Hocd

Yesterday at night I was doing lunch for my husband and I grabbed a knife to cut something and I used to get anxiety over being around a knife and yesterday I didn’t feel nothing not even scared and I started doubting myself and I started to think okay if you were to act on your thoughts what would you feel and I couldn’t feel scared and I was like fuck and I struggle with feeling in love with him because I struggle with relationship ocd as well thinking I’m not for him or just doubting our relationship and it made me think like I didn’t love him and then today I’m just thinking and it makes me feel evil because I can’t feel anxiety over doing something to him and I don’t feel scared or anything and I’m just thinking and it makes me think like I’m enjoying it and I feel good about it or I don’t care and it makes me feel uncomfortable not being able to not feel scared

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w

So it sounds like you had a small win in that your HOCD lost power.THATS AWESOME... but we become so accustomed to feeling distress and these bad feelings that when they are gone, we feel like something important is missing, its like we suffer from Stockholm syndrome for or OCD. so you checked your feelings ( a compulsion) and that woke up the OCD enough to allow it to morph over to your ROCD since the HOCD seems to have or is losing its power ( again HUGE WIN). You confused your lack of distress for a lack of caring. I can think of hurting my husband.... i can even joke with him and say " what would you do if I just stabbed you with the knife right now" and he'll say " well that would hurt" and we both laugh and I go back to cooking. i don't feel any type of distress cuz I don't have HOCD to make me feel it. Take the win , and acknowledge that you are apparently making some progress but you still need to do some more work to continue it. NOT feeling fear and anxiety are GOOD things! you are breaking the chains. keep it up.

yaya_zz

Date posted: 50w

@TexasOCD41 Thank you 🥹 I didn’t think of it in that way because it felt like I wanted to do it and like I could actually do it since I didn’t care but once you put it in that way it feels better thanks again 🤍

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w

@yaya_zz - no, you just dont care becuase you don't want to and its not important to you anymore. (the HOCD)

1bbadplayer

Date posted: 50w

@TexasOCD41 i know this isint my post but this makes me feel so heard, i know i don’t want to hurt anyone but my thought are saying” what if i do?” and then if i have a thought that doesint make me scared i fear i’m a bad person, like a killer or psychopath or something, but it really means i’m making progress, i js started taking medication and learning about ocd, and trying to fix my diet because i heard that helps a lot! but thank you for this💕

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w

@gracelynn! I’m happy you were able to get insight from my response:) keep up the good work!

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

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