Im sotired

I have been nervous about flying since I am going on a trip tomorrow and the thought of turbulence has unnerved me but I have been doing ok with that thought and slowly getting used to it. I have been looking at videos and articles explaining turbulence and what it is and why it happens and I have been feeling better about it. I go to bed and I am definitely tired. I am at that stage where I am falling asleep but still awake and all of a sudden I get a random anxiety hit feeling and a accompanying thought of "I wanna die!". I immediately wake up like I was just fighting for my life and I keep repeating the thoughts over and over wondering if that's what I want or something. I sort of calm down and try to sleep but now I am getting random thoughts from tv shows, music lyrics, and scenes from said shows playing in a random order. Feels like I am losing it and I can't focus. I am afraid I am having some psychosis or something which increases my anxiety. Any help or insight would be appreciated. I have had Suicidal OCD thoughts before but this one sort of hit different since I was partially asleep.

For the last week, I have gotten little sleep. The first 3 or 4 days, I would lay on the couch shaking, having like full body jerks, exhausted but laying there with my eyes closed all night. Tossing and turning for hours and maybe slept a total of 30-60 minutes very broken up through the night. The last few days, I'll feel a bit better and try to go to sleep and wake up 45-60 minutes later or an hour and a half later it I'm lucky, before everything floods back. I get jerky and shaky, my stomach has a pit, I feel that dread, anger, anxiety, and I'll be tossing and turning again with bits where I fall asleep for 20-40 minutes maybe 2-4 times through the entire night and morning. It's driving me insane. It's scary that I can't sleep much and when I do, it feels like torture and I'll have nightmares for the little bits I do get.

Every night I can't go to sleep unless it's 4 in the morning. If I lay in bed before hand I will not sleep. If I lay in bed and wait until 4 am I will not sleep. If I try to sleep earlier, I will not sleep. I haven't slept the entire night because I just wanted to try and relax and not play video games until 4 AM. I can't sleep because my mind won't let me. I tried deep breathing in bed and that didn't work. What did work at one point is doing it at 10pm and sort of being able to sleep a few hours ahead. I forget why I stopped doing that other than a relapse from anxiety. I can't help but dread sleep now. When it's time to go to sleep that's when I'm most anxious now.