My OCD doesn’t get better

Hey guys so my psychiatrist basically said I suffer from moderate OCD and prescribed me Sertraline(Zoloft) but I needed up canceling my Medicine and my whole entire visit there because none of the therapist does ERP so I decided to try a place the specialize in OCD. I wanna stay far way from meds. I suffer from OCD killer thoughts but is this considered OCD when you think you have a mental illness where gonna go all crazy and start being violent? Like at times I’m scared I’m bipolar, or schizophrenic. Before I would be worried and anxiety would rise when I thought of hurting other people, but now sometimes my urges feel so real I think about hurting someone and I feel like I enjoy it and I don’t feel the guilt. And sometimes I feel intense guilt for my parents thinking wow I feel so bad for their daughter cause she’s gonna be a murderer. Like sometimes I feel like I could do things I was once scared of. Like for instance, today there was this dude staring at me and I straight forward told him with an attitude “ what are you staring at” And sometimes all my other old intrusive thoughts come back ( aka being bisexual, committing suicide, thinking about self harm) what do I do... I feel like a mess. And I constantly search up all the other mental disorders that Amanda Bynes has and lady Gaga. I’m so confused I’m a mess. I feel anxiety but then my minds tells me I love murder, jail and violence. Sorry this is so long I’m so lost I wanna be normal again.

Hey guys I’d love your opinion on some stuff! I’ve had my first instrusive thought about being depressed/suicidal on September 13th 2017. I got intrusive thoughts where I had depression and thought I was gonna end up killing myslef to a point where I really convinced myself I was depressed and would constantly look up depression symptoms. Then it somehow became into thoughts being bisexual cause I thought a girl was super super super pretty which was October 28th, 2017 but this spiraled into Harm/killer OCD thoughts after watching a violent scene in the movies and thought I enjoyed it and it’s been torture for me ever since. A year later here I am. Harm OCD has prolly been the hardest! At first I was so bad when I was scared to talk to people and felt guilty becoming friends with them Because they’re Talking to a serial killer. Some days are good. Some days are terrible. I can’t stay out too long and feel anxious going to places sometimes because it might spike my killer thoughts again. If I was able to survive a year without meds do you guys think I’ll be able to get rid of this killer thoughts without meds? I’m convinced where therapy won’t ever help me... and I gonna suffer like This forever. I have health insurance and I don’t know where to start and who to go to.

Hey y’all i need to know if someone relates to what I’m going through. I feel almost like if I wanted to act on my thoughts but I actually don’t because this doesn’t please me at all. So if someone told me “You have Harm OCD” I would be like “really? So I don’t wanna harm people? Neither am I capable?” I have no clue why would that be my answer when I haven’t desired anything. But somehow it makes me feel like I do, and consequently makes me feel like I’m in denial. So it feels like if an unconscious part of me wants to do it but I am just resisting. I literally can’t go anywhere, I don’t wanna live any second more, because I feel so disturbed all the time. I feel like I’m gonna end up doing it, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings,thoughts, images, urges, that I would avoid everything, like going anywhere. I hate feeling like this but I feel like there’s no way back, i can’t picture myself being good in the future because I feel like “this is what i want” when it’s not. I feel like it’s a time bomb for me to do something. I do not tolerate this, every minute that passes by I feel it closer to happen. I feel like I’m gonna collapse and act on it. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, but I don’t think it is, I think it just feels like it. Help I don’t know what to do.