I’ve always liked boys and in fact I’m in love with one now. But I keep having these thoughts that are like “you are gay, don’t deny it” and I keep repeating to myself that I’m not but now I don’t know if I am or not since it feels soooooo real. I keep having this images in my head about me being with a girl and I get this uncomfortable feeling. But I loss almost all my attraction towards men and that scares me so much. Then my head starts being like “you like girls and you would enjoy it” but I don’t want that. I try to fight but they are too strong and I feel like I’m never going to be happy. I’m so depressed all the time and I just want to go back to not thinking about this. Now it just feels weird imagining myself with a guy and that I’d terrifying. Is this ocd or is it real??

It’s OCD, hun. We have many thoughts in a day. Our brain is trying to protect us from danger so it’s always throwing thoughts at us to see which one will stick and seems dangerous. It seems like the thought that you’ve picked as dangerous is if you’re gay or not. I just want to let you know, you’re not alone. We all have these scary thoughts but they are nothing more than just thoughts. They are not reality and can not harm us.

Feeling uncomfortable with these thoughts and always being attracted to boys before and even during ocd shows that you’re straight (although no problem if you’re not either). I think your current lack of interest or ‘attraction’ to men is because your mental state is so low from ocd, that you’ve just lost general interest in pursuing anything with men or even ‘fancying them’ if you get what I mean? Like when people are depressed they lose interest in hobbies and lack concentration for things so I feel that’s why you’ve lost that and your ocd is feeding on that to further make you believe this lack of attraction means you like girls’. You will be happy again, it’s a long, extremely tiring road with many ups and downs but you’ll get there! Keep trying to push yourself to let the thoughts happen and just accept they’re just thoughts and let them slip by as much as you can

From a non ocd expert persons pov I probably shouldn’t be reassuring you as that furthers the ocd cycle and I should be advising you to sit with the anxiety and do exposures/challenges but as someone with ocd, although not SOOCD, I can reassure you that you’re not gay from what you’re telling me. It’s very clear you are straight and are attracted to men and your head/intrusive thoughts are making you doubt yourself. If you are in love with this guy you should try and pursue things and just let the intrusive thoughts happen and try to ignore the anxiety and retract from doing behaviours that would ease it. Ocd is fucking horrible, seriously fucks me off when people use it to describe their perfectionism for co-ordination and shit! If only they knew the torment we go through with all this guilt, anxiety, doubt etc!

It sounds 100% OCD and once you get more into therapy and gain more understanding and knowledge of ocd you’ll get a self acceptance of the fact you have ocd and you’ll feel so happy because you’ll no longer care about people thinking you’re weird or not understanding because you understand it yourself! Obviously there’ll be dips in this self acceptance, I too go through stages where I go back to my old ways of thinking that I’m a weirdo and I am what my thoughts try to make me believe that I am but once I’m out of the dip I have control again

Yeah they feel super real and make you feel so anxious and awful and feel like they’re taking over but the more you expose yourself to the thoughts and sit with the anxiety and just let them subside the easier it will become and then eventually you’ll become happier and then your attraction and crushes will come back. I think atm they’re gone because you’re too anxious and low to feel happy and be able look at a guy in a romantic way. It will come back though hunny! Have you sought any therapy or medications to help reduce the anxiety and enhance your mood to help you deal with all of this?

Your heart and body are your emotions and feelings and your thoughts are intrusive, unwanted thoughts that are uncontrolled by you. If your body is not attracted to them and your heart doesn’t have feelings for them but your mind is saying you do it’s ocd making you doubt yourself, not you. A little mantra I use is ‘it’s ocd not me’ when thoughts get too much, almost to like ground myself and remind me that it’s my irrational mental health condition causing this massive stress and angst and it’s not me

I totally get what you mean, a while back I did lots of posts because I was going through a hard time and really just needed some support from people that’d understand but unfortunately they got removed as they said I was seeking reassurance. I wasn’t doing it to continue my ocd cycle I just needed a bit of support and positivity so I could get the strength to fight the thoughts again! You will get there hunny, therapy is such a help, it takes time but stick with it and I’m always here if you need or want a chat!

I know the feeling! For years I didn’t have therapy or anyone that understood and was always put down for my irrationalities and seen as weird and it was so hard! Therapies helped me almost accept myself a bit more and understand that it’s ocd and not me and that it’s not other peoples faults for not understanding and for making me feel the way I did and having this app with people who feel and experience the same is such a help! I’m assuming your experience may be similar with people getting annoyed with you? You will feel happy again hunny, I am certain!

I wish you all the best ☺️