Rocd

It feels like my boyfriend is ‘another compulsion” because he makes me happy and that is what ocd does, but when he is gone, my mind can go everywhere. Mostly thinking im not attracted to men (im bi and for some reason i feel like i have to choose 1 gender, and that that would be women) even though i know that i dont have to choose and can just be happy with my bf. But then my mind can go “but are you happy” or “youre not aroused right now or aroused enough so your gay or you dont like bf” Thats really hard, because my one of my biggest fears is being with a man all my life (having a family etc) and then falling in love with a woman and throw it all away. I really really love my boyfriend, but it can feel like this is not my real identity and im doing the wrong thing. Like when im not thinking about it, if thats maybe my ocd and not the overthinking. Does anyone understand?

My ocd makes me question everything. I don’t get it. what makes it want to attach to certain things? I don’t obsess over wether or not I like blue because it’s true I do like blue but other things like that, things that should be so simple for me to know is true ocd tries to take and make me second guess it. Even if I know for a logical fact that this thing is true or isn’t true. OCD will work so hard to try and convince me I’m wrongand even though I know I’m not wrong it eventually works and ends up convincing me I’m wrong and I spiral. Is this just part of the pattern how do I learn not to argue with my ocd cause that’s the problem. I try to test my ocd and argue with it but for every answer I have it has an answer to combat mine until it has me convinced I’m wrong about what I 100% know I’m not wrong about. It never stops even with things I thought I settled it like it has unlimited ways to prove to me that I’m wrong. It’s insane it makes me feel crazy. Sometimes I don’t even realize im performing a compulsion or I’m arguing with my ocd or testing it until it’s too late. It’s sneaky like that. Is this just a normal part of the cycle of OCD?

I think I did something I shouldnt have... I reasearched comphet on tiktok and saw a video of a girl explaining how she realised that first she wasnt bi and then she was a lesbian. She was talking all about how when she was with men she was craving "male validation" and wasnt actually attracted to men and that she confused platonnic and romantic love. and that whe she really thought about she realised that she loved being loved and desired by men but that she didnt specifically like men or wasnt attracted to men. She just found them attractive and was not attracted. And that when she broke up with her bf and stop dating man she realised how much more she could feel and how thinking about men gave her the ic. And I real all the comments and everyone was like omg omg omg. Anyways im sooo triggered because I feel like I could relate on some level. Im not sure if I like my bf for who he is or that i love how he loves me. And at first I used to calm my OCD by saying noo noo I love how he loves me but if I imagine breaking up with him it feels like it will be my last time with a men... what is happenning!!!