Constant fear and guilt

I have posted about this a few times before but it’s still flaring up, I feel so guilty and cannot stop thinking about the event and anything else that could’ve happened. My real event happened when I was 10/11 with a friend who was younger than me, I haven’t talked to this friend since I was 12 and the real event ocd didnt start effecting me until I was 19, it just hit me out of nowhere and paralyzed me with fear and intrusive thoughts. I was terrified I was a predator, that I was going to go to jail, or that the person involved would cancel me on the internet and everyone I loved would hate me. It has been one of my biggest ocd themes and something I feel so guilty for, I have confessed to my mom and my friend and they said it was normal and my friend who is a bit older than me said she even did something similar. I just feel so guilty, I’m currently in college and all I can think about is “what if I go to jail” “what if I get arrested” “what if I get cancelled” “what if I’m a monster” I feel bad that I’m worried about getting arrested because my brain makes me think “you only care about yourself” I feel so horrible and constantly do compulsions like googling, checking social media, ruminating on the situation, trying to go over every detail. I have also noticed that so many false memories pop up when I think about it too much, they feel so real it makes me feel sick. I feel horrible, does anyone have any advice or have experienced anything similar ?

healing2023

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

i feel like i am experiencing something similar i was probably around 9/10

healing2023

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@healing2023 i have had all these thoughts and there isn’t any easy way around it, sometimes i say to myself why should i be living in shame and regret for something i did when i was a child? the fact i do feel this way now shows that you’re not a monster, but also you might have to accept that yes to that person you might be one, it’s not easy but you have to forgive yourself and accept yourself and accept that maybe i’ll get cancelled maybe i’ll just have to live with guilt and maybe i’ll grow around the guilt one day 💗

geminileo

Date posted: 1y

@rosepetaltears wdym ?

geminileo

Date posted: 1y

@rosepetaltears Ohhh I think she was just giving an example at letting the thoughts come and go

healing2023

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@rosepetaltears ?

healing2023

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@rosepetaltears not sure how you got that

Sparklefly

Date posted: 1y

I'm going through this however the memory of it popped up very strangely which made me believe it wasn't true. Like my mind told me I did this bad thing and scrambled to find a person to put it on. Making me obsessed with trying to find the truth. I tell myself if I did do this thing, I'd definitely remember. I asked people who I went to school with and they don't recall me doing anything. So…the evidence against is more than for. I'm not sure what you did but listen to the people you love. Sounds like you were a very young child at the time, try not to be too hard on yourself. The mind mixes real with fake. Especially when you are panicked. Doing something and relaxing, if it happens it'll come to you. Be kind to yourself. You aren't a horrible person, you were a kid.

emma345

Date posted: 24w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

ItsMeEli

Date posted: 22w

Real event/ guilt OCD

Hey guys, for the past three months I’ve been obsessing over a mistake I made about 6 months ago, I constantly have panic attacks and wake up in fight or flight mode I have convinced myself that someone is gonna find me somehow and punish me. I have endlessly looked up reassurance that what I did wouldn’t get me in trouble or something, I have filled up 5 different ChatGPT chats and it tells me it’s 100% certain nothing will happen. But then I convince myself well everyone says not to trust it and then I just spiral again. The point is I’m just scared, I’ve convinced myself this isn’t OCD because it’s something I actually did wrong. I can’t stop looking for reassurance because that’s the only thing that makes me feel safe anymore. Everyone tells me, just say maybe, maybe not, but my brain has convinced me the stakes are too high. I’m too scared and I don’t know what to do.

Real Events OCD

Givenup

Date posted: 14w

Something truly horrible

What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

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Constant fear and guilt

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