I failed

I tried. I just broke down crying cause it feels too real and I feel l should just accept it that this is who I am. Maybe it’s not real but it feels real so it has to be. I keep having thoughts saying “yes I want it” but it just makes me more sad and wanna cry more. I can’t think of the things I do want. The things that used to comfort me and used to make me happy. What happened to those things? Why can’t I be ok? What’s wrong with me? Why does it feel like I am that person? I mean I’ve read and seen things about pedos having anxiety cause of who they are, so what if I feel this way because of that. There’s something wrong with me. Nothing feels ok and I know made this whole post about letting my mind go but none of this feels right. It’s like I’m just waiting for something to just give but it won’t. I kinda wish someone would just tell me “sorry but it does sound like you are a pedo”. Which is terrible but constantly having everyone say I’m not feels so frustrating cause of how much it already feels real. Maybe me posting this is reassurance seeking, or maybe it’s some big manipulation thing I’ve been doing cause somehow that makes sense. Idk anymore. I took melatonin and plan on having a very shitty nights rest for the rest of this inevitably shitty week. I’m sorry.

jadeith

Date posted: 1y

hey , just take some deep breaths , sounds like your mind is racing . i’m going through the same thing rn , my minds racing and i can’t sleep , you got this !!

Kumiakumia

Date posted: 1y

I’m going through the same, it’s gonna be okay

izzyc

Date posted: 1y

I know it seems so shitty and just feels like a mess but you are so brave. Currently dealing with the same, and I let my brain spiral! Just know that tomorrow is a new day and even if it’s the shittiest day of your life, give yourself a hug at the end because you got through it. I’m proud of you ❤️

Heaven1sonearth

Date posted: 1y

it’s easy for the mind to trick you. i know that’s so hard to believe, why would my mind make me feel these things about myself. why would my mind lead me into this labyrinth where i’m a villian so this must be real, the thoughts must be real and i’m a bad guy. but actually, no, the mind, our minds are really that complex. who understands half of the shit the mind does, the brain is still being studied. p**** having anxiety and disgust about who they ARE is different than you having disgust and anxiety at a thought or a compulsion. you even having the morality and consciousness to be disgusted and to know that is not what you stand for. you don’t stand for inappropriate and vile things being done to children and you would never do them. ocd tries to present you with your core values twisted and distorted. ex. you - likes being clean, values cleanliness ocd - you shouldn’t be so nasty, you don’t clean up behind yourself you - cares for children and is hyper-vigilant ocd - you just like watching them, you’re a pervert. i know it’s easier said than done and it took me years to put myself and my character above the ocd, we are two different stories and what it is saying has nothing to do with me. i know what i am consciously thinking and i know what ocd is presenting to me. i know this is easier said than done and it doesn’t always work but i guess it all comes down to having conviction in your character and trusting yourself. no matter what the thoughts say, i am not that, i do not stand for that, i am attracted to men, i’ve liked men my entire life, etc etc

monte333

Date posted: 24w

Back to struggling

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

Vee4

Date posted: 17w

Rant

I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.

nae nae

Date posted: 13w

Tired of feeling like a bad person

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I failed

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community