Scared I am a pervert for something I did

It's been 9 months that I've been ruminating on this memory. I really need some help figuring this one out... it's more so about did I do something wrong and I am losing sleep over something I did... I'm sure we all know with Pure O and "me time" (if you get my hint) there comes a lot of shame. About 9 months ago I had some "me time" in the morning before getting up to start off my day with my sister who I live with. I was fantasizing about a fictional character as I'm sure others do (it's pretty common) and after I was done I panicked because I didn't want my sister to know or even suspect that I was having some "me time" . Before I even walk out of my room to greet her I try to calm myself down both from the anxiety of her finding out and the "high" I guess you could say. I went to use the bathroom to wash my hands and to continue to try calming down. At this point, I feel like I might've started to have a silent anxiety attack but I'm not sure because I couldn't concentrate all that well on what my sister was talking to me about while making breakfast and my fear is that I was still sort of in a daze after the "me time" and between the anxiety about her even finding out what I was doing, I don't know if this whole morning was a really just an anxiety attack or if i am a pervert or if my OCD brain is trying to just ruminate on it to confuse me. Please I need some input. It's getting to the point where I am losing sleep.

MrBobaBear

Date posted: 1y

Hi there! What exactly about this experience makes you feel like a pervert/creep? I would also like to let you know that having "you time" is perfectly normal and healthy! It is what we humans do when we desire pleasure, want to relieve stress, want to fall asleep, etc. It is a natural practice and should be considered as such! From what I can grasp, you are worried about the idea that if she had known, she would demonize you and think you are creepy. I find this incredibly unlikely considering how common this practice is. Do not allow your OCD to warp the situation in order to solidify your fears.

JLA

Date posted: 1y

Hi! Thanks for your input! I'll reply with the same response I gave to another person on my post...I think the fact that the actions that I did were super close to the interaction of seeing my sister is what is making me feel anxious. Like I was trying to push away the fact that I had the "me time" whilst cooking with my sister and worrying about her finding out what I was thinking.

MrBobaBear

Date posted: 1y

@JLA I see! So it was the quick transition from having said you time to cooking with your sister that startled you. I can understand how that may feel a little strange to you! The juxtoposition of both situations is sharp and abundant, and therefore making you feel perverted. I can promise you that these feelings are valid, however nothing you did was wrong! You took care of yourself within your own private space and carried on with your day. That is natural. That is human. You are okay!! I appreciate you speaking out about a topic as sensitive as this. I am sure this has been causing you a lot of distress:(

JLA

Date posted: 1y

@MrBobaBear Yes unfortunately it really has... 9 months of ruminating has taken its toll :( but I really do appreciate your perspective, support and input!

MrBobaBear

Date posted: 1y

@JLA Of course! I am always here to chat! Please never be afraid yo reach out. I am proud of you for how far you have come by opening up about this. These feelings will eventually subside. You have got this!!

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

wait im confused what about that interaction makes you a pervert? i was reading that expecting the shoe to drop but it never did😂😂 im confused

JLA

Date posted: 1y

That's what I'm saying :( Idk if I did anything wrong bcuz in truth I didn't do anything towards my sister and nothing happened but I feel like a creep

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

@JLA right but what ab that would be weird im confused are you just stressed that someone was home while you were doing that? like whats your thought process what part do you think is creepy

JLA

Date posted: 1y

@xyzwqr I think the fact that the actions that I did were super close to the interaction of seeing my sister is what is making me feel anxious. Like I was trying to push away the fact that I had the "me time" whilst cooking with my sister and worrying about her finding out what I was thinking.

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

@JLA sounds un creepy to me i dont see anything wrong

anonymous2580

Date posted: 25w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Real event false memory ruining enjoyment guilt

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.

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Scared I am a pervert for something I did

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