Anyone who falls under the bi umbrella—have you had doubts about your bisexuality? How do you deal with them? When you first found out did the attractions for one gender feel different than another? What counts as attraction in your mind? If you are okay talking about this I would love to chat.
1. I always have doubts about my bisexuality, mostly thinking what if I’m straight and I’m just being a trender? Or sometimes I wonder if I’m actually “fully gay” and I haven’t accepted it yet. 2. I usually tell myself that bisexuality comes at a spectrum, and that you can be attracted to one side more than the other but that doesn’t make you less bisexual. 3. They feel different for sure, each gender has their own stuff going on mentally, physically- I mean if it feels the same for you then that’s probably normal too, but I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “feeling different” 4. I count romantic and physical attraction as both indicators of bisexuality or biromantic- For the most part I just let the waves hit me- I let whatever attraction comes, come. I don’t force it or try to get with many people- I just kinda develop feelings based on my comfort levels.
@ocdnoononi Instead of feeling different I should’ve said manifest differently, and yes you are definitely right. Sometimes I wonder if my attraction to the opposite gender is purely aesthetic and I’m just kidding myself but then I think to recent moments where that doesn’t seem to be the case, like when a female friend/crush from college said that she would visit me and I instantly got aroused or feeling aroused at various points during dates with women (especially while flirting or if the girl is showing interest). Then there are my sexual dreams, which have throughout the years, including recently, involved multiple genders (women, men and what appears to have been a non-binary person). So yeah, that’s what I meant by manifest differently. As in depending on context.
@Anonymous Also sorry for the tmi
omg I was going to make a post about this lol 1. yes, especially as of recently. I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while now. 2. I think about how my first partner was a girl. I was confused as to how to felt about her & in the end it didn’t work out because I wasn’t in the right mental space. I’m not diagnosed with OCD but I have a feeling like ROCD & SOOCD have affected me during the time I first started talking to her. based on the posts I’ve read on here with these two subtypes, I can relate to the worries. now I’m wondering if I ever even liked her at all or if I was forcing myself. when we first started dating, she asked me with a sad face if I wanted us to be a thing. (TMI: the weekend we met up irl, we did sexual stuff. this was before at the end of the trip when we started dating.) I was anxious inside because I wasn’t 100% if I wanted to commit to a relationship. & because we had already done things that friends do not do, I did not want to say no. so it wasn’t the usual “omg I can’t believe I’m dating my crush!” but more of a “I already did these things with this person and don’t want to let them down”. I had liked her but don’t know if I just forced these feelings because it felt like it wasn’t enough to commit. I’ve thought about it after our breakup and it made me feel like a horrible person. because I remember her asking with a bright smile what I thought when she asked me out & obviously I replied how I felt. she felt sad afterwards and it made me feel bad. it wasn’t even after but halfway during our relationship, I felt like maybe it’s not what I wanted. maybe it was and I was just scared being with a girl. I did notice an increase of preference for guys and told her that. again, she was not happy and I understand that. hearing stuff like this from your partner will then make them insecure about the relationship. she would then ask me questions for reassurance and I would answer. in the end, again, it never worked. 3. when I first found out, it was when I was pretty much in denial. but I did have a period of thinking about women only and never of men. then recently it switched and now I just think of men and never really about women. it’s like my interest in women has died. 4. imo, attraction would be wanting to be with a person and seeing a future with them. I feel like that was not the case for my first relationship. although, I did see a future with her. it’s very bizarre and just don’t feel like questioning myself more about it. it just happened, maybe I might not be willing to date women. but I do feel some sexual attraction. the romantic side seems pretty much dead. sorry for the long post but I hope this was easy to read
@veinsoul Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your view of attraction seems to place an emphasis on romantic attraction and emotional attachment which is perfectly valid. And I don’t think your post was long at all. As I commented, sometimes I wonder if my attraction to the opposite sex is purely aesthetic, but then I think to recent examples that indicate that may not be the case. Do you have any thoughts on this?
@Anonymous hmmm…could u explain the question in deeper detail? I’m sorry, I sometimes have trouble understanding some things. I apologize for my slowness.
@veinsoul I think it’s more that I explained the question very poorly, you are fine. So, basically, I found this thing on aesthetic vs “physical” attraction, which creates certain doubts in my head that my attraction to the opposite sex is purely aesthetic, what if I don’t actually want to be with them, etc. I still check women out but it’s not like sexual thoughts will just pop up in my head automatically. So that’s why I keep wondering, is it all aesthetic. The reason why I lean towards it not being purely aesthetic is that there are still recent examples that where I felt arousal such as when I’m on a date, or the time I was having lunch with my friend/crush from college a few months ago and got aroused when she told me that she would visit me. There’s also that my sexual dreams have and still do involve the opposite gender, even if they sometimes also involve the same and non-binary people. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this.
@Anonymous so sorry this is days late…. hmm…I would say that attraction is fluid. could be sexual, romantic, or both. u can be on the romantic side and not rlly care abt sexual. or the other way around. either way, it’s attraction. I do feel you on the “what if I don’t want to be with them.” currently going through that rn with women. not that I’m dating anyone let alone a woman, but just questioning my sexuality. I did have a thought of a woman flirting in some type of way to me & I was kinda fangirling inside haha. but when I think of a man, I feel much more intensity. maybe because I’ve never dated one. don’t know, but I know I’m attracted to masculinity (in a way.) so far, all I know now is that I fantasize being with a guy & jus kick my feet smiling. women don’t come into the picture anymore. I have a feeling like I have a very strong preference for men. or maybe I just want to date only men but still feel attraction towards women. sometimes I look at men I find handsome & go “wow.” I don’t fantasize dating them but rather just think they’re attractive. other times I wish I looked like them. taller, masculine, stronger, etc. I feel like that’s another thing I gotta deal with myself, I dunno. I’m not gonna deny that I enjoy (TMI) sexual relations with a woman. only had 1 experience & I have liked it. so that’s what let me know I’m bi. others can find out by dating & having romance. anyway, sexuality is pretty much confusing. being honest, I prefer having no label as I am just me. trying to think “am I straight, bi, les” blah blah will just stress me. I have just accepted that it is fluid for me and whatever I feel attracted at the moment will be. only doubt about that is my fear of attraction changing while dating. hopefully not. happened in my first relationship which was a chick & felt male leaning in the middle of it. I tried with a chick and it didn’t work. maybe not the right chick or I don’t feel enough to date a woman. who knows? only I can find out. so I’ll just have to accept the uncertainty
@veinsoul Great answer! Since I’ve posted this, I’ve come to realize that my attraction to women is still definitely there lol I kinda just needed to chill out. I still get very aroused seeing a picture of a naked woman or fantasizing about one, so it’s definitely not just romantic attraction either. I guess part of my worry stemmed from biphobia that I had internalized. I kept seeing posts, including from gay people, saying bi guys are often in a transitory phase to being gay. But upon reflection on my physical reactions, my fantasies and dreams, and my feelings, I think bisexuality is the explanation that makes the most sense. The idea that I’m just gay would be dismissive of my feelings, which includes attraction to multiple genders.
@veinsoul I had mostly been asking whether you thought the arousal I felt in those situations would be indicative of genuine attraction but I guess only I can determine that. As my therapist said sexuality is not actually objective.
@veinsoul Although it’s frustrating explaining to people cuz then it makes it seem like my attraction to women is just romantic. But basically I do still get sexual thoughts and fantasies about women, they just aren’t verbal in my head and they don’t feel intrusive if that makes sense.
@Anonymous yep! I get ya. only you can determine how you feel. again, sexuality is fluid and you still have attraction to the opposite sex. I would just go with the flow. maybe in the future u will think differently now or remain the same. and even then, that is all ok! we’re all experiencing life for the first time, so being worried/confused/frustrated/etc. is normal. I am not a professional or anything so I don’t have good advice. but I am here, understanding your concerns. best of luck to u!
@veinsoul It’s the “maybe in the future u will think differently” that makes my OCD a lot worse, or the idea that I’m “confused.” It’s like whenever I feel confident in my bisexuality and want to move on with my life someone says that and I become stuck again.
@Anonymous I am sorry, it was not my intention to trigger your OCD :( I am not a licensed professional, so please void my response. I will take this interaction and reflect on my actions. I apologize for the inconvenience caused.
@veinsoul Well now I’m stuck again. Just to clarify, were you saying that whenever I got aroused on dates with women or while flirting with them, that wasn’t arousal?
@Anonymous I’m so sorry to hear that. No, I said that was attraction. I can say what I believe but I feel like that would classify as reassurance. I’m sorry, I’m not in the best mental state right now. I would like to say I’m sorry for my poor choice of words regarding my previous replies. I do not want to cause harm, so I will come back when I feel better, hopefully.
@veinsoul It’s okay and I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I hope you get better!
1) i always have doubts and im unsure a lot of the time what i actualy am 2)i try my best not to think about it 3)the attraction feels different as in with men it’s more like physical but with women it’s more romantic and im currently in love with a girl (she doesn’t know) and its the first time ive ever felt that way about anyone, ive only had 1 genuine crush on a guy but with her im in love her so i think i may be more romantically attracted to women and just in general more attracted to how they look but it changes all the time because before i discovered i was bi i was boy obsessed so it’s very confusing 😭 4)i think attraction feels like a magnet like in ur body like this girl im in love with it’s like a big magnet that’s pulling me towards her and like you just want to be with them and hold them and all the fuzzy feelings, like it feels like electricity. sorry if im bad at explaining but i hope this helps
@lily_07 Your explanation of attraction makes sense. Do you find that this attraction is instantaneous or does it take time to get to know the person first?
@Anonymous for me personally, most of the time i have to get to know the person first and connect with them somehow, but sometimes it can feel like that before i get to know them but i don’t really get crushes on people a lot, but when i do it’s REALLY intense like right now im in love with this girl and it might just be because of my situation rn but i can’t imagine loving a man atm
@lily_07 That makes sense honestly. For me when I like a girl and she likes me back, it feels like a flood of excitement. When I first started to think I’m bi, I had worried such as what if no woman will ever want to date me if I’m a bi guy, what if they’ll just assume I’m gay or ask lots of questions, what if subconsciously I am just gay, etc. So I started going on dating apps, and tbh I was starting to lose hope(I didn’t intend to put it in my profile but I have started to tell the women that I match with). I met a girl on tinder and we hit it off instantly. She would leave audio messages instead of texts and I found her voice attractive, two weeks in we meet in person and when I saw her I was like “what? She’s this hot???” Everything worked out well, but she was leaving the country for a year and had lots of plans to do other stuff, and she felt that if we kept talking we would grow way too attached, so it ended. I would say that was the most intense I’ve felt for someone romantically as an adult lol. And yet after all that I still get thoughts of “what if I’m just gay and not bi?”
@Anonymous i totally get you i feel similar although im a girl so i have the thought what if im just a lesbian and not bi because i’ve only felt really really strong romantically for one girl and in your situation it’s the ‘what if i’m just gay and not bi?’ and that’s what OCD will do it will keep asking what if questions for things you don’t want to be uncertain about but yeah how you felt with that girl is how i feel with this girl now like how you said their voice was attractive and things i totally get it like i get all warm and fuzzy and it’s such an indescribable amazing feeling
@lily_07 Yeah and then added to that, there’s the stereotype of bisexuality in men just being a phase on the way to being gay which unfortunately a lot of gay people say (it’s tough for women too). It gets complicated because I’ll wonder “am I just assuming im attracted to the opposite gender? Am I stairstepping?” You start to internalize these doubts. It’s hard too because I’ve been noticing that with men I’ll get all kinds of weird intrusive thoughts but with women I’ll just be checking them out. When I reflect on it though it still seems im not gay because of the example I mentioned to you, and also what I told the other commenters (the time my crush said she’d visit me and I got immediately aroused). My sexual and romantic dreams still involve multiple genders. And also the fact that there’s no one way to be bi.
yes all the freakin time!!! sometimes ill get stressed and my thoughts will be like, "oh youre lying, youre actually straight and youre forcing yourself to like girls" or there are other times where they'll be like "actually youre a lesbian, youre forcing yourself to like guys" :( i feel like the attraction to multiple genders feels about the same, in my opinion, i get equally nervous around anyone i like. idk i feel like attraction for me is getting to know them and really liking everything about them, even what they consider "flaws", and just wanting to be with that person (physically, emotionally, sexually, etc)
Hi everyone, Lately, I’ve been feeling confused and anxious about my sexuality, which has been challenging to navigate. I’ve always identified as straight and am currently in a happy relationship with my boyfriend. However, I’ve recently started questioning if I might have some attraction to women, which has caused me a lot of anxiety. To be clear, I’ve never experienced romantic or physical attraction toward women in real life, but I have watched lesbian porn in the past. Now, I can’t help but worry that this might mean I’m attracted to women after all. On top of this, I’ve noticed a decrease in my sexual desire for my boyfriend, which only intensifies my concerns about both my sexual orientation and my relationship. This confusion is something I’ve never dealt with before, and it’s starting to take an emotional toll. If anyone has experienced something similar, I would really appreciate any advice or insights on how you worked through it. What helped you find clarity? Someone mentioned that my anxiety might be OCD-related, though I’m not familiar with OCD in this context. I’d love to hear from anyone with experience in navigating these kinds of thoughts or anxiety. I’m open to any personal stories, resources, or guidance on how to approach this situation, both for myself and in communication with my partner. I want to better understand what I’m feeling without being overwhelmed by fear. Thank you in advance for your support!
Hi everyone, Lately, I’ve been feeling confused and anxious about my sexuality, which has been challenging to navigate. I’ve always identified as straight and am currently in a happy relationship with my boyfriend. However, I’ve recently started questioning if I might have some attraction to women, which has caused me a lot of anxiety. To be clear, I’ve never experienced romantic or physical attraction toward women in real life, but I have watched lesbian porn in the past. Now, I can’t help but worry that this might mean I’m attracted to women after all. On top of this, I’ve noticed a decrease in my sexual desire for my boyfriend, which only intensifies my concerns about both my sexual orientation and my relationship. This confusion is something I’ve never dealt with before, and it’s starting to take an emotional toll. If anyone has experienced something similar, I would really appreciate any advice or insights on how you worked through it. What helped you find clarity? Someone mentioned that my anxiety might be OCD-related, though I’m not familiar with OCD in this context. I’d love to hear from anyone with experience in navigating these kinds of thoughts or anxiety. I’m open to any personal stories, resources, or guidance on how to approach this situation, both for myself and in communication with my partner. I want to better understand what I’m feeling without being overwhelmed by fear. Thank you in advance for your support!
The thoughts still exist. For the last couple months I’ve been able to say I don’t care and lean into the comfort of being uncertain. Im having a tough time with some things personally right now and guess what decides to show up… Anyways, I’ve been trying to get used to the fact that maybe I’m bisexual with a romantic preference for men (I’m married and love my husband) but when you start going through your compulsions it’s soooo easy for everything to blur out. To my knowledge I’ve never had a crush on a woman but I’ve most definitely watched same sex porn and have thought women are hot and beautiful, then come the thoughts about comp het and how I’ve never been an overly sexual person so that MUST mean something. Ugh idk, just looking for someone to chat with I guess!
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