Relationship OCD -help I need some advice please!!

I really need some advice. My rocd is so bad that even spending time with my boyfriend is triggering my anxiety. Is that normal? Is that even rocd or do I just not want to spend time with him? He is great and if I didn’t have negative thoughts when I’m with him I would enjoy it. The first half hr I spend with him I have no anxiety and feel relaxed, but then this horrible anxiety comes over me like I have to be alone and be away from him. I don’t know what this means. Am I torturing myself unnecessarily by being in a relationship with him, because my rocd is not even letting me enjoy time with him? My brain is telling me he is the cause of all my anxiety, but breaking up with him would be awful! We can’t go on holiday either. A relationship shouldn’t be like this should it? I should be excited to see him and have fun, but I just have crippling anxiety when I’m with him because my ocd has associated my boyfriend as the problem. Maybe I’m making rocd an excuse because the thought of being alone is terrifying. I’m scared I’m holding onto something that is really affecting my mental health, but he’s so great and amazing when he’s with me, there’s no reason for these extreme feelings. How do I make this better? Any advice greatly appreciated!!!

l_stark08

Date posted: 1y

Hey there, I've really struggled with rocd as well and I've been where you are with the extreme anxiety when being with them. I remember being so conflicted because all I wanted to do was be with my boyfriend, but the stress I'd feel with him made it impossible to enjoy myself and definitely made me worry I didn't actually want to be with him. This was combined with so so many thoughts about wether he was actually attractive to me or if I had the right "feelings"- and it was so overwhelming. I think for me the solution was not only a little bit of time- (my themes seem to last for a few months before they switch, personally) and also leaning into the thoughts that caused me to panic. I watched A TON of rocd videos and this guy from the channel "OCD and Anxiety" had an rocd video, and talked about responding the the thoughts by almost agreeing with them. At first this was really distressing and I hated agreeing with the thoughts in my mind (I felt so guilty) but for me they went away within literally a couple of days, I was so amazed. So in your case, if the thought your having is- "I don't even want to be with him, he causes all my anxiety and I'm torturing myself by being with him" (very distressing, I know and feel for you🫶) You can respond mentally to this thought, "You know what, maybe, I probably don't actually enjoy my time and should probably break up with him, oh well, don't really care though." And direct your attention to something else. If your rocd is like mine though, my brain IMMEDIATELY goes back to the thought, to which I just have to respond again, "maybe, maybe not, don't really care". I think it really essential comes down to reacting as if you don't actually care (when you know you actually really do) to trick your own brain. Anyway, it's so not easy and if it doesn't work right away or as fast as it did for me don't give up, I can say I'm on the other side of it and it is definitely possible. Also look up some rocd specific vids to help, there's a lot of helpful ways to combat this out there. Best of luck to you!

meglucy

Date posted: 1y

@l_stark08 Thank you so much, I really appreciate this. It’s so so difficult but I really don’t want to give up, I want to get over it, but sometimes I think I don’t have the strength to expose myself to the anxiety. How did you cope with spending time with your boyfriend If you got anxiety while with him?

l_stark08

Date posted: 1y

@meglucy Of course, never, never give up, and you most definitely have the strength! I'd totally freeze up and get super quiet and he'd get pretty concerned, thankfully he's struggled with anxiety himself and had a lot of compassion. It helps to remind yourself that you struggle with ocd (I'd tend to look back on the times I'd struggle with themes not rocd related) and be like "oh right, this isn't him, it's something I struggle with." What helped is letting him know how much the anxiety gets to me, but that I'm trying really hard to figure out how to cope with it. It really came down too pushing through, even if I had the anxiety I'd realize it was there and remind myself I'm making steps to get over it. Looking up grounding techniques, (like the 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, Ect..) and letting youself sit in the anxiety without judgment can help as well. Usually saying "I am feeling anxious" and naming the feeling can help you process. I will say it wasn't easy and most of the time I was very frustrated that I still felt anxious, but I will say the more you accept what your feeling, agree with thoughts, and ground youself you'll slowly get over it, but it might take time. Take it day by day, u got it:)

meglucy

Date posted: 1y

@l_stark08 Thank you so much, it really helps to know someone else is going through the same thing. I’m supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, but should I be doing that if it will just make my anxiety worse? I don’t know whether to push through the anxiety or wait until I start therapy to see him :(

l_stark08

Date posted: 1y

@meglucy I say definitely don't put off seeing him, exposing yourself to the fear and anxiety is going to be the most effective way to get through it:)

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