ROCD engagement :(

Hi all, I’m having a spike in my ROCD and am just going to vent but am open to comments / helpful words as well :) I’ve been experiencing ROCD for about a year now, been living with my fiancee (M) and love him to death. I picture having his babies, I can’t wait to marry him, I’m excited for our future together and see myself being really happy with him. However, y’all know how it is when you get triggered. It makes me feel like I’m behind a clear shower curtain staring at the world through a wall of my own emotions that I can’t poke through and get out of, but can see through. Then I’ll randomly snap out of it (maybe from spinning to the point of numbness) and feel fine and happy and content. It’s hard because we’re engaged and we’re set to get married at the end of the year. So the whole “don’t make a decision yet, give it 6 months” won’t work because we’re getting married in 6 months 😂 I love him. I just question a lot of things and need absolute certainty all the time. I’m learning that I can be a very black and white thinker and take things very literally, so that probably ties into it too. I just want to be normal again. I feel the most guilt ever when I get into these ruminations, and wonder if he deserves better— someone who knows what they want and can be with him and not feel how I feel sometimes. Lately I’ve been hyperfixated on if I actually want to settle down and have kids or if that’s just what we’re trained to think, so what if I travel the world instead …….(but we can travel together so, what? lol) Or I went to a baseball game and had the thought of maybe I wanna date a baseball player …..(I don’t even like baseball!😂) Add being religious into that mix, and then it becomes “well what if GOD doesn’t want me with him and is trying to force me to leave??” So then I pray “god, if you don’t want me with this man, show me please!!!” And 3 hours later my man surprised me with flowers and a hand written note professing his love for me. But then it’s back to the spin cycle days later. I’m in OCD / trauma therapy and for the first time today, I spiraled before my therapy appointment, and was able to explain how that felt to her. Then I mentioned the guilt behind planning a wedding while feeling like this (she knows we’re engaged) and she said “you know, this is the first time you’ve mentioned the wedding in the entirety of our appointments” and THAT is making me spiral because I don’t know what she means by that! Am I supposed to be talking about the wedding to my therapist? I don’t know? Anyways, I don’t know yall. I don’t want to leave and I want to see this through and marry the man I’ve loved for so many years, but sometimes I get wrapped up in the mess of all of it. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I don’t want to even leave my bed because I’m so bummed and sad. Thanks for reading.

AugustDean

Date posted: 1y

I really really hope this isn't offensive or triggering in anyway, but from a lot of what you described also sounds a lot like autism. If that is offensive, please tell me. I have aspergers and I've learned a lot about different parts of the spectrum and lots of different things to recognize. If you do have that, understanding it better and being able to work more with it as well as your OCD, could help tremendously

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@AugustDean Hey, no not offensive at all. I’ve thought about that before because I do feel like I take things literally, but I feel like it might be more of an anxiety thing, like my need for perfection makes me need to know exactly how to do everything perfectly and not mess up, you know what I mean?

AugustDean

Date posted: 1y

@Olivia2121 Yeah, I get that. That is very possible but also keep in mind, that like many other things, autism is like a backpack. You don't just get autism, it also comes with other things a lot of the time (not always, but more often than not) like anxiety, depression, perfectionism, or even ocd. Big signs of autism are: Taking things too literally Stimming (feet wiggles, hands moving, jumping, swirling, wiggling around; when excited or upset) Seeing things in black and white Overstimulation Has a lot of specifications Frustration when not understanding why someone else is reacting a certain way or feeling a certain way that you don't/wouldn't Struggling more to change your ways unless you truly understand why you need to Hyperfixations Not being a big fan of certain textures Not being the best with social cues And my god, so many others I promise that's not me saying you have those, but I just wanted to mention them. A lot of it also legit just sounds like OCD though. Again, please tell me if I'm being rude or offensive

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@AugustDean No you’re not being offensive at all! This is a space where we can all share and discuss, and I wouldn’t have posted if I wasn’t open to that :) That makes sense, I never thought about autism like that, but then again I never thought about OCD like this until I realized I had it 😂 who knows, maybe there’s some little bits of it in there. I’ve kinda just assumed it was a “just right” subtype, like things need to be and feel right for me to feel at peace with them. I’ve been considering medication to slow the thoughts down but I’m nervous about trying something and it worsening everything

AugustDean

Date posted: 1y

@Olivia2121 I appreciate the confirmation so much. And that's fair. I get it. I've been in a relationship with my partner for 8 years and known them for 12 but we're still not married because it doesn't feel right yet. I don't fully believe that relates with yours because mine is more due to, we're not stable (finances and living situation) and there's 3 VERY VERY big things that make our relationship hard to see through a longterm, but there's also countless big, medium, and small things that make it a desire to stay together for the rest of our lives. Medicine can be really helpful for a lot of things, but I definitely understand that fear. It took me 6 years to finally even attempt any kind of medicine. I still struggle. Sometimes I miss over a month to a couple months of meds because of how nervous, sometimes paranoid, or aggravated they make me. Medicine can be really stressful and at times feel uneeded. I feel the same way about things like birth control or other meds. I'm terrified of birth control making me suicidal tendencies a lot worse or my borderline moods way off the roofs. I used to also be terrified of meds making me numb because I felt like my diagnosis made up my personality and the person I was and I was scared that I'd be a completely different person entirely. I was wrong about that one. (I still haven't taken birth control but I might need to soon because of pcos and a lot of internal cysts)

AugustDean

Date posted: 1y

@AugustDean But meds can be very helpful. You got this. I believe in you!

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@AugustDean Thank you friend 🩷

AugustDean

Date posted: 1y

@Olivia2121 But of course

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

I’m so lost. Help me

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

jessmair

Date posted: 19w

Engaged with ROCD- insight needed

Longish post but please stick with me. Hi everyone. I’m just looking for a bit of insight and if anyone else has felt this. It may sound strange and I’ve not had the courage to ask this for a while…. So I’ve been with my partner (27M) for almost 3 years now, I’m (24F). He recently proposed which I was not expecting so soon. We always joked about it and when he said he looked at rings I was happy. I knew it was coming at some point but not so soon. When it happened it’s immensely triggered my ROCD. And I’m struggling with something in particular, I just want to know if anyone else has experienced it/ what the root cause could be so that I can work on it……. When he proposed it’s like my brain put a time stamp on our relationship. All of a sudden I’m counting the days of my relationship/how long I’ve been in one. It’s like my brain is “keeping track” of the amount of days/weeks that I have a relationship. It’s like my brain wants to be in a relationship for a very long time IMMEDIATELY, which is of course not possible. It’s like my brain is saying “you have to break up with him because you haven’t been together a while yet”. It makes it feel like time is going so slowly. I see couples together for 6/7years prior to my age/time and just think “how did they do it”? Same with married couples. It’s like I think “they’re lucky I wish I was at that many years already”. But at the same time, the thought of being with someone for a long time makes me feel anxious and sick and like I have to “escape” or “get out” urgently. I’ve struggled with this particularly for a month now and am just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or similar? Or can anyone offer insight into what this really could be deep down/root causes, as I REALLY want to figure out why and where it’s coming from. Sorry for the long post. Advice appreciated ❤️✨

Mariabae

Date posted: 18w

: I feel like I’m trapped in denial, confusion and guilt — I don’t know what’s real anymore

Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to put this into words, but I’ll try. I’ve been struggling with what I believe is ROCD for over a year and a half. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and for a long time now, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a mental fog or trance — a constant state of doubt, guilt, anxiety, and emotional numbness. I can’t tell what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think: “Maybe I never loved him. Maybe I’m just staying out of habit, or because I’m in denial.” Other times I feel devastated and overwhelmed because all I really want is to feel love, safety, and peace again with him. I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop questioning if I’m lying to myself or if I’m hurting him by staying. My family (especially my mom and dad) and even my therapist have told me things that increased my doubts — that I’m only lying to myself, that I’m not really in love, that I’ve been unhappy since the beginning and I should just end it so I don’t hurt him anymore. My mom keeps saying “it’s not too late to walk away.” But it doesn’t feel that simple for me. When he tells me how much pain he’s in, sometimes I feel… nothing. And then I hate myself for not feeling guilt or sadness in that moment. I wonder: “If I really cared, wouldn’t I feel something?” But I also feel like I’ve become emotionally numb — like my mind and body are shutting down to protect me from constant fear and inner conflict. What makes it even harder is that we’re supposed to take a trip together soon for my 18th birthday. And instead of feeling excited, I’m terrified that I’ll feel numb, anxious, and distant even on that day. That I’ll ruin it. That I won’t be able to enjoy anything. And then I feel even more broken for being scared of my own birthday. I’m so afraid that I’m living based on a false “should.” That I’m staying because I should stay. But when I think about leaving, I panic too. Nothing feels right. Nothing brings relief. I just want clarity. Peace. And to know that I’m not alone or broken. If anyone here has felt like this — please let me know. It would mean everything right now. Thank you for reading.

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