Out of my mind terrified about being a pedophile

My brain is attacking itself again to the point I am sobbing and hyperventilating. I am genuinely so terrified of being a pedophile I’ve been ruminating over things from my childhood and the intrusive thoughts I’ve had. I don’t want to be a pedophile, I am a victim of CSA and do not want to be anything like my abusers. I was groomed, sexually assaulted, and harassed by adults when I was a child. What if I turn out like them? What if they were subconsciously a role model. My POCD latches onto anything. My partner is almost 2 years younger than me, I like kids shows, I like stuffed animals, etc. What if that means I’m a pedophile? What if it means I’m a monster? I am so out of my mind scared. All I can do is shake and sob violently from this fear and disgust.

Username: Wolfram Wolfram

Date posted: 27w ago

Lots of people go through this with this theme. Your brain adapted to fear to protect you and your core values. Understand the adaption. You've already accepted its ocd. From what you've learned about ocd, how would you deal with this? If this was someone else, how would you tell them to deal with it?

Username: BwillbebetterBwillbebetter

Date posted: 27w ago

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I also suffer from intrusive thoughts on this topic and I know how disturbing it is. Think about the "good" side of this suffering, if it causes you so much stress and anxiety, it is very likely that you are not, that in fact, that is the last thing you would do. Intrusive thoughts and OCD are egodystonic and if it affects you so much that you panic, it's because you don't agree with anything you think. I know it's easier said than done, but try to be easier on yourself, I also like cartoons and "childish" things that remind me of my childhood and that's okay. I hope you feel better soon, I managed to get better, you will too!

Username: Taffylee04Taffylee04

Date posted: 27w ago

I struggle with this a lot, as a 20 yo girl who has been through CSA too it’s extremely difficult and I’m starting to feel like I’m going insane. I’ve told my boyfriend about my pocd and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but he was so understanding and has been helping me try to find a therapist and work on figuring out what my triggers are. I struggle with other types of ocd too as well. I hope you know you aren’t alone and you will get through it!!!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 27w ago

I'm sorry to hear that. I hear you, and I'm here to listen :)

Username: MalisimoMalisimo

Date posted: 27w ago

Remember you being a pedophile is not the problem, you trying to solve this is the problem. There is nothing to solve here. Ruminating on this can only increase your anxiety. You are anticipating an inability to cope in the FUTURE, you are completely fine right now. The moment you stop trying to figure this out you will be free or the anxiety and suffering. Am I a pedophile is not a question that needs an answer. By asking it and trying to answer it you are actively scaring yourself, sabotaging yourself. If you have not engaged in pedophilia or are not in this exact moment doing this act, then you do not need to solve this.

Username: jelly

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

POCD

Username: Tyr

Date posted: 2y ago

Im sorry for a long post but I'm very scared Prior to few weeks ago I didn't have any sexual thoughts regarding children EVER, and if I did then I really can't remember. But ever since I started worrying about the possibility that I might be attracted to them, I just felt severely awful. And it's getting worse and worse overtime. What started as just me worrying that I might be attracted to kids has now turned into a deep belief that there is a very dark and real part of me that is, in fact, a pedophile. I even started having intrusive but pleasurable fantasies about children and it's driving me absolutely sick. I really wish that it's just a very extreme form of POCD and not actually me turning into a monster, but with each passing day my hope is fading away, replaced with pure disgust in myself and unwillingness to live like this. Has anyone here ever went through something similar?

POCD

Username: jharbi

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm scared that I could be a pedo. (Pocd)

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

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Out of my mind terrified about being a pedophile

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