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I just wanna say that I’ve been here I’ve been in this boat. That’s why the first time I got diagnosed with OCD. I didn’t believe it went to see more help and actually went into an inpatient because of my OCD and they still think it’s a OCD so I just want to say that you’re not alone, and the fact that you feel disgusted in yourself mean something and the fact that you’re scared means something I think the best thing that you can do for yourself is to take it one step at a time one day at a time I know that’s not easy but unfortunately, we can’t control past thoughts, and unfortunately, we can’t control the future but we can control the present so I think the best thing that you can do is be extremely patient with yourself but also still mindful and I would try not to go to conclusions with every single thought because I found myself coming to conclusions every single time, and trying to figure out every single thought but that’s the thing with OCD you doubt everything and I think the best thing that you could do is to stop doubting and just kind of allowing to pass and allowing the feeling to pass. and I found myself needing constant reassurance of who I am and who I used to be but unfortunately no one else is in your head and no one else can tell you hundred percent that they know what’s going on with you so unfortunately sitting with uncertainty is one of the best things that you can do for yourself and I know that’s extremely hard because I find it hard to do it every day for myself, but the best thing I’ve learned is to stick in the present one day you might look back and have no idea who u were then. I just want to say that you’re not alone and OCD is a very tricky thing. A lot of these thoughts disguise themselves as normal. I was told by my therapist so sometimes it could also come with feelings and other times you have to remember that when those type of thoughts happen your brain takes time to process it so maybe you did not fully process the thought before any type of enjoyment occurred you never know, but I would just try to be very mindful of that

I think OCD can trick you into thinking you want to do it when actually it's totally opposite of that.

My therapist said not to try and push it out. Go along with the thought and say this makes me uncomfortable, but I can handle it. Other times I'd fight with it, so maybe that's what you are doing... giving into it

I’m dealing with this issue as well it’s terrifying n scary except this might be a little bit TMI this happens to me whenever I’m trying to have my alone time like if it has anything to do with self pleasure. I literally have to tell myself before I had to know that I’m in control that I’m not gonna act on any intrusive thoughts but in the moment kinda like what you said it genuinely feels like that I enjoy my intrusive thought and it feels like I acted on in the moment or like I’m pleasuring myself because of the thought it’s so freaking scary and then I immediately start to panic. I start losing my mind because it felt so genuine like how you’re explaining it.