exposures

so I've been trying to do what my therapist said while she's on vacation for a few weeks and do some of my routine exposures. One of them is watching tv and not looking away when there is children on screen. I tried sitting through a preview of a shows first episode that featured a young girl in a Victorian outfit with blonde hair, and he had very ghostly white skin and powder pink lips. It was a ghost show, which is the kind of genre I usually like, so I wanted to try and enjoy the clip. And my therapist always told me to "not appraise the thoughts, our goal isn't to avoid them, but to let them pass" but as I kept watching, I kept getting mental voices telling me that "she's pretty you want to kiss her" and I felt almost frozen in my seat? I felt a kind of anxiety I haven't felt in years, but I tried to continue to watch the clip and let it pass, but I couldn't. I felt this mental need to go back and "check" to really be sure if I was attracted to her, I pictured kissing her and idk if it even counts as an intrusive thought atp? I felt like if I were to have the thought and then prove myself I was grossed out by pushing it away I would feel better, but it didnt. My brain just kept telling me that I wanted her and it was very much on purpose to test to see whether I felt that way or not and it did and I kept feeling that horrible form of anxiety that makes your face hot and I don't think I was really TRUELY attracted to her but it's like a fucked up twisted form of attraction that's false but feels real at the same time? Idk if that makes sense... idk, I'm trying my best but I feel like I NEED to think the thoughts, letting them pass isn't enough. Or like the thought will stick in my brain and it'll keep going like a mini movie playing in my head and it feels like almost like I'm fantasizing even though that isn't what I want to do. I feel like I have no choice but to push them away or else I'll have a horrible realization... idk... I've been struggling with this for 5 years now. I don't even know how to properly articulate how I feel in those moments it's so confusing that I don't know how to describe it to my therapist. How do people just lable their feelings on things so effortlessly? Why is it so hard for me? Idk I don't really want reassurance bc it won't help but I just want to feel like I'm not alone in this.

POCD

Username: heartkitten19heartkitten19

Date posted: 18w ago

this happens to me too. It’s really comforting oddly to see someone else go through the same thing. I think the over the top anxiety about it is what makes it clear that it’s OCD rearing its head. I do think that exposure is likely helpful in this scenario because if you avoid seeing children on screen it will likely bring stronger anxious thought in the future when it happens! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m a young girl in my 20s so it’s very jarring

Username: 💟💟

Date posted: 18w ago

omg thank you, I'm in my 20s too and it's so hard. It really just feels like I am a pedophile a lot of the time, you know? I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm happy we aren't alone

Username: StephennhStephennh

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w ago

Congratulate yourself for even turning the show on. That’s still a huge step. I think POCD is most uncomfortable when it knows that we’re trying to beat it. I know the feeling exactly though, the hot face and stomach. It’s awful, but I look at it as progress now. It’s OCD’s defense mechanism to stop you from recovering.

Username: 💟💟

Date posted: 18w ago

Thank you I really needed that

Username: 💟💟

Date posted: 18w ago

I just feel so off now idk

Username: getwellsoon

Date posted: 4y ago

so i feel like i need to vent because all of this is just building up, 3 months ago when i had my first intrusive thought that caused an obsession that went on for weeks and then every other week a new intrusive thought would pop up and i’d obsess over that one. and it continues with multiple themes. some even similar to the one i’m dealing with right now but for some reason this one feels so much more real then again all the themes did. i really don’t know how to explain it, frightened if it’s just me. some days i feel completely numb to it like i’m a bad person but if that was so why would i keep fighting it and being in distress over it. it’s breaking my heart. i should know that it’s no coincidence since i’ve been dealing with this thing. whatever it might be ): i really don’t want to give up but i’m just scared. it all feels wrong and i feel numb or sometimes the ugliest stuff pops into my head. also the old themes have tried popping up again. i wonder if this whole thing is just my fault if it’s all just me but the truth is i guess i’ll never know... there’s so much more i could say... but i hope someone can relate to this... is it possible to feel just completely not like yourself like you’re trying so hard to just be the way you are but it’s hard because you have to sit with the fear inside your head... cause tbh there’s no other choice

Username: linds💕

Date posted: 2y ago

Why is soocd so confusing?? Anyone else’s OCD just bring up past experiences and make you believe that it could mean you’re the opposite sexual orientation you are? I identify as a straight female but in the past I had thoughts I could have been bi so it made me think I was even though I’ve never actually liked a girl? Idk. I’m so confused. I’m not attracted to women, I’ve always been super boy crazy. I just feel super alone in this regardless of all the similar experiences other people go through. I can’t watch tv, work is really hard because I have to talk to other women, certain clothes trigger me, hanging out with friends is hard, being lovey to my boyfriend is hard, even looking at myself is hard. I don’t feel like me. I’m just so confused and so lost. My OCD really sparked back in October and since it’s just gotten progressively worse. I have therapy today, and I’m looking forward to it. Anxiety and OCD is so hard. It effects me of every moment of every day, in everything I do. Im just so tired. Anyone have exposures that may help with this??

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Guilt

Hey friends, really rough day. I want to go to therapy but it feels like my therapists are afraid of me or don't understand me. They encourage me to just keep doing Exposure therapy but I know I'm not going to act on anything! I know I'm supposed to say "maybe maybe not" but that's not what's going on here! I feel guilty for THINKING these things! I opened up to a person the other day and they opened up about their anxiety and depression and wanted to tell them my struggles over the last 9 months but I know that my thoughts are gross and not real. I want to stop feeling guilt for my thoughts WITHOUT endorsing my thoughts. I can expose myself all I want, it doesn't make my thoughts good.

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