I feel really gross (TW SA mention)

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

(TRIGGER WARNING) To go more in depth with my question, can porn misconstrue or contort your grown up response and arousal, causing you to feel things to stuff you do not find pleasing? The reason I’m asking this is because something happened just now that is bothering me. I was on TikTok and I saw a video where a girl was explaining how her father SA’ed her. It was really hard for me to even get through the video and I kept pausing throughout because of how shocking it was. However, I noticed that I kept feeling groinal responses along with unwanted imaginations of what she was saying. I know, people typically kind of imagine stories in their head when someone else is telling them said stories, but I felt movement and it was bothering me because it did not match how I’ve felt about what I was hearing. Of course, I had to ignore the intrusive thoughts, but it was really hard for me to watch the whole video and I still have not watched it through. I felt like I was fighting with myself, however, when I think about it right now, I feel nothing. I know I probably should stop doing that because checking is only going to make the rumination worse, but I just wanted to see if porn could be a factor in this as I have struggled with pornography addiction as I was exposed to it around six or seven years old all the way up to now being 24.