So - ocd

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!

My intrusive thoughts with my SO OCD have been flaring up horribly for the past couple weeks, I think due to stress. Today has been especially bad. I’ve been experiencing false attractions with every woman I’ve been seeing today and it’s making me feel so gross that I feel anxious and sick to my stomach and that I’m going to cry. I cannot shake all the feelings in the body that make it FEEL like I’m « attracted » to them even though I know deep down it’s all fake!! I don’t know if I’m dealing with it right. I’m trying my best to just ignore the thought but the minute it stops, my ocd convinces me that I am in denial because I was able to stop and then I can’t stop thinking about that this confirms im in denial and I freak out and the process starts all over again. I don’t know if I should respond to the thought or ignore it or if what I’m doing is denial or really SO OCD. I have been ruminating on it so much the past couple weeks and it’s starting to take a turn to where I don’t remember anything except my intrusive thoughts and feelings and I am having a hard time getting things done at work and showing up to things and being fully present. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I just want it to stop. If i was bi or gay or whatever, that’s fine!! I don’t care. But the thought of being with a woman when the fake attraction I feels makes me want to vomit makes me feel dread at the idea of dating a woman. Im currently dating a wonderful man who is a great fit for me and makes me incredibly happy. It feels like if im in denial and my intrusive thoughts are right, i will have to break up with him and that thought alone destroys me. I could go on about how I have only liked, loved and been attracted to men my entire life and have never wanted to be with a woman in any other way besides a friend but I feel like that will just make my anxiety worse. I have been dealing with SO OCD on and off since puberty but it got incredibly more severe the past couple years. Does anyone have any constructive advice about how to deal with the rumination? Should I ignore it? Should I sit with it and accept the fact that it might be true? Anything would help thank you!!