Resisting

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

OCD has done a lot of damage in my life. It made my high school experience miserable, it made things rough for my freshman year of college and it negatively affected my first relationship recently. I have gotten better with finding better copping mechanisms and I thought I had everything handled entering my first relationship in February. However after a month in, I kept overthinking stuff. I kept having “what if’s” pop into my head and I would try to fight it but it didn’t make things better. I kept worrying about stuff with my ex, even overthinking her bad days when she was more reserved. I went to her friends for advice on handling things and trying to understand her. I have talked to her about my OCD and she was supportive of me and understanding. I just didn’t want to annoy her when she was dealing with a lot her freshman year of college. I knew her friends wanted the best for us and became closer to me, but in the times I was panicked, I over shared stuff about our relationship. My ex found out about it over the summer. I told her months prior that I’ve gone to her friends once before just for advice on things and she had no issues with that. Regardless, I handled things poorly even with good intentions. I went to her friends for advice a good few times and the reassurance didn’t make things better. It was like a drug that helped me in the moment. Communication issues caused things to go downhill with my ex and I and it sucks. I kept feeling like I had to be perfect for her and I can’t make a single mistake or she would end things, but she loved me for everything I am, even my flaws. I just put so much pressure on myself. We both hope to be with each other in the future and know we can come back together stronger. I just feel guilt and shame for my mistakes and I don’t want to make them again and feel better about being with her. She didn’t do anything to make me feel pressure. She’s a very no bs type of person as her first relationship didn’t go well as she was badly mistreated.

Hey there, I have had fears of having BPD (especially fears around identity) for six months now. I’ve been told by four therapists I don’t have it. I am diagnosed with OCD, OCPD, BDD, and ADHD.  I have been engaging in compulsions pretty much every hour of every day for the past six months.  I heavily monitor myself in all ways. Even a mood shift will send me into a spiral. I am currently in a really really bad loop about BPD identity disturbance all because my interest focus shifted to things I haven’t paid attention to in awhile when the other day I was heavily into cathedrals, castles, 90’s whimsical etc. (note i have always enjoyed that stuff and still do) but today my focus isn’t on those things at the moment. I’ve liked the same music and a lot of the same things since I was 9 (but more refined) but the genres I like cycle like in seasons. If i am around someone who has similar interests as me even if I haven’t paid attention to them in a little - it will re-spark excitement. But of course my OCD flags that as identity issues and then questions everything. I also recently broke up with my partner of 4 years. The Texting Conflict • I was at breakfast with my grandmother after helping her drop off her car to get her windshield fixed (so I had been driving the whole time. • I didn’t reply right away to one of his casual texts after I read it and got side tracked, but I did later clarify: “I’m out eating with my grandmother babe” when he texted again. He then left me on read. I followed up with a call afterward on my way home to chat. • It only took one hour for him to escalate with multiple needy texts after I left him on read, then stonewalled me the rest of the day and the following morning. The following morning I sent a kind “Good morning” text - he gave me a cold response, then eventually gave me an ultimatum: “change or we’re done.” • I chose self-respect instead of bending unfairly. 1. Respond quicker every single time • He wanted me to never miss a reply or delay in texting. • Why it’s unfair: I’m present and responsive the majority of the time (about 98%). I’ve told him before that sometimes I get busy or forget — ADHD plays a role in that, and it’s not intentional or personal. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. 2. Stop putting my phone on sleep mode • He didn’t like that I had notifications silenced. • Why it’s unfair: Sleep mode is a healthy boundary for me — it reduces overwhelm and allows me to decide when to check messages (which is crucial with ADHD). It has nothing to do with rejecting him, and everything to do with managing my mental health. 3. Stop talking about OCD “problems” • He threw my OCD struggles back in my face, saying “all we talk about are your problems.” • Why it’s unfair: I don’t choose OCD — it’s part of my reality. Early on, he told me he was with me through it, but later used it as ammunition. Not long ago, he even walked out on me during an OCD flare-up that wasn’t about him. I even gave him resources on loving someone with OCD, yet he ignored that and repeated the same behavior. 4. Expecting disproportionate attention • He got upset when I didn’t give him enough attention for a mild cold while he was overseas — meanwhile, I was battling OCD fears that had nothing to do with him. • Why it’s unfair: The situations weren’t comparable. He expected more empathy for a temporary cold than he was willing to extend to me for a chronic, distressing condition. 5. Ultimatum: “Change or we’re done” • His final move was to demand that I fundamentally change how I operate or lose the relationship. • Why it’s unfair: This wasn’t a request for compromise — it was an ultimatum that required me to abandon who I am and how I manage my life. That’s not love, that’s control. ⸻ My Conduct • I remained mature and respectful throughout. • I communicated my reality clearly (ADHD, OCD, sleep mode, my need for balance). • I didn’t lash out or act impulsively — I stood firm on fairness and authenticity. ⸻ Emotional Support Pattern • When I shared vulnerable things (like my dream about my grandparents’ house), his replies were often short and dismissive (“Oh no bbbb”), delayed, or surface-level. • But when he shared trivial things (like a poop text), he expected me to respond right away — and got upset if I didn’t. ⸻ His Shifting Stance • At first, he told me “I support you and understand.” • Later, he flipped to “All we talk about are your problems.” • That shift showed me his support was conditional — he wanted credit for being supportive, but when it required real patience, he grew resentful and used it against me. ⸻ My Response • I was consistent: I expressed my needs, explained my side, and even showed growth • I refused to compromise my authenticity when faced with an ultimatum. • I saw that his lack of reciprocity — short replies, withdrawal, double standards — was the real issue, not me. ⸻ My Core Takeaway • This relationship wasn’t balanced. I gave consistent communication, honesty, and growth. • He gave mixed signals: sometimes affectionate, but also dismissive, resentful, and controlling. • His lack of response to my vulnerability, his double standards around communication, and his flip from “I support you” to “you’re too much” revealed that he couldn’t meet me with true reciprocity. • When he demanded unfair change, I upheld my boundary. I didn’t overreact — I acted from self-respect and fairness. But then of course even through empowerment after the breakup (I cried over it for one day and now I’m fine) - I worried if I acted BPD in any way. 😑 I’m tired.