Any tips on how to deal with emotional numbness?

I get married in 5 days. And what’s suppose to be the happiest week of my life, is the most numb, dreadful and ocd-filled. I’ve suffered from what I’d call existential ocd for 2.5 years. It’s been so long with it that I THINK my theme has changed to.. “what if I never feel the same again?” “What if I never recover?” “What if I’m always left feeling numb and disconnected?” The existential ocd started with “life is meaningless thoughts”. They are still there. They’re relentless too. My brain just one day grasped that we die and immediately it led me to belief that because of death and because no one has answers.. life is meaningless. I developed very bad depression. And I think my ocd has latched on to this numb feeling. Let me say, I feel no positive or negative emotions. I can’t cry, I can’t feel, I don’t see a point, I don’t feel connected to anything or anyone. I get married in 5 days and I feel nothing. And let be clear, I love my fiance so so much. He is amazing. Everything I want and more. Everyday I wake up, my ocd is nonstop all day. I really don’t see a point in anything. I would say I have little to no insight OCD. I truly believe this is my life. Any advice appreciated.

I've recently found a way of dealing with my intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but now that I don't get anxious about the thoughts I feel oddly empty, like I keep wondering whats going on, why is this not hitting me like it used to. What do I do with myself now? I don't miss the way these thoughts had a choke hold on me, but I feel like I need to fill my life with something better, but i just don't know what. Has anyone else had this happen?

Hi so i’ve been trying to figure out how to stop mentally checking. I’m doing better at not ruminating!! I realized that me responding to the thoughts it in any way makes me ruminate even more, so i took someone’s advice and let the thought sit there. i sit in the uncomfortable feelings/anxiety, i let the uncomfortable body sensations sit (groinal), i don’t engage, i don’t distract myself, i don’t avoid it (sometimes i notice discomfort and anxiety towards something and expose myself to it), i continue what im doing, i try to stay in the moment, and my anxiety will slowly go down. When i do those things the intrusive thoughts start to fade which means less anxiety and the compulsion loop and shitty feelings slowly fade as well. Im doing better at not googling for reassurance!! However, i notice that im still struggling with checking/mentally reviewing (my arousal, my emotions, my feelings, my attraction, etc). After years of dealing with OCD it’s made me really numb (NO libido, no attraction, no motivation, just numb). Im trying to get my life back and im living everyday and not letting OCD run my life anymore. I’m scared but im not at the same time, i REFUSE to let it take over again. All these years of suffering have literally prepared me for this😭. After years of pure numbness, ZERO attraction (still struggle w this), and avoiding everything, i developed a crush and im now in a new relationship. This has flared up my ROCD and SOOCD again, but when im with him i notice im able to be in the moment, feel my feelings for him fully (not all the time i mess up), but as soon as i go home or im alone, im already mentally checking and fearing the numbness will take over again. I start to ruminate and worry that OCD will make me lose every bit of progress i made, and i’ll lose feelings for him, ruining our relationship and sending me back to that miserable place i was in. if you read my previous posts you’d know how amazing and freeing it has been to feel these feelings with him. but i’m so worried my constant checking will make me even more numb. Even when im not experiencing any thoughts and not anxious, i still subconsciously check what im feeling and start to feel a numb, plain, knot in my chest if that makes sense? Like it’s a dull feeling? ANYWAYS my question is this, how can i stop mentally checking/ mentally reviewing (attraction,feelings, arousal,emotions, body sensations (groinal)) and how can i fix the numbness?? i’m willing to do anything!! idc if it’s hard i just need someone to give me some tips and ill try my best. also if you live in california, and have met with a therapist on this app pls give some recommendations i want to make a free appointment soon!!