- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
@ehawkins3345 hey! Its really comforting to hear that he knows. I jusr feel like overall hocd has really damaged my connection with god so much. I remeber being so close to God and talking to him and i genuinely believed in him and knew he was my father. I just miss that and it feels like my brain has been floaded with bad thoughts and evil thoughts and i feel so self centered and i feel so mean and so careless about things i used to care about. I ask god everyh night to understand why im like to understand why i cant do better even tho i want to. Im scared that i want to do better but im too lazy to actually act on it and that i just postpone me really listening to his word and reading the bible. I want to feel his love and true words deeply again and i dont want to hear it and not feel anything. I cant stand that i csnt feel true and genuine feelings like love and gods Word. I have such a big wall around my soul that makes my life so empty and boring basically. I want to break it down but the more Time i spend trying to break it the more it thickens. Thank you for commenting because your words really were comforting and its so nice to hear from someone who understands me and also is christian! Good luck to you!
- Date posted
- 5y
All of yall words got me like ?? its soo comforting. @ehawkins3345 thanks for the great tip! I will Try to do that. @AK99 i can relate a lot when unsaid the confusion raises during ocd thats right where Im going trough. I feel like i have to trust in god and not worry to much and know that he got me. I always think that and it calms me but before i know it im back in my old patterns and then i feel so bad again and then i feel Guilty like why cant i for once just stay good or why csnt i at least try. Like try hard instead of giving up after every mental breakdown. When u said that It will bring out a better version of me that honestly gives me hope and motivation for a better future. I cant thank you all enough of taking the time to comment and helping me out!
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey hun! Your parents sound very accepting. Maybe telling them is a good idea?
- Date posted
- 5y
Telling your parents might actually be a good idea in this case. I told mine after hiding it for a long time and now I'm actually getting help because of them.
- Date posted
- 5y
I told my parents about my HOCD before I even knew what it was... My dad walked in on me compulsively taking measurements of my fingers with a ruler (genuinely the weridest compulsion I've had ?) and he knew something was wrong. I was so tired and distressed at the time that I ended up just telling him everything. He laughed at me, actually, because he thought it was ridiculous that I was even worrying about it! But telling my parents was the best thing I could ever have done. They listened to me, and it made me feel relaxed for a moment. And when things got really tough, it was my parents who persuaded me to get help. They didn't understand well at first, especially my dad. But my mum researched OCD without me knowing, and she told me that it made sense. She's been really supportive about it whenever I've needed help. Bottling it up would have made everything so much worse, but just talking to my parents about it made me feel more comfortable at home than before.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank youu all! This whole thing has got me feeling sooo dark. Like im genuinely bad and like im acting good it makes every part of me trying to convince myself Im bad and evil. Thanks for commenting! @AB-xoxo, my parents are amazing and they would try and step in my shoes and they would believe it and accept that i have a mental ilness. I dont know why i dont tell them its more like the shame and jts sooo private for me that i dont want to tell them. Like its my battle u know. I dont want to make it their problem and i donr want them to feel bad for me or anyone. I dont want to be seen like the sister or daughter with hocd. I can feel thst they would treat me different and with more love but its like i dont want that because the more they stay normal the more i feel like myself and like everythings okay. Im just also ashamed of telling them. It feels like telling i have a sexuality problem and like i dont know what i am instead of telling them i have hocd even tho they know its a real thing. Thank you for commenting tho and honestly yourn right, it is a good idea. But i just cant step up To them and tell them i dont have the courage.. @AK99 thank you so much for telling me that maybe im not bad. It feels really good because my mind is so drained i just dont know myself anymore. Theres nothinf better than support from people who know what youre going through! Thanks for commenting! You all gave me a virtual hug?
- Date posted
- 5y
@AK99 that’s beautiful. I hope im able to collect a lot of hope to arm myself with. I hope you are doing good!
- Date posted
- 5y
@AK99 im 1000% sure u will make it. I wish u succed and luck!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
- Date posted
- 13w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 9w
Hi,im a fourteen years old girl. I live in a homophobic country,and i dont have any experience. I grew up and became homophobic just like my family and my religion.but in 13 year old.i was questioning why lgptq is illegal?while they are just being them and can’t select what they are? So..i became an agnostic or atheist by secret.oh,by addition,before i became atheist i was making sure i don’t like women,like looking at women pics and imagine some romantic or sexual senarios just to find out,(and i wasnt feel anything and didnt like them),and i was happy and comfort for being straight (i was liking fictional men and some actors,within experience except an online male friend i liked but we didn’t date).but after being atheist,its like fire,i start developing HOCD,im not officially have that because I can’t have a therapist,but i have the Symptoms 100%. I didnt know whats hocd ,i find out whats it before a month.when i was struggling with it like 7 months,so,i think it started when i was in very close friendship with a girl in school,i was confused.if i liked her or not,i was imagining,questioning,making scenarios,but i couldnt have an answer,but then i was comfort to keep it just friendship.when the questions about her go,i can see her normally as a friend and i dont think of her or text her every day and it sometimes reaches months in summer holidays and its normally to me,no romantic acts about her,but then i had a new friend to the group and i had the same thoughts and questions to her.and now my brain questioning if i like them both😢.ok.this gone.this is before year,before being atheist.after being.i was questioning “do i like women?” Or when i see a fictional woman,i start to look at her and questioning myself and try to catch any feeling,i swear i would accept myself to be gay or bisexual,but i just can’t feel or accept that..i feel like burn.i cried and cried.it somedays turns so hard that I can’t even study or live normally.i also started to lose my attraction to men.i feel like its gone,I can’t now imagine being a man without getting uncomfortable,i miss the days when i was enjoying imagining kissing and sexing with a man.but,hocd,always reminds me i have no experience,and its all imaginary,so I don’t have a real clue from beginning that im straight.and i also read an girl experience with hocd and she became a lesbian at the end,i get so scary.it feels so real.i just wanna cry forever.im afraid that i will like a girl in the future,it chock me and burns.i hate this feeling.to thr god i dont know or believe in,please,if i like women,just let me feel it normally without this fear and hurting.i dont want to be gay.i dont want to like women.i dont want to be bisexual or lesbian.but if being any of those but comfort without this feeling that makes me wanna suicide.i would accept,please.just please,i even can’t get a therapist,even online,i just want help.please.i dont want to be like those girls that find out they liked women all the time,im scared,i miss my old feelings and trusting.i hate this.i just want to die if its mean hocd to go.i feel like its so real and i will love a girl no way in hell future.i even feel its not wrong to like women,like its much better and more soft that men,but i just can’t.I can’t.i dont know,i did everything.i gave myself permission to find out or explore my attraction to the both genders but it hurts me more.i dont want to get hurts again anymore.just remembering i have no experience or clue i like men even if in past felt like i would like and date a man and liven with him,i keep reminding its all was Based on imagination…even if i was wishing to love a man,hocd ruined this peaceful feeling,i was really find peaceful of loving a man.but now,i don’t feel like before,and this scares me,i don’t know what to do.I can’t have a therapist,and dont even know how to get better,,,
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