What it feels like

It feels like it’s just true. Like it’s officially a fact that I’ve become THAT, somehow in someway. It’s hard to just think otherwise cause of everything that’s went wrong in my head and my body. What else am I supposed to think about myself? And the worst part? It feels like it’s normal, when I know for a fact that it’s not. There’s just this lack of anxiety and fear and disgust, it only makes it feel like it really is the truth more. It feels like there’s this…presence in my head. That’s the best way to explain. Like something has grown and taken root so deep in my brain that it’s become one with it. It’s just always there, not just the thoughts, but this “presence” of it being apart of me, apart of who I am and what I want. Like it’s there in the front of my mind no matter what. And my own sexual interests, the ones before, they feel like I feel nothing towards them anymore. Just pushed to the side. Like I no longer feel excited over men anymore. Sure I find them attractive, and there’s a man I have a crush on, but it doesn’t change how I feel and see myself, and what it may mean. It’s so easy to find myself identifying with non-exclusive/no -offenders but that’s the problem I DONT want to identify with people like that. I don’t wanna be that person, but it’s hard to think i’m the person I was before when it feels like all these things that have happened just add up to me being a pedo. How am I supposed to live my life when it doesn’t feel like there’s a life to live?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I've been going through the same thing. Something my therapist told me is that our brain prefers to accept things because it's easier than to fight against them, even if those things are unwanted. I developed OCD because of my old porn addiction, I saw a lot of TRULY disgusting things that now make my stomach curl, but the important thing is to understand that these things were harmful and really bad. But if you didn't do anything, then understand that OCD doesn't only affect the mind, but the body too, acceptance can be painful, but it's also a way for the brain to save itself from difficulties.

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I feel like I may have a porn addiction too..then again idk. I can’t say I’m looking for anything shady or extreme, I usually just look for gay porn. But I will say that I feel like I’ve grown some kind of tolerance for it? Like I can’t exactly get off to it the same way as I usually did before? Maybe it’s because in those moments the thoughts are 1000 times more present than they need to be (could that be a sign of PA too?) and I have to keep stopping and I just get stressed out when I just wanna feel good but can’t, not really. And it feels like I’m ALWAYS fighting against it, there’s times when I feel like I have to accept something terrible about myself, but I usually just come back to reality (whatever that means).

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Pedophiles don't question themselves, they know. Just like we know since birth that we can see, do we question why we can see? No. Pedophiles LIKE your thoughts and urges, but if you question yourself then you don't like it.

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous There’s times when I don’t question it, cause it’s been going on for so long. Like I know it’s because of “ocd” but I just don’t really think too much about it, but it does make me depressed as shit. There’s definitely a lot that I do that is clearly OCD, but there’s other things that pop in my head and things that I feel that make me doubt it’s a mental illness that’s causing this and it’s just me. Like, if it wasn’t real, then it shouldn’t feel real.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@Jay222 But that's not how our mind works. Pedophiles don't consider their thoughts and urges wrong, but they are. It is not beacuse somethings is what it is, that you'll relate to that. If you were a pedophile, you wouldn't be confessing distressing and unwanted thoughts.

Faker6532

Date posted: 19w

This felt way too real!!

Why the h•••ll did this happen to me? Seriously, I felt like a normal person yesterday, and now this morning, I feel like I am now a p•••do. When I first woke up, I kept thinking about about the usual things about a kid, only this time it felt real. It was like I was into them sexually and because of that, my private parts growed. Even though I kept saying "no, no ,no" a lot, I felt was only talking to open air and it didn't feel like I meant it God, for the last couple of days, I truly felt normal for once, and against these thoughts. But now I know that I am a p•••do and a piece of s••••it for seeing kids that way. If I could go back before all of this happened, I f••••cking would. Because I KNOW I was never like this before.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

I feel like a irredeemable freak, and my life over

I pleasured myself to my intrusive thoughts while I was high as a teen and it felt so real like I genuinely wanted it and leaned into it, it genuinely felt like I enjoyed it and desired it but I’m not sure if I misinterpreted a groinal response and false arousal for desire and did it I don’t even want that stuff in reality nor do I seek it out but I feel like it stains me forever and I cannot be loved or accepted or be a normal human anymore and that my life is over, I don’t know what to do, it felt like it was automatic and it all just happened and then I “snapped back” into reality once it was done and it all hit me like a truck. Does anyone else know if this is a thing or if they’ve had similar experiences? Please help me it feels like I’m dying here. I want to die

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

What it feels like

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community