anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

SOCD overwhelmed

I’ve been struggling with what i think i’d SOCD for the past 2 almost 3 years. It has fluctuated at times and it has become almost like a second way of thinking that it doesn’t phase me as much anymore. When i first started experiencing it i was in my first healthy relationship in my first year of uni. I was going through a great patch with my mental health but i did spend a lot of time on my own because i struggled to make friends. One day i woke up and i was just spiralling in thought of oh my god im gay and i have been this whole time. I couldn’t be around anyone and i wasn’t coherent. i was living in my head constantly and nothing made me feel better. My relationship began to crumble as my mental health deteriorated so badly. Then i stumbled across a reddit post after constantly searching google for answers of how i could feel so strongly for my partner both mentally and physically and now i could feel nothing at all. I came across something about HOCD and it gave me the first wave of relief. As someone who was in relationships since they were young and i was both mentally and physically attracted to them, there were other things that were validating this spiral of thought. After losing my relationship my distraction was attached into the relationship i was mourning and i would ruminate about how upset i was over it. The relationship didn’t fully cut ties and i still felt all the love. Fast forward 2 years and we have gotten back together. But now the relationship is more stable again, i find myself spiralling and checking myself to see it i am a lesbian and i’ve been in denial this whole time. I don’t feel as anxious about jt as i recognise my thought pattern but i am really stressed about it. I don’t wanna ruin this relationship again as it destroyed me the first time. I constantly check if i’m attracted the a women eveytime i scroll in my FYP and feel as though i’m convincing myself to be attracted to the men i see on it. I feel like i’ll never know the truth of how i’m feeling and it’s debilitating. i feel like i’m a fraud and that i’m faking everything but it’s also all i’ve ever known. I’ve tried to come to terms with bisexuality, that doesn’t scare me but my brain keeps saying ur a lesbian ur a lesbian and i cant settle it. I don’t wanna come out jusst to realise it wasn’t real. what do i do?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

This is exactly what happened to me. I was long distance with my boyfriend and just woke up one day to the fear I was gay. I had a hard time in college making friends due to my anxiety as well. I’ve lost my ability to feel attracted to him since but I love him and have for years before this started and try to remind myself OCD attacks what you care most about. Therapy and medicine has really helped me but I still struggle daily. You are not alone!

anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous does you’re attraction to him ever fluctuate where some days you feel like you’re coping and other days it feels like it’s all you can think about?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@anonysheis Yes and it’s especially hard in intimate moments. It’s like I’m fighting my brain to try and focus on him and the more I try, the more intrusive thoughts come up and it makes it difficult to enjoy.

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 1y

I feel exactly like this and it’s had having this with in a relationship

anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous yeah but i don’t wanna ruin my relationship again. it’s functioning the second time round but as soon as i’m on my own again it feels like none of it was real or like i’ll have intrusive thoughts when i’m with him and i have to pretend it’s all normal

anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous i would love to hear what you’re going through too!

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 1y

@anonysheis I had hocd when I was 14/15 for a year or so and then it went away and I got into a serious relationship when I was 18 (the one I’m still in now) and when I was 20 and a half (last July) hocd came back an I’ve had flare ups on and off since last July but so much harder now I’m older and in a serious relationship, more reason to ‘figure it out’ and now I’m having regular sex when I was 14/15 I wasn’t that’s harder too because I get intrusive thoughts and lose my sex drive a lot from it

anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous mine is the exact same. I’m now 21 and it feels like whenever i go to have sex with my partner my brain is like you hate this and you’re faking it cus your gay but sex used to be a very enjoyable aspect of our relationship. the intrusive thoughts has made my sex drive so low because i’m scared it’ll reveal things to me

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 1y

@anonysheis Omg ur literally describing how I feel too!!

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 1y

@anonysheis Does ur boyf know about ur theme?

anonysheis

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous no i’m worried he won’t understand and almost see it as an excuse. he understood the very basics of mental health like depression and anxiety and he knows how to deal with my dips in my mental states but he doesn’t really know what OCD is or the themese

Nicolas:)

Date posted: 1y

Yeah coming out actually doesnt help, I did, I felt relief for like 20min and the the thoughs just came back

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 15w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

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