know the usual kid stuff. I never had any issues or desires back then to be with a man but suddenly a few months back out of literal no where i got a thought and it’s stayed with me ever since. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these thoughts and that I’d rather die then be gay or bisexual but then the “what-ifs” come up and even when they don’t come up I have this underlying fear of “maybe it will happen. Maybe you are gay” and it scares me. Yet my brain still tries to lie straight to my face and say “oh no, you like this don’t you” it’s like I don’t know anymore and I couldn’t live with myself if I even experimented with it because I know for a fact I would be repulsed and don’t want it. Please help. Going about this with the idea of accepting uncertainty just makes me more anxious and feel as if I’m accepting these thoughts as facts for me and I don’t know what to do.