- Username
- hocdgirlsummer
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@ehawkins3345 hey! Its really comforting to hear that he knows. I jusr feel like overall hocd has really damaged my connection with god so much. I remeber being so close to God and talking to him and i genuinely believed in him and knew he was my father. I just miss that and it feels like my brain has been floaded with bad thoughts and evil thoughts and i feel so self centered and i feel so mean and so careless about things i used to care about. I ask god everyh night to understand why im like to understand why i cant do better even tho i want to. Im scared that i want to do better but im too lazy to actually act on it and that i just postpone me really listening to his word and reading the bible. I want to feel his love and true words deeply again and i dont want to hear it and not feel anything. I cant stand that i csnt feel true and genuine feelings like love and gods Word. I have such a big wall around my soul that makes my life so empty and boring basically. I want to break it down but the more Time i spend trying to break it the more it thickens. Thank you for commenting because your words really were comforting and its so nice to hear from someone who understands me and also is christian! Good luck to you!
All of yall words got me like ?? its soo comforting. @ehawkins3345 thanks for the great tip! I will Try to do that. @AK99 i can relate a lot when unsaid the confusion raises during ocd thats right where Im going trough. I feel like i have to trust in god and not worry to much and know that he got me. I always think that and it calms me but before i know it im back in my old patterns and then i feel so bad again and then i feel Guilty like why cant i for once just stay good or why csnt i at least try. Like try hard instead of giving up after every mental breakdown. When u said that It will bring out a better version of me that honestly gives me hope and motivation for a better future. I cant thank you all enough of taking the time to comment and helping me out!
Hey hun! Your parents sound very accepting. Maybe telling them is a good idea?
Telling your parents might actually be a good idea in this case. I told mine after hiding it for a long time and now I'm actually getting help because of them.
I told my parents about my HOCD before I even knew what it was... My dad walked in on me compulsively taking measurements of my fingers with a ruler (genuinely the weridest compulsion I've had ?) and he knew something was wrong. I was so tired and distressed at the time that I ended up just telling him everything. He laughed at me, actually, because he thought it was ridiculous that I was even worrying about it! But telling my parents was the best thing I could ever have done. They listened to me, and it made me feel relaxed for a moment. And when things got really tough, it was my parents who persuaded me to get help. They didn't understand well at first, especially my dad. But my mum researched OCD without me knowing, and she told me that it made sense. She's been really supportive about it whenever I've needed help. Bottling it up would have made everything so much worse, but just talking to my parents about it made me feel more comfortable at home than before.
Thank youu all! This whole thing has got me feeling sooo dark. Like im genuinely bad and like im acting good it makes every part of me trying to convince myself Im bad and evil. Thanks for commenting! @AB-xoxo, my parents are amazing and they would try and step in my shoes and they would believe it and accept that i have a mental ilness. I dont know why i dont tell them its more like the shame and jts sooo private for me that i dont want to tell them. Like its my battle u know. I dont want to make it their problem and i donr want them to feel bad for me or anyone. I dont want to be seen like the sister or daughter with hocd. I can feel thst they would treat me different and with more love but its like i dont want that because the more they stay normal the more i feel like myself and like everythings okay. Im just also ashamed of telling them. It feels like telling i have a sexuality problem and like i dont know what i am instead of telling them i have hocd even tho they know its a real thing. Thank you for commenting tho and honestly yourn right, it is a good idea. But i just cant step up To them and tell them i dont have the courage.. @AK99 thank you so much for telling me that maybe im not bad. It feels really good because my mind is so drained i just dont know myself anymore. Theres nothinf better than support from people who know what youre going through! Thanks for commenting! You all gave me a virtual hug?
@AK99 that’s beautiful. I hope im able to collect a lot of hope to arm myself with. I hope you are doing good!
@AK99 im 1000% sure u will make it. I wish u succed and luck!
*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
Okay so having a lil anxiety attack right now because the thought of being gay aint scaring me anymore and now i feel like i truuuly am gay and like i have to come out to my parents and like im pressured by myself and not accepting myself and it feels just too real and idkkk its crazy how i can go from okay to this stage again. I feel like i try not to fall in love with woman and im holding myself back but if i truly was gay wouldnt it just liked the same sex earlier in my life. Like it just happens right? So ive never had that but i feel like im blocking myself from likjng woman but jve never liked them in my whole life so idk what im tryna convince myself. I cant lie, This generation is rlly hard on me when it comes to my hocd. Evergwhere around me people are comjng out and it makes it look like being gay is a huge posibility and that i could easily be gay when u look at how many people are gay. That it wouldnt be a weird case like so many girls are lesbian why wouldnt i be. What would make me straight and them gay? The thing is all these questjoms once were never in my head and all the answers were so clear i didnt even had to ask the questions to myself. But why do i now? Makes me feel like im gay because straight ppl would never ask themselves these questions...
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