My OCD Experience

Hey everyone. (25M). Just wanted to share about my experience. I’ve been dealing with the tags mentioned above, mainly Pedophile OCD and Harm OCD. I probably have flowed through each subtype already, but these are the ones that I’m currently dealing with at the moment. I would say this has been going on for around 2 years or so? Maybe more. I do want to say that the struggle has been real. There’s been a lot of tears, frustration, and exhaustion, both physically and mentally. A part of me does fall into questioning why this OCD experience happened to me. I would have intrusive thoughts about me wanting to end my life, end my parents life, or even people I find myself to like. As soon as the harm OCD would “fade away” a new intrusive thought would pop up, that being POCD. Intrusive thoughts that say I’m attracted to children, that I would want to or engage in sexual activity with them, or that I am secretly a pedophile. These two subtypes eventually work together and ruminate to say that I’m a schizophrenic psychopath and that one day I will snap and act out on my thoughts. Deep down, I truly know that I am not what my intrusive thoughts say to be, but the constant rumination, doubts, groinal sensations, and anxiety symptoms trick me right back into the OCD cycle. The way I know why I am not a pedophile, a serial killer, etc. is because I most likely would have acted out on them by now. I wouldn’t be feeling this anxiety, this sadness, or this disgust. (Maybe, maybe not) I had a decent childhood and was raised well, and there have been no signs or desires of it ever before. I was a pretty good kid, did well in school, stayed out of trouble. I was even studying to become a psychologist, maybe as forensic or counseling, because I was super interested in helping others who were struggling to live a “normal” life. So throughout my struggle, day by day I try my best to be present and mindful of who I am and want to be. I know with OCD a symptom is reassurance seeking and to browse the internet to figure out what the hell is going on, but I am grateful for my persistence in psychoeducating myself and studying psychology to know that there is help and I can reach out for help. I wanted to practice what I preached. I’ve been hesitating to reach out for help because I was afraid of the uncertainty and the potential truth. But luckily I found NOCD, and here I am now on my OCD journey learning a little about myself and allowing myself to be open in my sessions. I am barely starting, and I know my desperate ass wants this to be magically cured, but again, practice, patience, self love and courage are things I am working on to create my better self. So I would like to congratulate and wish luck to all of you who have reached out for help and are working through your problems. We got this! Take a breath, acknowledge uncertainty, and embrace your emotions.