Sooooooo omg my mom mentioned that she saw a show on televisopn where people with weird mental ilnesses spoke and she mentioned that there was someone with hocd and how she thought it was weird but she thought in this generation she doesnt blame people for having it because it isnt their own fault and there is alot of pressure on your sexuality and omg i got sooo red and i felt like i was gonna burst out in tears and tell them everyything i was sooo close to just break and tell them what ive been going trough for the past year. Im so freaked out and like... i jusr wanna tell them but im ashamed and i know i will n e v e r tell them but i cant believe i got this close. And i just dont know what to do bevause on the show the doctor said a looot of people approached him with having hocd and that its really a new big mental ilness thing. You know what it is, my mom said that the man on the show who had hocd said he wasnt in to guys at all but his brain told him he liked it and that was me in the ebginning of hocd but now i have a feeling i cant relate anymore and that hurts so much because its like hocd has gotten so deep into me that i honestly believe it and like i created genuine feelings towards woman. I dont know what to think anymroe. I pray everynight god will Release me and somehow i feel like this is my punishment for not listenig to Him and i also todsy read in the bible That people who ignore god do things wrong when it comes to sexual stuff and that people wont be able to think clear anymore and that they will be lost and thats just me and im So afraid because the bible says people will be punished for it idk im so freaked out!!!! I wanna be a better person so bad but i cant when my brain is like this i need help from god but im scared he just rejects me vecause ive been a horrrible person. So selfish and i know my heart is ebtter than that but i cant set good apart from bad bevause my brain wont let me. Its like i dont give a shit about anyhting anymore and i miss me who could think clear and who was genuine and honored god. Its like ny current brain cant do that snymore it doesnt have the right functions for it anymorw. Like the good part in me had been cut out and im tryna find it but its destroyed and theres no way it will come back.

Hi,im a fourteen years old girl. I live in a homophobic country,and i dont have any experience. I grew up and became homophobic just like my family and my religion.but in 13 year old.i was questioning why lgptq is illegal?while they are just being them and can’t select what they are? So..i became an agnostic or atheist by secret.oh,by addition,before i became atheist i was making sure i don’t like women,like looking at women pics and imagine some romantic or sexual senarios just to find out,(and i wasnt feel anything and didnt like them),and i was happy and comfort for being straight (i was liking fictional men and some actors,within experience except an online male friend i liked but we didn’t date).but after being atheist,its like fire,i start developing HOCD,im not officially have that because I can’t have a therapist,but i have the Symptoms 100%. I didnt know whats hocd ,i find out whats it before a month.when i was struggling with it like 7 months,so,i think it started when i was in very close friendship with a girl in school,i was confused.if i liked her or not,i was imagining,questioning,making scenarios,but i couldnt have an answer,but then i was comfort to keep it just friendship.when the questions about her go,i can see her normally as a friend and i dont think of her or text her every day and it sometimes reaches months in summer holidays and its normally to me,no romantic acts about her,but then i had a new friend to the group and i had the same thoughts and questions to her.and now my brain questioning if i like them both😢.ok.this gone.this is before year,before being atheist.after being.i was questioning “do i like women?” Or when i see a fictional woman,i start to look at her and questioning myself and try to catch any feeling,i swear i would accept myself to be gay or bisexual,but i just can’t feel or accept that..i feel like burn.i cried and cried.it somedays turns so hard that I can’t even study or live normally.i also started to lose my attraction to men.i feel like its gone,I can’t now imagine being a man without getting uncomfortable,i miss the days when i was enjoying imagining kissing and sexing with a man.but,hocd,always reminds me i have no experience,and its all imaginary,so I don’t have a real clue from beginning that im straight.and i also read an girl experience with hocd and she became a lesbian at the end,i get so scary.it feels so real.i just wanna cry forever.im afraid that i will like a girl in the future,it chock me and burns.i hate this feeling.to thr god i dont know or believe in,please,if i like women,just let me feel it normally without this fear and hurting.i dont want to be gay.i dont want to like women.i dont want to be bisexual or lesbian.but if being any of those but comfort without this feeling that makes me wanna suicide.i would accept,please.just please,i even can’t get a therapist,even online,i just want help.please.i dont want to be like those girls that find out they liked women all the time,im scared,i miss my old feelings and trusting.i hate this.i just want to die if its mean hocd to go.i feel like its so real and i will love a girl no way in hell future.i even feel its not wrong to like women,like its much better and more soft that men,but i just can’t.I can’t.i dont know,i did everything.i gave myself permission to find out or explore my attraction to the both genders but it hurts me more.i dont want to get hurts again anymore.just remembering i have no experience or clue i like men even if in past felt like i would like and date a man and liven with him,i keep reminding its all was Based on imagination…even if i was wishing to love a man,hocd ruined this peaceful feeling,i was really find peaceful of loving a man.but now,i don’t feel like before,and this scares me,i don’t know what to do.I can’t have a therapist,and dont even know how to get better,,,

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....

Wow, how awful hocd is and how so many people suffer it in silence. I was ashamed. I’ll never forget the day the first intrusive thought popped it into my brain, “What if you’re gay?”. This thought came with so much anxiety and hit me like a tonne of bricks. Clearly, at some stage of my life, I feared the concept of being gay or being in denial. The words wounded me. After that day, my life was never the same. I started to panic if the thoughts would come back and if so, when? This powered it up. Flash-forward in time, my life was a daily hell. My head was flooded with thoughts on being gay. What if etc…. I went from once adoring who I was, being carefree, confident and so happy to hating myself and wanting to end my life. I was so ashamed of having these thoughts and that someone would think that i’m gay that I told no one. When I should have got help, I suffered and lost years of my life to a living hell. I wasn’t in my body. I was dead and buried years ago, a zombie is survival mode, unable to breathe. The lies screamed at me daily and got so bad I failed uni, dropped out and isolated myself in my room for what felt like forever. I cut off all of my life, my friends, my hobbies. There was nothing left in me. When I say I had 0% of me left. I mean it. It was in this death, in my souls death that I begged for a saviour or I had to exit this world for good. I didn’t want to die but my soul had died already. I felt so far gone that I’d never come back from this. I’d never be me again. I’d never be my dream self or have my husband and kids. With the only last glimmer of hope I had left, I searched up constant repetitive thoughts… tones of answers came to shore but there was a story on a man who had been diagnosed with HOCD. He had the fear of being gay but always knew he was straight. How can this happen? How can the mind derail us so easily? How did he heal ? ERP!! Chase down the fear, don’t run from it. No more running. Never again. It was in this moment I knew I wasn’t alone. I cried for joy despite intrusive thoughts screaming at me ( haha ). I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy. I was living a lie because my mind was playing tricks on me. I was done with my mind being my enemy. That was the night I started my journey to ocd. I’m still healing through the torment and life that it robbed me of. The girl that I am will never give up. I’ve always known who I am. Your mind lies. 💖 I know we all want a quick fix. We want this pain to end, the lies to stop, the brain to shut off this CRAP but if one thing I know is, how fcking damn strong I am. I’m not scared to say this happened to me. I’m sure as hell not embarrassed either. Yeah, it happened, it made me break down in ways I wish I never had to. It made me hate myself and never live authentically, but it made me wake up. It made me realise how precious life is. It made me understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Brains are machines and they spit out random radio noise. It made me realise life is too short to listen to junk. It made me start all over again and heal my inner child. So, sure, it’s a pain in the ass and it’s unfair and shitty and exhausting and so damn evil, but, the day you stop listening is the day you win. I don’t need to listen to it when it’s false advertisement 💖 - Always happy to help and it gets better, I promise xxx DONT Ever give up