Panicking. I need help. Repost

guys im feeling a lot of anxiety right now and l'm very scared. I was searching on reddit on how to disable automatic download for stickers, and while I was in there I found a thread about someone issuing the problem of telegram automatically downloading all media like stickers, images, videos, gifs in the gallery. This activated a horrible trigger in me because I have this horrible memory of someone in telegram sending out of nowhere an explicit illegal **** gif in a groupchat related to minecraft, then I think he deleted afterwards, but I'm not sure if that changed anything. It traumatized me but I had forgotten quickly because I was so young, I was around 13 or less. Now that I developed pocd for a while I started remembering all the past including this, and it triggers me more than anything because it's something real that happened and I can't tolerate it being a part of my memory, that it's something "saved" in my brain" and the fact my eyes saw something like that even though it wasn't my fault makes me feel complicit. Now l'm stressing because "what if my phone automatically downloaded that gif in my gallery without me knowing?" l've already searched on my phone and the previous one and I found nothing, but that it's because they are not the phones that I had when that thing happened. I actually don't know what phone I used. I'm panicking, The old phone doesn't charge, the other one that I think was around that time is not here anymore and I should ask my father but I can't talk to him anymore because he discovered my self harm scars and is abroad. This is not anymore a matter of sitting through distress and letting uncertainty be, this is something that could be real and destroy me. I can't live like this, I have to know for sure that there is nothing like that in my galleries I don't know what to do. I wonder why that dude had to sent something so horrible and ruin my life. I can't practice erp with something like this, and I can't continue living with the uncertainty that there could be something illegal downloaded without my consent in my old phones. I don't know what to do. Yersterday was also very triggering, and now today. I also have to study for a difficult test tomorrow, everything is against me. I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with ocd all of these years alone but everytime I make a step forward ocd sets me back two before. Please help me deal with this situation Somebody.

Ranger_867

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Hey there! We are all with you. I’m not going to reassure you - because you know that only helps for a short while. But, I can tell you that I’m dealing with something very similar… for the past year. My OCD is fixated on someone in my community that likes to destroy peoples’ lives and reputations. My OCD worries that they will come after me and destroy my life too (we used to be associates and used to message each other). The 💩 of it…maybe, maybe not. I know that’s not what you want to hear. But, we all have to lean into it. Maybe this person will say lies about me…maybe people will believe them…maybe they destroy my reputation. Maybe not. So, tell yourself: if and when, I’ll deal with it. It’s still accepting uncertainty. There is no certainty with anything.

ivefailed.

Date posted: 1y

I relate to the part of lies and people believe it. The event I talked about is about another group around 2018. In 2021 I left an another telegram groupchat because I realised those people who I thought were friends started making jokes about having in possession illegal material, and at that time I had a strong devolping moral scrupolosity ocd, so I left saying that I didn't want to be associated with them anymore. In summer I returned to the groupchat because I was bored to find my "friends", but when I entered someone that had misinterpreted the reason I had previously left and because he remembered uncorrectly, said in a message that I had left because I had illegal material when it wasn't true at all. When I saw that message I panicked, my worst fear had become true, being accused of something that I didn't do, and that something being the worst crime of all. I tried to tell him that it wasn't true but I was so panicked that I didn't defend myself convincingly. I was so panicked that instead of saying that I left because I didn't want to be associated with people who made **** jokes I made a lie in the spot saying that I had anime hentais and wanted to make a whole new account to clear it, which wasn't true and sounded absurd. Those messages haunted me for about 3 ears in which I fully developed pocd and it ruined my life to the point that I started self harming, but I stopped. I've been in a good place for a while but intrusive thoughts, images, triggering memories, triggering episodes and the many manifestations of pocd keep me from leading a normal life.

Ranger_867

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Nameless000 Are you actively in therapy? Has a doctor given you medication?

ivefailed.

Date posted: 1y

@Joey_867 i had a psychiatrist diagnose me with ocd because i told him i had it, he gave me sertraline and that didnt work, he seemed to know an overall knowledge of it but didnt know a thing on how to approach it. Made me feel worse. I should probably seek a therapist but it's rare to find one with ocd/cbt experience. Also to open up about my traumas and the taboo nature of my theme all over again would be a draining experience

Ranger_867

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Nameless000 I get it, but if you find the right meds it can help a lot. My ocd was severe, today it’s manageable. I can work, study, function, laugh, etc. I would highly recommend you keep trying!

ivefailed.

Date posted: 1y

@Joey_867 what meds did he prescribe you?

Ranger_867

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Nameless000 I take Luvox (250mg daily) and Buspar (7.5mg 3x daily).

Lulu~

Date posted: 22w

Shut up and dance with me - Black mirror. Help pls

Hello, so I’m currently spiralling so so so bad and I want someone to help me and tell me what to do rn. I have dyslexia so there might be some misspelling 3 months ago I read a manga that triggered my POCD to start The manga was cute, I enjoyed it tbh, but it had pedophilic themes (idk why I continued on to read it?!) and in the end it got quite sexual. I was sick while reading it so sadly I don't have much memories. Anyways afterwards I read some comments about how this was smth only pedos like. And since then, intense POCD. Stopped eating, isolated nyself, tried to commit multiple of times and called 991 on myself too. I kept on going about and thinking if I wanted smth sexual to happen, I know I thought there would be a time jump. And thought that something sexual might have happened then. But I can't stop doubting myself or thinking "what if I liked it when it started to get sexual" and the memories of such feel so real that I can't ignore them. I've never ever enjoyed CP before, or manga with SA (honestly I don't enjoy smut much overall, but they're pretty common in romance mangas) but if it has sexual themes and the characters look like kids/are kids/a weird age gap ect. I drop it, but idk why I didn't drop this one. Then I realised that I had never been attracted to kids, and this scenario doesnt have to mean that I am a pedophile. I also have ALOT of trauma around pedophilia (CSA survivor, started making CP as a coping mechanism. It ruined my childhood and took loads of cptsd therapy to stop relapsing.) And I didn’t have a spiral for weeks, I did epr fully and thought I had finally figured out a way to ignore the intrusive thoughts. Nope lol, today I was insanely bored and decided to watch black mirror. “Shut up and dance” I knew that there was an episode that I had been warned about being triggering bht naive like I tend to be I watched it. And now I’m deeply spiralling again. I’m so tired T_T

melissag

Date posted: 11w

Can’t take it anymore help

A couple of days ago I felt asleep on the coach, and it was 12:50 am when I woke up, so I had to go to my room which is in the other floor (my room is in the first floor and the living room is in the second floor, the architecture is weird but my house is a duplex apartment), in order to go to my room I had to walk through the hallway and my 12-year old brother’s room is nearby, so I felt a lot of anxiety and I was recording a video as proof that I didn’t do anything wrong, the problem is my video wasn’t sent, so I didn’t have proof, reassurance, but I still went downstairs to get to my room, I don’t know what to do, frankly I don’t wanna continue, please can someone help me, I think this is false memory ocd and sexual ocd, but please please help me, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t study I can’t focus on Anything else but this, and my mind really thinks I have done something to my brother, that I have raped him or that I have sexually abused him, I seriously can’t stop thinking about that, and whenever I focus on something else, my mind tells me that I shouldn’t focus on anything else because how can I? “If you rape your little brother you shouldn’t focus on something else” and my mind also thinks that I shouldn’t stop thinking about this because If I stopped my memories could become blurry or could seem like very far away memories, and I wanna have clear memories. Please please help me , I honestly don’t wanna go on, don’t wanna live anymore. I live in Peru, so there are not many expert therapists about ocd or false memory/ sexual ocd, please help

False Memory OCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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Panicking. I need help. Repost

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