ROOCD SOOCD GUILT , need help, feeling down .

Me ( M29) and my Ex GF ( F27 ) 5 year relationship . Since the beginning of our relationship, my gf lived me with through her college years ,she did not pay rent , or for any meal. I’ve always made good money and bought her whatever she wanted , and we went on the best vacations . Her love language is acts of service ( gifts , thoughtfulness, etc) . I always felt connection issues, emotionally neglected in our communication style ( I’m very affectionate and she would never really want to cuddle or anything ). I hated going to bed angry at each other which I verbally communicated , she would not listen and go sleep on the couch and not talk to me . This led to me being verbally abusive in some ways , in arguments id say things like “ I’m leaving you , I don’t want to do this anymore “ but then I’d apologize . . This was a few years ago and I grew as a person within our relationship and became a very loving and attentive partner as I always have. A couple years ago , my GF spent a whole night out and was hanging with a bartender she met out and came home and told me she needed a break . This was the start of my OCD in a lot of ways because She lied to me about talking to someone else after I asked her multiple times and she finally told me the truth . I started questioning who I was at this point and my Sexual orientation because of all the pain I felt and I felt like I caused her to act this way. I came to my senses the following morning and told her she had to move out . She cried and begged to my mother after I would not pick up the phone . I ultimately decided to let her back in and she PROMISED me she would not go back to the bar where the guy works. Fast forward two weeks after that , one of my friends saw her at the same bar and I would have never known if he had not saw her there . She lied to me by going back there and then she lied again by saying that the bartender was not there and she just went in there “ to use the bathroom.” I kept talking to this girl and she still continued to live with me. She even said she wanted an open relationship at one point and called that same guy to come over the house to do you know what . Our arguing got worse as time went on and she broke up with me again and told me “ I need time to think and collect myself and of course I want to get back together with you.” We were still hanging out everyday even though she moved out and got a sublease for 2 months. Come to find out she was hanging out with me during the day time and going back to her house to hang out with a new dude she met ( a barber ). She told me we were single and we could do whatever we wanted . Mind you I took this girl to the Cayman Islands during this time . I even saw text messages of her texting the dude “ I miss you” etc . We happened to run into the guy while we were out and she asked me if she could give him a hug and say hello to him in front of me . She even got mad at me for getting mad at her for asking me that question. She wrote me a letter saying sorry and that she loved me and all that. I got suckered in again and still kept hanging out with her . I ended up sleeping with one of her friends friends at the time , and she made me feel like such a bad person for it . That friend at the time of hers she met through me and they are no longer friends. Come to find out , my girlfriend had had a sexual relationship with a football coach she met out before I even did what I did and she was not even going to tell me until I found out . She continued to write me letters saying sorry and how we could rebuild trust . Fast forward to this year we have been broken up for some time but started to rekindle our relationship. The whole past 6 months she has been talking to another dude while talking to me and breadcrumbing me during Thanksgiving and christmas . She even lied to me on my birthday and said she fell asleep while she was actually hanging out with the other dude . I blocked her number and went through a massive transformation. I started hitting the gym praying and meditating . Got in the best shape of my life and used everything as fuel . She recently showed up at my door after a month crying and begging and even threatening to commit suicide . She even told me she had not spoken to the guy she was seeing for 3 months . Come to find out she spoke to the guy 3 weeks ago. She lied again . She said because I told her this wouldn’t work that’s why she reached out to him . I keep breaking up and getting back with her and arguing and mentioning the past still and I feel horrible. Did my ways cause her to cheat and lie repeatedly ? Looking back I got manipulated this time into taking her back and now when we talk I can’t stop mentioning the past and what she did . My OCD has flared up and all the insecurities and self work I did when I blocked her all went to none and I feel like I’m starting back at square one . I feel like I started the relationship with her since the beginning because of my insecurities . I feel betrayed , I feel like a control freak and everything above . What did I do to deserve her lying? Am I being too controlling? Just need help and advice from all this mess. She recently texted me and told me I would never hear from her again after she typed a lengthy explanation of why she texted the other guy . I never lied nor cheated on her but I feel like I lied since the beginning because I felt deep down she was never really my soul mate because of her non affection. After I always told her I needed more affection and communication and maturity . I’m not a gift giver but I always showered her with gifts , Prada shoes and trips . She always writes letters and cries and comes back and says sorry but it seems like I push her away. She has forgiven me for my transgressions but I can’t come to forgive her for here . Maybe it’s because she lied and cheated ? Maybe this is my OCD talking , because I clearly love her if I am this distraught . Why is it so hard for me to move on this time when I did it before by blocking her and working on myself? I feel guilty for the way I treated her early on . Just need some support and advice . Thank you All for those who have made it this far and GOD bless you all.