I don't know why I'm making this

I feel bad because I'll comment on other people's posts on here who struggle with the same OCD as I do and it's like why am I better at helping other people than myself???? I feel like I'm different. Anytime someone here says something related to pure OCD (or really any off) I try to remind them that they couldn't do anything that results in them being a bad person but it feels different for me because I actually do bad things. I have done bad things. I've never heard a story from other people that involves me not being annoying or weird or a bad person. I feel like there's a difference when other people make a mistake then when I make a mistake. Other people absolutely deserve help but I don't deserve help. Other people should be able to heal but I haven't gone through enough yet. I wish so badly I wasn't me because I just want to be a good person and I pray every night that I will be good and I won't mess anything up and that I will be helpful but I never am enough. I always mess something up. I want to be perfect but that's unachievable and that makes me anxious. I want to be perfect for people and I can't. Any time I think about how I need help or I need to talk about my feelings or something I remember why I shouldn't. Any time I do anything other than sit and smile I just get told to shut the fuck up or get told how annoying I am and it hurts but then I think "if I'm a bad person I deserve this" but if I was someone else and I hadn't done all the stupid and weird and even insane things I've done then I would deserve it a little more. I wish I was dead. I don't know why I'm not. I don't know why I'm writing this I just wish I was either another person or dead. I'm unredeemable it feels like. I hate myself so much. I'm so done.

83Celestia

Date posted: 49w

Sounds like you're surrounded by toxic people ngl. You are looking to others to get some sense of your self-worth. And it sounds like people are treating you like garbage. I doubt you're a bad person (since desires and intentions count for a lot too), also you are constantly trying to help people on this app, a "bad" person wouldn't do that! I also don't believe there are bad people just people who make bad choices. Switch from shame to guilt. Guilt motivates us to change, Shame makes us want to give up. I understand how you're are feeling tho. It's easy to believe the lie that everyone else deserves happiness then you and everyone else is perfect but not you. Plz try and look past these lies 🤍. I'm sorry tho, wish I could do more

Vee4

Date posted: 49w

Thank you for responding to this post. A lot of the time people who do this are either my sister, my dad, or my mom. I know my mom doesn't have the intention of hurting me. Maybe thats on my part for not expressing that enough but in general I do live in a toxic household. A lot of my family members are tough and I'm just kinda sensitive to things like that.. It just adds on to the OCD because then I can't stop thinking about it. But again maybe that's on my part. Thank you for responding though. This helped me a lot. I wasn't expecting a response but this makes me feel better. You've done enough, thank you. I hope you have a good day!!

dee012

Date posted: 25w

Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

i have done so many bad things

i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

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